“That Unknown Feeling”- Chapter 41: Pain, Guilt, and Faded Scars

Heyy Guys, Shreya here! I know it’s been a long time ( *cough* months *cough*) but I’m back for good, and I’m gonna be continuing this ff till the end, so I hope you guys will stick with me until the end of the journey.There’s an important author’s note at the end of this chapter, so be sure to read that.

If there any readers new to this ff, click on this link: (I promise you won’t regret it 😉 )
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Recap: Sayyam puts Yuvani in her bed, and returns to his and Krishna’s room to find out that she is drinking his vodka, they have a deep conversation and kiss, before Sayyam leaves the room out of guilt.

Warning: This chapter has mature content: *Self-harm*
*****

Yuvani carefully stepped into the outhouse after having checked all other rooms in the house for Sayyam, a dull pounding in her head from all the drinks she’d had last night.
She knew she needed to apologize to Sayyam for getting that drunk and for getting Krishna into trouble.

She’d felt even guiltier when she’d woken up, still neatly covered by a pair of blankets. He was always fixing her messes and covering for her, even though she was supposed to be the older sister.

She smiled fondly, remembering the time Sayyam had distracted their mother so she could sneak into the house. He’d been fixing her messes since she could even remember.
Yuvani slowly closed the door behind her, taking soft steps towards his room.

“Sayyam? Bro, you here?” Yuvani whispered, not expecting to find him in his old room.

She froze when she saw him sitting on the floor, his back against the foot of his bed, facing away from her.

His hands were trembling.

“Sayyam?” she called out to him, noticing how he jolted to attention, pulling his sleeves down hectically.

Yuvani rushed to his side, barely taking note of the sliver of glass laying on the ground at her brother’s feet. She glanced up at his bloodshot eyes and then down to his shaking arms

A thin stream of blood tricked down his wrist.

“Hey, hey, hey, no,” she whispered, “Sayyam, what have you done?” She grabbed his forearm, pushing his sleeve back.

There were fresh cuts on the inside of his arm, accompanying the scars that previously marked his skin.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he finally responded, his voice hoarse and edgy.

“You can’t make me leave,” Yuvani stressed sternly, her eyes stinging from the tears threatening to spill over. “You promised me you’d stop this.”

“Yuvani-” he started, his voice defensive.

“No,” her eyebrows furrowed together in frustration and worry. “You promised me you would never even think of doing this again!”

“It’s just a few scratches,” he brushed her off, “I’m not dying.”

“It’s just scratches?” Yuvani tensed up, “Sayyam, you cut yourself,” she hissed, shocked at his utter lack of care.

Sayyam let out a short cynical laugh, sitting up and looking Yuvani dead in the eye, “I deserve this; and you don’t get to tell me what to do and how to handle my problems.”

“I’m your older sister-”

“My older sister who passed out in the back of my car after drinking too much last night apparently.”

Yuvani sat back for a second, processing what he’d just said, “You don’t mean that,” she whispered, realization hitting her. “Something happened, didn’t it? Something happened and it drove you to hurt yourself, and now you’re trying to push me away.”

Sayyam stood up steadily, and walked over to his bathroom, beginning to wash his arms, not saying a word in response to Yuvani.

Yuvani walked over to him, grabbing a towel off his desk and helping him clean up.

“You know you can tell me, right? Have I ever judged you before?” She whispered, her voice slightly echoing due to the bathroom paneling.

Sayyam finally leaned back against the wall from exhaustion; it was clear he’d gotten no sleep the night before.

The brother sister duo stood in silence, when Sayyam’s voice rang out in the small room.

“I kissed her, Yuvani; I kissed Krishna.”

Yuvani paused, setting the towel back on the counter, “Why?”

“I don’t know,” Sayyam shrugged, guilt clouding his features, “If I hadn’t-”

“Did she kiss you back?” Yuvani interrupted him, crossing her arms.

“What?” Sayyam looked up, bewildered.

“Did she kiss you as well?” Yuvani raised her eyebrows.

“Yuvani, she was drunk-”

“Sayyam.”

“Yes. Okay? She did.”

“Then what’s the problem Sayyam? You kissed your wife, who happened to be drunk at the time. Nothing else happened right?” Her eyes narrowed in apprehension.

“What? No, of course not. I- she already hates me Yuvani, what if when she wakes up, she blames me for what happened, what if-”

“Why would you care? Yuvani interrupted him once again, “why does it matter what she thinks of you?”

Sayyam frowned, ruffling his hair, and began to head for his cupboard, “When did I say it mattered to me?”

“Oh stop.” Yuvani followed him out, snatching the shirt he’d picked up and handing him another one, “We both know you care for her Sayyam, stop masking that part of yourself.”

Sayyam accepted the shirt silently, pulling it over his head and tugging the long sleeves all the way down.

Yuvani stepped closer to him, fixing his hair gently, “Sayyam, you are not your father, do you understand that? You can’t be blamed with anything that man did. You’re a different person, you hear me?” She paused for a moment before saying her next words, “and Sayyam?” Her voice was softer, gentler, “promise me you won’t do this again, that you won’t do this to yourself.”
Sayyam nodded, slowly, but affirmatively, not able to respond in the moment. Yuvani slowly stepped away from him, and turned around, heading for the entrance, when she felt Sayyam’s hand on her arm, slightly pulling her back towards him.

Sayyam engulfed her in a hug, burying his head in her shoulder; and for a second, she could feel his pain, understand the depth of the burdens he carried.

“Thank you,” he whispered, pulling away from her; and she could hear everything he wanted to say, everything he wouldn’t allow himself to say.

“Always bro,” she smiled fondly, backing out of the room.

“Where are you going now?” Sayyam leaned against his cupboard, his head tilting to the right.

“To give Krishna some lemon juice, she’ll need it,” Yuvani grimaced.

“It wasn’t your fault last night you know? You were trying to help her, in your own way.”

“I know,” Yuvani shrugged, “but I failed miserably.”

Sayyam nodded, holding back a laugh.

“And you do know that you can’t stay in here forever, right?” She raised her eyebrows at him, halfway out the door by now.

“I know,” he shoved his hands into his pockets, giving her a tight-lipped smile.

“Mmm, good,” Yuvani grinned, before leaving.

And silence once again permeated the room.
_____

Krishna’s eyes fluttered open, and she groaned. Her hands felt heavy and she thought her head would explode at any given moment.

What had happened?

At first, it was all a blur.

Yuvani.
That dress.
The bar.

Krishna slowly sat up, and the first thing she noticed was the glass of lemonade on her bedside table. She gradually began to remember more and more.

The drinks.
That guy at the bar.
Sayyam.

It wasn’t a mystery that that Sayyam was the one who’d brought her and Yuvani home, but there was something else.

Something else had happened.

Something she just couldn’t remember, no matter how much pressure she placed on her brain.
It took her a total of two minutes to realize that there was no way she was getting out of bed without falling over if she didn’t drink the juice. She lifted the glass off the the table, bringing it to her lips, when she saw her reflection in the liquid.

Her lipstick was slightly smeared.

She was remembering more now.

She faintly remembered waking up at 3am on the ground, her head resting on her arm which was propped on the bed.

Where had Sayyam been?

Krishna forced herself to her feet, holding onto random pieces of furniture, to navigate herself to the mirror. She glanced at Sayyam’s cupboard.

The vodka.
Sayyam
The kiss.

Krishna’s eyes widened, the details rushing at her as she stared at her mirror image.

She remembered now.

She remembered everything.

*****
So, how do you guys think Krishna is gonna react? Tell me in the comments 😉

Also guys, I just wanna see how many of you all will be riding this out with me until the end, so please do comment. I will be posting a chapter every Sunday and Thursday.

Love you guys!! I’ll see you on Sunday!

– Shreya <3