Ishqbaaz- Dil Bole Oberoi- 3 Shots by Luna (Part 1)

Hi guys, I thought of writing another FF on Ishqbaaz. This idea came to my
mind when I watched Dil Bole Oberoi promo. Though, I was not much impressed
with the promo, I thought of writing a short story on it. This is a 3 part
FF, based on the promo. Well that’s not all. Before reading, I tell u all
that, this is a spoof on the show, so don’t take this FF seriously. It’s
just for fun. Also, most of the part of this FF is in Hindi but I’ve given English translations as well.

Introduction: Shivaye and Anika are now happily married(almost) and Om has now became a swami(yes, u read it right). Rudra and Soumya are good friends, just like in the show, but more close. Om and Anika have also became good friends.

Scene 1: Shivaye, Anika, Om, Rudra and Soumya are sitting in a hotel,
drinking wine(as u saw in the promo). Om gets in his Shayari mode and looks
at Anika.
Om(looking in Anika’s eyes): Pyar karke jataye, ye zaruri toh nahi,

Yaad karke koi bataye, ye zarrori toh nahi,

Rone wala toh dil mein hi ro leta hai,

Aankh mein aasu aaye, yeh zarrori toh nahi.

Anika gets very shy and smiles, seeing that Om is looking at her.

Anika(shyly): kiya hai pyar toh dhoka nahi denge,

Aapko aasuon ka tohfa nahi denge!!!!

Aap dil se roye hame yaad karke!!!

Aisa hum aapko kabhi mauka nahi denge!!!!!

Both Om and Anika look in each other’s eyes from a distance. Rudra and
Soumya get shocked seeing this, Shivaye was about to get a heart attack in
few seconds.

Shivaye(shouting in full on nasal voice): FHAT THE WUCK!!!!!! Anika??? You
cheated me!!!!! What were u thinking??? Om, u also???? (Now Shivaye goes
completely nasal to a point that we don’t understand what he’s saying and
we only hear: Waoing waiong, waiong waiong, khoon khandaan, waiong,waiong,
waiong, waiong, khoon khandaan, sadak ka kooda, kachre ka dibba, ganda
khoon…waiong waiong…wayiong…fhat the wuck man…. fhat the wuck!!!!!)

{ Shivaye(shouting in full on nasal voice): FHAT THE WUCK!!!!!! Anika??? You
cheated me!!!!! What were u thinking??? Om, u also???? (Now Shivaye goes
completely nasal to a point that we don’t understand what he’s saying and
we only hear: Waoing waiong, waiong waiong, khoon khandaan, waiong,waiong,
waiong, waiong, blood lineage, road trash, dustbin, dirty blood…waiong waiong…wayiong…fhat the wuck man…. fhat the wuck!!!!!) }

Rudra(to Shivaye): bhaiya, bhaiya, bhaiya!!!!

{ Rudra(to Shivaye): brother, brother, brother}

Shivaye: fhat the wuck Rudra!!!!! Fhat the wuck!!!!!
Soumya: Rudra…. what does, fhat the wuck means???
Rudra: Sumo, it means what the….
Om(calmly): shhh…Rudra, kya bol raha hai??? hamare yeh sanskaar nahi hai, hum log
sachaai ki raah par chalte hai…hume hamesha acha insaan banna
chaiye, aur kabhi bhi aise abhrad bhasha ka prayog nahi karna chahiye.

{ Om(calmly): shhh…Rudra, what are u sayimg, we should always walk in the path of truth..we should always be a good human being, and never use abhrad bhasha.}

Shivaye(again in Nasal voice): fhat the wuck man, fhat the wuck!!!! This is
too much Om…I didn’t expected this from u…stop all this bullshit crap…your
real face has come out,…flirting with your bhabhi, and talking about (gets
confused)…uh…talking about…what was that???

Anika(to Shivaye): arre, aloo bhature, aap bhi na ji, itna bhi nahi
samajhte!!!! Waise aloo bhatura hota hai kya…maine toh sirf chane bhature ke bare mein suna hai
{ Anika(to Shivaye): arre, it’s aloo bhature, u don’t understand such a simple thing??? Well, is there something called aloo bhatura btw??? I only heard about chane bhature}

Shivaye: yeah. Talking about, eloo…eloo….bha..bha…(gets frustrated) fhat
the wuck!!!!
Rudra(confused): uh…aloo??? Eloo???? Bhatura???? Yaha hotel mein ye sab bhi
milta hain???

{ Rudra(confused): uh…aloo??? Eloo???? Bhatura???? Can we get these food items also in this hotel???}

Om(calmly): Rudra, Shivaye, Anika…usse aloo bhatura nahi, abhrad bhasha
kehte hai, humein ye bilkul shobha nahi deta ki hum aisi bhasha ka prayog
kare, ye humari soch ko darshata, Shivaye!!!! Tumhe bhi(starts mimicking
Shivaye and speaks in nasal voice) FHAT THE WUCK, FHAT THE WUCk(again back
to his original voice and tone) nahi bolna chahiye, ye achha nahi hai.

Om(calmly): Rudra, Shivaye, Anika, it’s not aloo bhature, it’s abhrad bhasa, that means cheap language, dirty language… it doesn’t suits us at all that we use such language, it shows our mentality, Shivaye!! U shouldn’t say(starts mimicking
Shivaye and speaks in nasal voice) FHAT THE WUCK, FHAT THE WUCK(again back
to his original voice and tone) all the time.

Shivaye: fhat the wuck Om…don’t tell me what to do and what not to do!!!!!
Shivaye Singh Oberoi ko koi nahi bata sakta ki usse kya bolna chahiye aur
kya nahi…..tumhari himmat kaise hui apni bhabhi se flirt karne ki, aur
Anika tum??? Tum bhi uske saath flirt kar rahi thi???? (gets emotional)
mere pyar mein aisi kya kami reh gayi thi????

{Shivaye: fhat the wuck Om…don’t tell me what to do and what not to do!!!!!
No one tells Shivaye Singh Oberoi, what to do and what not to do???? …..how dare u flirt with your bhabhi
Anika u also??? U are also flirting with him???? (gets emotional)
what didn’t I do for u???}

Anika(rudely to Shivaye): oh ji…senti hona band karo…Om bas mujhe Shayari
bolna sikha raha tha…ye sab main apki liye hi seekh rahi thi….aapko toh
romantic hona aata hai nahi!!!!! Sara din bas business, stocks, security,
Mishra, khoon khandaan, bas, in sab se fursat milegi tab na thoda romantic
hoge.

{ Anika(rudely to Shivaye): oh ji…don’t be so senti…Om was only teaching me shayari…I was learning this for u only….because u don’t know at all, how to be romantic!!!!! All day u talk only about business, stocks, security,
Mishra, blood, lineage, bas, how will u be romantic if u can’t stop thnking about these things}

Shivaye gets shocked hearing this and feels guilty for doubting on his wife.
Shivaye(making puppy face): Anika..woh…who….

Anika(arrogantly): chup karo ji…aur, haklana bandh karo!!!!
{ Anika(arrogantly): just shut up and stop stuttering}

Shivaye gets silent and puts his face down in shame.
Om(calmly to Shivaye): Shivaye, tumhe apni patni pe shak nahi karna chahiye
that….tum aisa soch bhi kaise sakte ho ki tumhari patni kisi paraye mard
par buri nazar daal sakti hain??? Arre Anika toh Ganga ki tarah pavitra hai.
{Om(calmly to Shivaye): Shivaye, u shouldn’t have doubted on your wife….how can u even think that your wife will have a bad eye on a another guy??? Anika is pure like river ganga }

Soumya(to Om): bade baal wale bhaiya. According to a research, river Ganga
is no more clean, it has became very dirty because of dust and garbage and
it’s also not good for environment.

Rudra(confused): btw, who is this Ganga, is she hot????

Om(calmly): Soumya…main samajhta hoon tum kya kehna chahti ho, par main
bahari pavitrata ki nahi, andhrooni pavitrata ki baat kar raha hoon…..jaise
main andar se pavitra hoon, lekin phir bhi main nahaya nahi hoon 10 din se.

{ Om(calmly): Soumya…I understand what u r saying…but I’m not talking about outside purity, but inside purity…like I’m pure from inside but even I’ve not taken a bath for 10 days}

Everyone makes a disgusted face knowing that Om hasn’t taken a bath from 10
days.
Shivaye(again in a nasal voice): fhat the wuck, u haven’t taken a bath for
last days…..are u crazy???(again we only hear: wayiong wayiong
wayiong….fhat he wuck…wayiong wayiong wayiong….)

Om(calmly, giving a smile to Shivaye): Shivaye…shant ho jao…pehle meri baat
suno…main isliye nahi nahaya, kyunki main iss duniya mein khushya lana
chahta hoon… mere na nahane se, hazaro logo ko pani milega, koi pyasa na
rahega, mere iss tyaag se, agar kuch garibo ka bhala hota hai toh isse badi
khushi ki baat, mere liye aur kya ho sakti hai????
{ Om(calmly, giving a smile to Shivaye): Shivaye…calm down…first listen to me….I didn’t took a bath because I want to bring happiness in this world…If I’ll not take a bath then thousands of people will get water to drink…If my this sacrifice helps some poor people, then what can give me more happiness}

Shivaye(again completely going Nasal): Fhat the wuck man???? How can
thousand people get water if u don’t take a bath???? Are u crazy?? How’s
that even possible???? (now again we only here: wayiong, wayiong,
wayiong…fhat the wuck…khoon khandaan…wayiong wayiong wayiong)
Soumya(to Shivaye): Bade bhaiya, it’s actually true…according to a
research, if one person doesn’t uses water for one day, then around 100
people will get water to drink.
Rudra( confused): wait a second!!!!! How can anyone not use water for a
day???? What will we use in the Toilet????
All(disgusted): uh…Rudra….JUST SHUT UP!!!!!

Anika(to Om): wah Om…tum toh ek dum chant baaz nikle…aur ek ye hai(referring
to Shivaye) sirf tadi maarna aata hai inhe, aur kuch nahi… (now she speaks
to Shivaye)dekho ji, aapke chote bhai ke paas aapse zyada dimag hai…..kuch
seekho Om se….pata nahi itna bada business kaise sambhalte ho…5 paise ki
akal nahi hai aap mein!!!!
{Anika(to Om): wow Om…u r so smart…and this is your brother(referring
to Shivaye) he only know how to show tadi, nothing else… (now she speaks
to Shivaye)see, your younger brother has more brain than u…learn something from Om…..don’t know how u handle such a big business empire…u don’t even have 5 pennies of brain}

Shivaye(starts showing tadi): Shivaye Singh Oberoi ko kisi se kuch sikhne
ki zaroorat nahi hai…Shivaye Singh Oberoi ko sab pata hai…..Shivaye Singh
Oberoi ko ye bhi pata tha ki tumhe Om shayari sikha raha tha…main toh bas
acting kar raha tha.
{ Shivaye(starts showing tadi): Shivaye Singh Oberoi doesn’t needs to learn anything…Shivaye Singh Oberoi knows everything…..Shivaye Singh
Oberoi also knew that Om was teaching u shayari…I was just doing acting}

Anika(rudely): oh achaa.????
{ Anika(rudely): oh really.????}

Shivaye(scared): haan Anika, mujhpe bharosa karo….main sach kehta hoon…Tia
ki kasam.
{ Shivaye(scared): yes Anika, trust me…I’m saying the truth…Tia’s swear}

Anika(shouts in anger): waah…ab cheapdi Tia ki hi kasam mili hain khane ke
liye…naam bhi mat lena uska mere saamne…mujhe uske naam se hi michmichi hoti hai…acting karne ka itna hi shauk hai toh Shah Rukh ki karo…Amit ji
ki nahi…saara din angry young man ban kar ghumte rehte ho

{Anika(shouts in anger): wow, now only cheapdi Tia is left for u to swear…don’t even dare to take her name in front of me…. I get michmichi after hearing her name…If u like too do so much acting, then do the acting of Shah Rukh and not of Amit ji….all day u roam around, acting like angry young man}

Shivaye(irritated): fhat the wuck….what’s that language??? Cheap…mich….uh..{(gain we only hear : wayiong, wayiong, wayiong) and Shah Rukh??? Who’s this Shah Rukh????
Everyone gets shocked hearing that, Shivaye doesn’t knows Srk.

Rudra(shocked): bhaiya, aapko pata nahi hai Srk kaun hain
{ Rudra(shocked): bhaiya, u don’t know, who is Srk???}

Soumya(shocked): Bade bhaiya, u r joking na???
Shivaye(gets more confused): fhat the wuck??? Now, who’s Srk???? We were talking about Shah Rukh na???
Anika(arrogantly): aur inse umeed bhi kya ki jaa sakti hai??? Karan Johar ki
thodi movies dekh lete, toh height kam nahi ho jaati.

{ Anika(arrogantly): what can u expect from him??? If u would have watched some movies of Karan Johar, then your height will not decrease}

Shivaye(gets angry): Fhat the wuck Anika!!!!! I told u so many times, not
to talk about my height??? Why don’t u get it???(again Shivaye speaks in
Nasal voice and we don’t understand anything other than: wayong, wayong,
wayong….khooon khandaan…wayong, wayong, wayong….sadak ka kooda…wayong
wayong, wayong, …kachre ka dibba…..wayong,wayong, wayong)

{Shivaye(gets angry): Fhat the wuck Anika!!!!! I told u so many times, not
to talk about my height??? Why don’t u get it???(again Shivaye speaks in
Nasal voice and we don’t understand anything other than: wayong, wayong,
wayong….blood lineage…wayong, wayong, wayong….road trash…wayong
wayong, wayong, …dustbin…..wayong,wayong, wayong)}

Anika(shouting at Shivaye): chup karo ji……pata nahi kya bol rahe ho??? Kuch
samajh nahi aa raha hai???? Mooh mein jo bhi hai, thook kar bolo.
{Anika(shouting at Shivaye): just shut up…don’t know what u r saying??? I’m not getting anything??? Whatever it’s there in yur mouth, first spit it and then say}

Om(calmly): Shivaye, Anika…shaant ho jao….. aise jhagda mat karo….ye tum
dono ko shobha nahi deta…pati-patni ka rishta toh atoot hota hai, use aise
badnaam na karo. Shivaye, Rudra tumhe batayega, Shah Rukh kaun hai…Rudra, dev..uh…mera matlab Rudra…tum batao isse.
{Om(calmly): Shivaye, Anika…calm down, don’t fight like this….It doesn’t suits both of u….the relation of husband-wife is very strong….don’t make it infamous….Shivaye, Rudra will tell u who is Srk…Rudra dev..uh..I mean Rudra, u tell him}
.Rudra(starts mimicking Srk): hehehe(goat laugh like Srk) Don ko pakadna
mushkil hi nahi, namumkin hai……hehehe(again goat laugh like Srk) hehehe(Now
Rudra gets serious) Ammi jaan kehti thi, koi bhi dhanda chota nahi hota, aur
dhande se bada koi dharm nahi hota….jo dhande ke liye sahi woh sahi, jo dhande ke liye
galat woh galat, isse zyada kabhi socha nahi….hehehehe(again goat laugh)
{Rudra(starts mimicking Srk): hehehe(goat laugh like Srk) It’s not only difficult to catch Don, it’s imposible……hehehe(again goat laugh like Srk) hehehe(Now
Rudra gets serious) My mother used to say, no business is small and no religion is bigger than business….hehehehe(again goat laugh) whatever is right for business is right, whatever is wrong for business is wrong…never thought more than this…hehehe(again goat laugh)}

Soumya(annoyed): Rudra, stop doing overacting.
Rudra(againg mimicking Srk): Srk ki saanso mein overacting hain madam….mujhe toh rok loge, par iss hawa ko kaise rokoge??
{ Rudra(againg mimicking Srk): There’s overacting in Srk’s breath also madam…u can stop me, but how will u stop this overacting.}
Anika: Rudra…tumhe romantic Srk bana hai…villain wala Srk nahi.
{ Anika: Rudra…u have to become romantic Srk….not villainous Srk}

Rudra(confused): hain??? Kya??? Romantic??? Uh…okay…main who bhi ban sakta hoon, koi baat nahi
{Rudra(confused): hain??? what??? Romantic??? Uh…okay…I can become that also…no big deal.}

Rudra(again mimicking Srk): k.k.k.Kiran…k..k..kiran. tum meri ho Kiran..tum meri ho.hehehe(again goat laugh)
Soumya(awkwardly): Rudra…ye thoda zyada ho raha hai
{ Soumya(awkwardly): Rudra…it’s getting too much}
Om(calmly): Rudra..rehne do…main dikhata hoon, Srk kaise bante hain…mujhe zara apna Sitar dena.
{Om(calmly): Rudra….leave it…I’ll tell u how to become Srk…give me your Sitar}
Rudra: O…it’s not Sitar, it’s guitar
Om: uh…haan wahi
(Om: uh…yes, that only)
Rudra takes out the guitar from nowhere and gives it to Om.
Om gets up from the sofa, plays the guitar and starts singing:
Tujhe Dekha toh ye jaana sanam

Pyar hota hai deewana sanam

Ab yaha se kaha jaaye hum,

Teri baaho mein mar jaaye hum

Anika also gets up from the sofa and starts singing:

Saans mein teri, saans mili toh,
mujhe saans aayi… mujhe saans aayi… mujhe saans aayi.

Again Shivaye, Rudra and Soumya get shocked.
Shivaye(shouts in anger): Fhat the wuck man!!!!! Fhat the wuck !!!! you
both again started flirting {Shivaye again starts shouting in nasal voice
and we don’t understand anything other than:(leave it, u all already
know….how many times will I repeat???)}

Shivaye gets very angry and starts shouting like an animal . Rudra and
Soumya go and hold him. Hotel staff also comes to control Shivaye. Om and
Anika don’t pay any heed and continue singing songs.
Shivaye(shouts in nasal voice): Leave me…leave me…wayong,wayong,wayong
…fhat the wuck…..leave me.
Anika gets angry seeing Shivaye acting like crazy.

Anika(to Shivaye) oh ji…band karo apna natak….hum dono bas gana gaa rahe
the..pata nahi main kya karoon is aadmi ka????
{ Anika(to Shivaye) oh ji…stop your drama….we both were just singing the song….don’t know what to do with this man}

Shivaye gets back in his senses and calms down.
Anika: chalo ab ghar …bahut ho gaya ye sab!!!!!

{ Anika: come on, lets go home now, that’s enough for today}

Everyone come out of the hotel and go to their car
Shivaye(again in nasal voice): fhat the wuck man…Rudra…why do u bought this
red car???? It’s so old fashioned!!!!!
Rudra(to Shivaye): Bhaiya, u don’t know anything about cars…Latest model
toh sab kharidte hai, par Rudy old model kharidta hain
{ Rudra(to Shivaye): Bhaiya, u don’t know anything about cars…everybody buys the Latest model…but Rudy buys the Old fashioned model}

Soumya(taunting): tab toh tum bhudi dadiyon ko bki date karte hoge?? Hain
na Rudra???
{Soumya(taunting): oh…then u must be dating old grandmas too?? right Rudra??}

Rudra(angry): Sumo…u…

Om(calmly): Shivaye, Rudra…wahan to wahan hota hai, aur iska ek hi kaam
hota hai….hume humari manzil tak pahuchana, par ye toh hum apne pairo se
bhi kar sakte hain??? Toh wahan ka istemaal kyu??? Isse kitna pradushan
failta hai…humein humari prakriti ki raksha karni chahiye.

{Om(calmly): Shivaye, Rudra…vehicle is a vehicle and it has only one use…to take us to our destination …but we can do that with our legs also??? Then why use a vehicle??? It causes so much pollution…we should take care of our environment}

Rudra(getting bored): Bhaiya…u should stop watching pravachans from Baba.
Anika: ab chodo ye sab aur chalo.
{Anika: leave all this…come on, lets go}
All sit in the car and leave.

This crap will be continued….wait for the next part.

Precap: Shivaye, Om, Rudra, Anika and Soumya are going back home. They meet
a run away bride(shrenu) on the way.

Plz drop the comments, because I’ll continue writing only if I get
comments. Whether it’s positive or negative, I want your feedback.