SWASAN: If this is your love, my Prince… Then please trust me [37]

Swara opens her eyes in darkness, the lights from her medical material gives her the view of her empty room, her empty life, her empty heart from everything but aching… It has been three days she didn’t have any glimpse of him. Sanskar was sculling badly and she’s feeling helpless unable to do anything against that.

She closes her eyes hot tears making their way on her pale cheeks her lungs filling with a breath full of his scents, he was here like every time she got conscious since he brought her back from the temple but just disappears before her eyelids find the force to raise up giving her his sight.
Looking aside to the medical bed he used to sleep on in the last weeks she never left this sterilized room, she has a bitter memory of those months of separation she imposed him not so long time ago… now it seems like if all what she did with him was wrong, she was never able to show him as much love as he deserves. He has always been the cure of all her pains and she kept harming him again and again…

But how could she just stay here when his small sister was ruining her life forever? Why couldn’t he see that it’s her love toward him which pushes her to those extremes? When will he understand that his family is important for her because of him and only him?
she throws her head back looking up helping herself to take a deep breath as she feels suffocating by his absence, her shaking hand reaches her mangalsutra and the entwined “SS” necklace trying to find forces in their unbreakable love, forces she’s feeling herself loosing every passing since he’s away.

Doctors can’t explain why she’s not improving despite their efforts and the amount of rest she’s taking getting conscious just some moments per day, it’s because they don’t know that her only cure is him, his presence, his force and tenderness, his smile and loving gaze, those are the reasons for her to fight mercilessly against her physical weakness… now he’s away, she feels like her soul has been rooted from her and it’s harder than all her disease’s effects.
Closing her eyes, she lets go of her endless tears drowning her face feeling her last barriers braking suddenly letting the flow of soreness invade every single pore of her fragile silhouette…
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

In the adjacent room, Sanskar closes the doors behind him supporting his body to their rude surface for a moment closing his eyes… he hoped he could cry to free his nerves from this tension tearing them endlessly for the three past days.
***

Ye Dil Tanha Kyun Rahe
Why should this heart remain lonely?
Kyun Hum Tukdon Mein Jiyein
Why should I live in bits?
Ye Dil Tanha Kyun Rahe
Why should this heart remain lonely?
Kyun Hum Tukdon Mein Jiyein
Why should I live in bits?
Kyun Rooh… Meri… Ye Sahe…

Why should my soul suffer in this way?

Main Adhoora Jee Raha Hoon
I’m living like an incomplete being
Hardam Ye Keh Raha Hoon
I’m saying this every moment
Mujhe Teri Zaroorat Hai… (x3)
I just need You
***

The last words he pronounced were toward his sister he’s still blaming for her deeds… he knows she’s crying inconsolably since then but he’s just unable to get any sympathy for anyone.
The image of Swara’s unconscious statue on the temple’s floor invades his memories unwelcomed and dragging his heavy foot toward his bed, he lets himself slide to the ground not able to stay straight anymore.

In his mind, images of the last doctor’s visit on that day play in flashbacks, blood pressure low, pulse low, vital signals low the only high thing is the multitude of risks engulfing her weak body in mortal path… infections, heart attack or even delivery work as she had to stay on laying down position for the past months… a natural end of her pregnancy is signing her death certificate!
***
Ye Dil Tanha Kyun Rahe
Why should this heart remain lonely?
Kyun Hum Tukdon Mein Jiyein

Why should I live in bits?
Ye Dil Tanha Kyun Rahe
Why should this heart remain lonely?
Kyun Hum Tukdon Mein Jiyein

Why should I live in bits?
Kyun Rooh Meri Ye Sahe
Why should my soul suffer in this way?

Main Adhoora Jee Raha Hoon
I’m living like an incomplete being
Hardam Ye Keh Raha Hoon
I’m saying this every moment
Mujhe Teri Zaroorat Hai… (x2)
I just need You

***

Gathering his knees to his chest, he lands his elbows on them gripping his head between his hands like trying to stop his brain from losing his last senses… how would she be so careless? How could she harm herself to that extend for others? How could she do that to him?
He feels like he’s plunging long time ago, like if the surrounding darkness is invading his heart again… He’s back to those times when he was heartless and unable to feel others’ pain because there were no more place for sentiments in his broken heart…
***

Andheron Se Tha Mera Rishta Bada
I had a good relationship with darkness
Tune Hi Ujaalon Se Waaqif Kiya
You were the one who acquainted me with light
Ab Lauta Main Hoon In Andheron Mein Phir
Now I’ve come back again into the darkness
Toh Paaya Khud Ko Begaana Yahaan
And I find myself alone here
Tanhaayi Bhi Mujhse Khafa Ho Gayi
Loneliness is upset with me

Banjaron Ne Bhi Thukra Diya
Even barren land have rejected me
***
But her pain is still here living with him like replacing his own shadow as his soul aches only for her… for her love, her presence, the warmth of security she makes him feel by her only gaze looking in his eyes…
***
Main Adhoora Jee Raha Hoon
I’m living like an incomplete being
Khud Par Hi Ek Sazaa Hoon
I’m a punishment on myself
Mujhe Teri Zaroorat Hai… (x2)
I just need You

***
He closes his eyes again tightly feeling like creaming to the moon to free his chest from that oppressing weight choking him.
Opening them on their room’s décor, memories of their sweet moments of talking, playing and lovemaking submerges him like nagging him about a time he’ll never live again…
***
Hmm… Tere Jism Ki, Woh Khushbooein
The fragrance of Your body

Ab Bhi Inn Saanson Mein Zinda Hain
Is still alive in my breath
Mujhe Ho Rahi Inse Ghutan
I’m feeling suffocated because of them
Mere Gale Ka Yeh Phanda Hai
They are like a rope tied around my neck
Aaaa…
Ho… Tere Choodiyon Ki Woh Khanak
Jingling of Your bangles
Yaadon Ke Kamre Mein Goonje Hai
Is still echoing in the room of my memories

Sunkar Isse Aata Hai Yaad
On listening to it I remember
Haathon Mein Mere Zanjeerin Hain
That there’s shackles (handcuffs/chains) in my hands
Tu Hi Aake Inko Nikaal Zara
You only come and take them off
Kar Mujhe Yahaan Se Riha

Release me from them
***
His helplessness is killing him from inside just like her cancer is doing to her… a burning feeling of fire flowing in his veins is devastating him too in this battle between his need of being with her, wrapping her in his protective embrace, soothing her pains… and between his no more controlled anger face to this situation on which he has no any kind of will… the will she stole from him once again…

He feels lonely in this whole world around because she’s not with him and the few steps separating him from her presence just aside are like walking on thorns… he’s afraid of himself… afraid of a confrontation he knows they both are unable to stand… the huger his love is toward her, the devastating is his anger when she forgets that “if anything happens to Swara… it’s Sanskar who will suffer”
***
Main Adhoora Jee Raha Hoon
I’m living like an incomplete being
Ye Sadaayein De Raha Hoon
I’m calling out to You
Mujhe Teri Zaroorat Hai… (x3)
I just need You
***

But he’s missing her badly… he misses her breath soothing the aching of his heart in this situation… he misses her shining with happiness eyes when he tells her the plans he’s making for their future life… he misses her wide smile when he took her out for a needed amount of pure oxygen… he misses her laughs at his theatrical complains about lack of closeness and her blushing cheeks at his shameless future suggestions…
His eyes reddened with refusing to flow tears roam over the plunged in darkness décor once more before his lids gives him rest closing above them. At this instant he wants to never open them again…

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
In her room, Swara who has drift off again in unconsciousness wakes up with a jerk feeling like if someone punched her in stomach, bitterness flows up to her throat menacing to come out throwing up her few spoons of soup she accepted from her nurse’s hands knowing perfectly that he’s checking about every detail even not being with her.

She miraculously manages to arrive to the washroom before drowning herself and her surrounding with her usual acid flows out, coughing badly she sustains her weak shaking shoulders gripping the bowl’s edge tightly while the waves of nauseas come and go lot of times… every time it comes up, she feels like pouring a bit of her life out again and soon her vision start blurring with tears and weakness… breathless, she feels about fainting when it starts coming up once more…
Suddenly, there it was, those huge hands griping her arms with a softened force needed to sustain her skinny body, his chest against her aching back giving her support as he kneels behind her waiting for the terrible moment to just pass away…

Deep inside a black anger raises inside her for the situation but she’s not in state to express it as even her shaking hands are no more able to push him away like she used to do… this is so unjust from her illness… she’s not in need of his pity! Not now! Not when he’s so cold with her…
After what seems like eternity, her stomach calms finally down giving her some rest. Closing her eyes trying to stop her tears’ flow, she feels the softness of his handkerchief wiping the sweat pearling on her forehead and neck, the tears drowning her cheeks and her lips’ corner… she looks back to him angrily about telling him that he hasn’t to bear all this when he’s not bearing her presence but her ire evaporates suddenly when her gaze land on his face… she chokes in her breath at the sight of his red eyes circled with blackness, his tired cheeks disappearing in his some days beard… unconsciously, her lips formulate a shaking:

– Sorry…
His worried face closes immediately at the sound of her voice and before she could say further, he helps her standing up and turns away at the moment he feels she’s able to walk by her own. But he’s retained back her hand griping his wrist as she asks softly:
– If you don’t want to talk to me, won’t you hear what I want tell you?
Closing his eyes tightly, he feels submerged by his tears as well as his anger and the last he wants is to breaking down in front of her, so griping her wrist by his other hand, he frees himself gently taking off her hand saying sternly:

– Not now Swara! We’ll talk later…
His feet are about moving away again when he’s rooted in place by her glacial tone saying:
– What if later will be too late, Sanskar?

He turns back to her his mad unfocused look roaming over her face’s features like trying to find if she just said a joke, trying to reject what his mind has just registered in her words… she shivers at his changing posture feeling that he’s about exploding at her face and tried to say something but he points his finger at her face daring her to speak before saying:

– You want to tell me that you didn’t want to hurt me by leaving your confined protective space necessary for your survive because you couldn’t let any harm reach Uttara who is by the way MY sister so your mindless careless and putting your life in danger was just for ME and not for your uncontrolled need of saving the world… and I don’t want to tell you that I don’t give a damn to your explanation as you’re just as your usual and I shouldn’t even feel hurt because this my MAHAN Swara, if she doesn’t act stupid and forget about her own state, who would do?
She’s shocked by his words, never in the worst moments they lived till now he has lost his contril this much in front of her… his fisted other hand hanging down at his side as his breathing shallows, her blurred with tears eyes doesn’t fail to see the tears forming in his rude eyes as he continues:

– This is the conversation I wanted to avoid Mrs. Maheshwari but of course what can the helpless puppy of madam do face to her stubbornness… now full stop of this fuc**ng discussion and don’t you ever dare blackmail emotionally me like this again!!!
The punch she feels in her stomach was harder this time and for a moment she sees nothing but blackness but the small quantity of blood running in her veins boils suddenly as the meaning of his words reaches her numb brain… did he just accused her of blackmailing him emotionally? Like seriously? Is he feeling it this way?

Anger’s adrenaline pick gives her a strength she didn’t feel since so long as she walks in his way when he turns away about going, her accusing eyes standing his fuming with rage gaze when she barely controlling her voice:
– How dare you Mr. Maheshwari!? ME??? I AM BLACKMAILING YOU EMOTIONALLY!????…
– STOP SHOUTING SWARA! And yes this is called blackmailing emotionally when you uses your illness to threaten me!

– What the hell are you saying!?!? Using my illness… threatening you… blackmailing… am I forcing you to…?
He doesn’t let her end as he snaps back:
– Yes you do! By choosing the pregnancy over your life, you do! By stopping your cure, you do? By putting your life in danger, you do DAMN IT!

Unable to hear more, she turns away escaping from the storm which rises suddenly in the small space of this yucking washroom, but he grips her arm making her turns back to him and shouts:
– Where the hell are you going, Swara? You started this, finish it! Why are you crying ha? Does it hurt? Do you feel betrayed? Do I look like a heartless monster face to his wife’s distress??? SO I AM!!!!
Tears start finally to flow from his eyes making her feel strangled by her owns, she wants to wipe his cheeks but he grabs her hand in the way stopping her:
– S… Sanskar!?
– TO HELL SANSKAR!!!
Making a step back he brushes his hair back pulling on it as he tries to calm himself vainly, he looks down to her trembling posture and says with a shaking with tears voice:
– Have you any idea how mad are you driving me, princess!?
She closes her eyes gulping her tears back as he continues:
– How could you? How could you say that it might be too late? You asked my trust… you asked my faith in you for all this and for what? For a promise to finally sometimes later… it would be too late!

He palms his face taking a deep loud breath breaking her heart then comes closer to her cupping her face in his hands and saying his eyes plunging in hers:
– Tell me princess? Until when will you keep punishing me like that?
She holds his hands saying with a strangled with tears voice:
– I’m not punishing you, Sanskar… I didn’t want this illness… i didn’t want to die and let you…

He takes his hands from her abruptly almost making her lose her balance and turns away crying badly making her unsteady steps toward him heavier, she face him again saying:
– I love you more than my own life, Sanskar… how can I punish you?
He tilts his head aside looking to her with tears still flowing from his eyes, he seems calmer and an almost smile draws his lips as her says:
– You’re punishing me for what I made you live months ago, for making you believe that I was died… you’re paying me back now… hai na princess?
– How can you say that, Sanskar? I don’t want you to suffer… I don’t want to let you and go… I promised you to…
– And you’re breaking your promise NOW! By your deeds, by your words… you’re just drugging my senses until it will be TOO LATE… hai na?

Bursting out crying again, he holds her face in his palms crashing her against him and asks sobbing:
– Just tell me… just once tell me the truth… until when will I have to bear this? Give me timeline… you know everything more than everyone… tell me when this all will end?
Looking in his eyes emotionlessly, she whispers:
– Asks the crosses you’re drawing in your notebook, Mr. Maheshwari?… aren’t you counting my days? YOU, tell me how many sticks are remaining? How many days will I spend with you my prince?

He parts from her like if she just slapped him hard, she knows about the notebook… she knows about his counting crosses…
– Kya hua? Surprised?… main Swara hoon Mr. Maheshwari… even when you was death for the whole world I felt you breathing around… so ha… if you believed so much in my survival, why then are you counting my days until my death?
This time he doesn’t gets angry at the word “death” as his usual, he just looks tired to the infinity… he looks to her with still soaked eyes even he’s no more crying and after what seems like eternity, he finally speaks:
– You really think that I’m able to count your remaining days for all this time and wait for your d… your…?

The words fails to find its way through his sore throat and suddenly he just stretches his arms holding her shoulders as she keeps looking to him silent, wrapping her in a bone breaking hold like he wants to melt her in him protectively he mets go of his tears again saying in her neck:
– If I was counting your last breaths princess, I would have lost mine long time ago…
Tightening his hold around her as she hugs him back finally, her tears drowning his neck, he adds:

– I’m just counting every day we’re winning toward your life… I’m just counting every small battle I’m so proud to see you win daily against this cancer… I’m just waiting for my last promise to be fulfilled by saving our baby and then only we can really fight this disease once and for all… please Swara…don’t lose hope now please…
Her sobs had calmed down as he feels her arms loosening their hold on his waist and the small thing his wife became turns heavier in his arms… serenity gained her pale face he turns up to him looking worried to her and hotness wet his bare feet on the ground… looking down about cupping her in his arms and bringing her back to her bed, he discovers at her stained with vivid redness
white nighty sight, that she’s bleeding badly…
–
SWARA!!!!
TO BE CONTINUED!