Counting Stars: (Kriyam OS)

Rain pattered down on a windowsill; the only sound in a room filled with silence. The curtains were barely drawn, some moonlight filtering through, and everything was motionless.

Sayyam set his coffee mug on the table beside him, cold and untouched, heaving a long sigh. A knot formed in his chest, then in his throat, as he looked out, remembering…

‘Will you count the stars for me?’

Those words, fresh in his mind, felt like a wound that would never close. Every time it came to him, it took all his willpower to not burst into tears.

Willpower that now eluded him as he slumped forward, elbows resting on knees, face buried in hands, as a lone tear rolled down his cheek.

How unfair it was; how cruelly, terribly unfair. Life always seemed to be most unfair to the kindest of hearts.

Sayyam shuddered, drawing in a deep breath, and wiped the tear away with the back of his palm. Crying would fix nothing. It would not fill that deep crater in his heart. It would not bring her back.

Her.

He stood up, willing himself to walk towards the door. Sayyam stepped into the chilly night air, slowly moving towards the garden. He felt a small breeze dance through the flowers and froze.

For a moment, Sayyam could see her playing with the roses, occasionally glancing at him gleefully. His lips curled up as he watched the girl he loved spin around in circles, her head tilted up towards the sky.

“Krishna,” he whispered, taking a step towards her.

And suddenly she was gone.

Sayyam turned away, slowly making his way over to the bench. He instinctively sat down at the left end, leaving some space for her. She always insisted on sitting on the right side; she used to say that she could count the stars easier that way.

Sayyam smiled wistfully as he looked up at the millions of stars adorning the night sky. He could almost feel a warm presence against his side, as his thoughts took his mind back in time.

_____

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Krishna turned her head toward the color-streaked sky.

Sayyam followed her gaze, nodding in awe. It truly was beautiful. The sun was almost gone and the sky above them was a dark hue of blue. It was magical, with strokes of pink, red, orange, and purple reaching endlessly across the horizon. Golden rays spread out, blending the colors together. The light was golden and delicate, and it bathed Krishna’s face, making her glow as if she were an angel.

Beautiful.

“It’s one of my favorite things in the world,” Krishna sighed contentedly, leaning her head on his shoulder, “seeing the sunset from here, and watching the stars come out.” Krishna paused, holding onto his arm and snuggled into him.

“You know what Sayyam? They say that when you die, you’ll go up in the stars; and that there’ll be a new star born when you die, and it will shine as brightly as you did, as you lived.”

Krishna would make a very bright star then.

Sayyam kissed the top of her head softly, blinking back tears. “I love you.”

“I love you too Sayyam. With my whole entire being, I love you,” Krishna turned to face him, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, “even if this cancer does end up getting the best of me, even if I do end up dying, I will love you and will always wait for you,” Krishna looked up at him, a bittersweet smile etched on her face.

“Don’t say such things Krishna, I told you, I won’t let you die.”

“I know, I just want for you to know just in case. Can you promise me something?”

“What is it?”

“If I do die-” Krishna started.

“Which you won’t.” He stated firmly.

“Hear me out,” Krishna pouted resolutely, “If I do die, promise me that you’ll find happiness, promise me that you won’t stop living your life just because I’m not there.

“Krishna-” he began to speak.

“-because…I will be there” Krishna continued in a hushed tone, ignoring his interruption, “I will watch over you and be with you even if you can’t see me. Just promise me you won’t simply keep existing, but you’ll live life for what it is.”

“Krishna-” he spoke again, shaking his head slightly.

“Sayyam,” her eyebrows furrowed together, immediately silencing him, “please, promise me.”

“I wish I could ignore you like you ignore me, but I just can’t,” Sayyam chuckled, a hint of pain in his voice. He then glanced into her deep amber eyes, which were overflowing with countless emotions.

“I- I promise,” he whispered, gently leaning forward so his forehead was pressed against hers.

_____

Sayyam exhaled as he looked towards the sky, his right hand reaching for the chain clasped around his neck. There was a thin silver band suspended from it. ‘His engagement ring’ he remembered warmly, a solemn expression on his face. On the inside of the ring were inscribed two simple words.

Forever Yours.

_____

Sayyam was grinning as he and Krishna circled the fire. With each step they took, his heart skipped a beat. He heard Krishna chuckle behind him, and his smile widened. This was it. They were finally getting married. Krishna had wanted a small wedding; only family and close friends, so here they were at last. Sayyam glimpsed up into his mother’s eyes as he and Krishna took the last round. Suhani’s face was shining with happiness, as she watched the ceremony. But somewhere, beneath all the joy, was a certain sorrow- a kind of sympathy- it was as if they all knew that the unavoidable was coming, and that Sayyam would not be able to handle it.

The fact was, Sayyam had accepted the truth a long time ago. He understood that Krishna had cancer, and that chances of survival were small. He knew that she might not be around for too long. But he continued to love her; he had already come to terms with reality; he had never been running from the truth. He didn’t love Krishna out of sympathy, or because she needed him, but because he simply loved her. He loved her for who she was and would always continue to love her, no matter what.

Sayyam leaned toward Krishna, clasping the chain around her neck, “you’re mine now,” he whispered into her ear, smiling mischievously.

“I was always yours,” she whispered back, winking playfully, “I’ll be yours forever.”

_____

Sayyam suddenly felt like he was drowning in all the memories, he felt so broken to the point that it physically hurt him. There was just one reassuring thought that stayed with him. He knew that a piece of her would always reside with him, in his heart; and he would always hold onto that, up until the moment he breathed his last.

_____

Sayyam stumbled out of the hospital, desperately searching for Krishna, when his eyes fell upon the silhouette of a petite figure sitting by the roses. Sayyam sighed internally, the fast-paced beating of his heart gradually slowing down.

He walked toward Krishna, shaking his head in annoyance and concern.

As he came up behind Krishna. He could hear her quietly naming the constellations which were present in the dusky sky.

“Orion, Delphinus, Hercules,” she mumbled under her breath, faintly pointing at the sky above her.

“Why are you naming the constellations?” He questioned her, his head tilted to the side.

“There’s not enough time to count the stars,” Krishna pouted slightly, looking up at him.

Sayyam frowned, a strange feeling creeping over him, “come on Krishna, let’s go back,” he urged her to go back inside the hospital with him.

“I don’t want to go back,” she whispered, looking down at the roses next to her.

“Krishna don’t be-”

“Please, don’t take me back, I want to spend some more time here, please,”

Sayyam reluctantly nodded and sat down next to her, while she smiled at him in a silent thanks.

Krishna closed her eyes in exhaustion and leaned against Sayyam for support, and he bit his lip, knowing it was time.

“You know Sayyam? The evening light makes the roses look so beautiful, it’s almost gone though; just a few rays of light are left. Krishna coughed lightly with fatigue and continued. “You know what the best part is though? As the night grows darker and darker, the stars get brighter and brighter. Never lose that light inside of you, okay Sayyam? Promise me you’ll never lose that fire in your soul.”

“I-I promise” Sayyam held Krishna closer to him.

Krishna then shifted against him, choosing to lay her head in his lap, “Sayyam, I’m tired,” she murmured, “Will you help me count the stars?”

_____

Sayyam sat motionless for a short while. Those words. Oh, how much they meant to him. How much she meant to him. Every time he closed his eyes, he would see her smiling face, and her eyes that were always had that spark in them. He could feel her presence even now, all around him, and he knew she was watching over him. She was keeping her promise. He had to keep his.

His lips curved up as he remembered how Krishna could never count the stars past the fiftieth one, then she’d always lose count. He decided to count the stars for her, like he told her he would.

Sayyam raised his hand to point at the star directly above him; it was the brightest one in the sky. And he began to count.

_____

“One, two, three…” Sayyam and Krishna counted the stars together; Sayyam guiding her hand, while Krishna rested against his chest, facing the dark cobalt sky.

Krishna struggled to take a deep breath, her hand faltering against Sayyam’s.

“Y-you can sleep i-if you want, it’s alright if you want to r-rest,” his lips quivered as he smiled reassuringly down at her.

“Can you kiss my cheek before I leave?” She glanced at him cutely.

Sayyam bent down over Krishna to place a feather-soft kiss on her cheek. “You know, we never really had a honeymoon,” he grinned cheekily, ignoring the way his heart was breaking with every arduous breath she took.

Krishna lightly smacked his arm, “Besharam!” (Shameless)

They both chuckled until their laughter died down, mingled with the chirping of the night crickets.

“Krishna, I need you to know; I’ll count the stars for you, because I know one of them will be you. And I’ll keep counting until my time comes. I love you.”

Krishna remained silent for a moment, before a somber expression took over her features. “Sayyam, I’m going to go up there now,” she breathed out, “so if you ever need me, just look up.”

Sayyam nodded, choking back a sob. Krishna smiled at him, one last time, taking her last breaths, her heart beating for the last few beats that would keep her alive. She finally closed her eyes, never to open them again.

And it hurt. It was then that it felt like something inside Sayyam had shattered, leaving him completely, utterly broken. He leaned over to kiss her one last time; to hold her one last time. He had this feeling inside him that he couldn’t get rid of. The pain was fresh; it felt like he was being stabbed every second he lived on without Krishna.

When he had returned home, his mother had given him a letter from Krishna, which she’d written a couple days before for him. He hesitantly accepted the piece of paper. On the front was written a single name, Sayyam.

Sayyam,

If I know you like I do, you’ll take this frustration out on someone else, or on the drinks at the bar. And you’ll make your pain last. You won’t get over it. You will keep it lingering in your heart and you won’t let go. But please Sayyam, do something for me. For yourself, your future, for me. Move on, just go and be free. Live every day in happiness. Don’t fall back into that darkness I’ve seen you go through before. And I know that I’m asking a lot from you.

There’s one last thing I want to tell you; I know that this won’t help you, or impact you like I wish it would, but there is one last thing I want you to know, and please, just believe I put all my heart into it:

I love you Sayyam.

-Yours, Krishna

_____

Sayyam stopped counting the stars for a while and pulled the letter out if his pocket; the edges were worn out because of the constant opening and refolding he’d done to it.

He stared at the fine print on the page in his hands, and for a second, Sayyam could’ve sworn he felt a gentle breeze caress his face. And he knew, that Krishna would always be there for him.

So he wouldn’t have to count the stars alone.

*****