Dil Boley WitchBazz (ChudailBaaz SpinOff)

(Dil Boley WitchBaaz! (Prequel to CB)

Introducing the epic SPINOFF PREQUEL to CHUDAILBAAZ, with some major Brahmarakshas and company in tow!
Also we have a few surprises: kuch thoda sa hatke from ChudailBaaz!
(Slightly different from CB).
Enjoy the read!

Bareilly Rakshas:
Kali Thakur [KT], springs up from the mandap (wedding altar) floor with a cat-like leap and removes the glass bottle out from his abs, the glass had almost bounced off the rock hard abs! Alas it managed to cause a teeny tiny fatal spine injury.
After 1 week recovery from his injury, KT’s doc comes to see him in Thakur Mahal [TM]-

Doc: It’s a miracle that you survived two near death experiences! A spear wound to your heart and a glass injury on your spine! Kya aap koi billi ho joh aap it ney khatarnak attacks se zinda ho jaate ho? (Are you a cat, that you are alive despite such fatal attacks?)
KT menacingly : Khamoshhhhh! Hum Billi nahin, Sher hain!
(You be quiet! I am not a cat, I am a lion.)
Doc: Waise aapkey bhai ATKT bhi Sher hain kya? Jo woh bach gaye talwar ki vaar se at the railway station?
(Is your brother ATKT a Lion too? That he survived the sword attack at the railway station?) Hint: The Obros fight with Tbros and gang!
Kali stares at the doc with murderous intentions…Doc Kali ke Hari psychotic ankhen dekhte hi 9 2 11 ho jatein hain.
(The doc gets scared looking at Kali’s green psychotic eyes and disappears in no time.)
************
Call from Mumbai Chudail.

Sutlu: KT mujhe tumse baat karni hai. (KT I need to talk to you.)
KT: Kaho meri purani bulbul, abhi bhi woh ajeeb…oops ajooba mask pehenke ghum rahi ho tum? (Tell me my old flame. Are you still wearing that farcical….oops magical mask?)
Sutlu: Of course don’t you know this is Stanley Ipkis’s mask and has secret powers, that’s why anytime I am thrown out of Oberoi Mansion (OM), I am able to reappear there!
KT, winces thinking of the Oberois: Kaho kaise yaad kiya?
(What made you call me?)
Sutlu: Omkara is married to this girl Gauri, who is from Bareilly, I want to know about her.
KT, angry at OmRi: Kya woh chiraiya phir se Bambai udd gayi.. woh hamesha Om ke pass kaise bhaag jati hai?
(What that little bird flew to Bombay? How does she always runs away to Om?)
Sutlu: Kya matlab hamesha?
(What do you mean by always?)

KT: Kya jaaney kya kaala jadoo janta hai Om. Joh tum aur Gauri Feb se…. cough cough Kab se… uske peeche peeche OM pahunch jate ho!
(I don’t know what magic Om knows! That both you and Gauri are after him since Feb…cough cough since when..and always end up at OM.)
Sutlu: Itna bada dhokha! Mere agreement ke pehle se hi Om shaadi shuda tha! Main use nahin chodungi!
(Such a big betrayal! Om was married even before we signed the agreement! I won’t let him off easily!)

Woh ankhein phad phad kar dekhti hai (She stares with round open eyes)… With such intensity that her fake eyelashes pop out of her eye lids.. Making her look like a Power Puff girl!
KT: Shant meri alternate bulbul! Tum yahan aa jao Bareilly aur hum kuch plan banate hain. (Calm down my alternate lover! You just come back to Bareilly and we can hatch some plan together.)
Sutlu: Main akele nahin aaoongi tumhare shaitani gufa mein!
(I will not come to your devil’s den by myself!)
[Aaja gufaon mein aaj—aaja gunah kar le–(Come enter my den– let’s sin together) music plays in the bg.]
Sutlu (thinking, You Kameena Tharki- horny creep!): Never! I don’t want to meet with you. Main yahin se Om ko sambhal loongi.
(I will handle Om from here).

KT angrily: You dare to challenge me! I will reveal your secret to the Oberoi’s and the real Swetlana’s family!
Sutlu: Ok, Ok calm down! Don’t you know, I am kadka, se bhi kadka..
(I am poorer than the poorest.)
That’s why I was so reluctant to leave OM despite these many months of insults.
(And the audience hate, sic!)
KT: Ok, I will send a train ticket for you and whoever is accompanying you. See you soon.

……………………..
Sutlu: Daksh bhai chalo humein Bareilly jaana hai aaj.
(Daksh bro, we have to go to Bareilly.)
KT sent me tickets for tonight for the two of us.
Daksh: No worries, I have a plan. We won’t need to use the tickets. Let’s just return it and get some pocket money from it. I have a secret Genie.
Sutlu: What Genie!
Daksh Calls Runveer: Come here at BAD LUCK CHAWL (BLC) ASAP Runveer! We need to go to Bareilly.

Before Sutlu can blink her Power Puff Eyes and say Runv….There he is in front of her.
Sutlu: Khotte da puttar! Tum yahan itni jaldi? Sach me Genie ho kya?
(Son of a gun! (Hint: Kaamini) How did you appear so soon? Are you a real live Genie?)
Daksh: Runveer mein Flash se bhi zyada speed hai
(Runveer is faster than the Flash!)
That’s why his name is Runveer- because he can bravely run fast from one city to another. How do you think he escaped from the Shivaay and Oberoi’s related police enquiries?
Runveer: Chalo mein dikhaata hoon.

(Wait and watch!)
He puts his right hand on Sutlu’s shoulder and left hand on Daksh’s shoulder and with one click of his red croc heels (For Oz fans), they arrive in Bareilly.

Sutlu Chakkarakar girne hi wali thi ki Runveer ne pakad liya.
(Sutlu is about to faint from dizziness, when Runveer catches her from falling)…
Eye-lock between them! (Dhoom machale Dhoom Machale Dhoom: Fireworks!)
But unfortunately Runveer couldn’t hold her for long. The weight of her dangling earrings were too much for gravity mata (mother gravity), that they both fell down in the gutter!
But never mind, don’t be too sorry for our Anti-heroes, with one click of crocs they were back on land.
………………….
At the TM: KT and his brothers AT and ATKT welcome our BLC Trio.

KT singing: Sutlu.. tum aa gaye ho.. noor aa gaya hai. Chalo mandap tayyar hai humare liye. (Sultlu, you are here, then light is here in my life…. Let’s go, the wedding altar is ready for us).
Come on, I want you to marry us, remember our deal if you don’t marry Tej, you have to marry me and my package deal of 1 pe 2 free?
Sutlu Shudders and tries to hide behind Daksh: Never, I will never marry you 3. What rubbish?! Who marries so many men at the same time?
(Thinks: If I ever get the chance, I want to marry someone, then divorce, then remarry someone else, turn by turn. That way I can get multiple opportunities for alimonies and be the world’s fastest billionaire!)

KT: Mahabharat ke jaise tum Panchali na sahi- Tridevi toh ban hi sakti ho!
(Well you know like Mahabharat- you won’t become Panchali (woman with 5 husbands), but you can be a Tridevi!)
After all now that Tej & Om have escaped from your grasp, you don’t have any other choice!

Sutlu: No ways, I have much better options in OM- Om aur Tej nahin miley toh kya?
(So what if Om and Tej are out of reach?)
There are still 3 other shikaar (targets) waiting for me in OM. Waisey… mujhe already entry mil gayi hai in OM! (And I have already gained an entry into OM again!)
[Dhagala laagi kala
paani them themb gala
jasa juvacha jeev ghuutmala
tasa pirticha vadhtaye bala

tujhya tondala tond majha mela
aga hai baghun dusman jala
Plays in the bg…..
(The clouds have parted
water is pouring drop by drop
in the same way that my life is entwined in yours
our love is gaining in strength
my lips are meeting yours
and that is making our enemy very jealous) ]..

KT: No, I can’t allow you to leave! TM mein parindo ko bhi hilne ki ijazat nahin!
(In TM not even a bird can fly without my permission.)
AT: B…but…bbh.. bhai Gauri chiraiya toh bhag gayi na TM se!
(B..but.. br..bro Gauri, escaped from here).
KT: Chupp jab dekho bakwas! Ek biwi toh nahin la paya, ab yeh 1/3rd biwi bhi tuh khona chahta hai kya?
(Shut up, you are always spouting nonsense! You haven’t been able to gain even 1 wife, and now you want to lose the possibility of 1/3rd wife).

Meanwhile Daksh and Runveer have been thinking their options…
Daksh: Kya mein apna potato sack wala trick phir se try karoon?
( Shall I try my potato sack trick, once again here?)
At least sis and Runveer will be able to disappear with Runveer’s speedy Croc Run.
Runveer thinking: Kya idea hai boss! Main soch raha tha kaise mein dono ke saath ek saath line maaroon? Sutlu aur Prinku ko kya justification doon?
(What a marvellous idea! I was wondering how I will be able to flirt and manage two women at the same time?)

Perfect solution from this KT!
Aaj se main Runveer nahin Baba Panchal Nath banoonga! 3 aur ladkiyon ko main chutki main stalk kar hi loonga…. to make my 5 wives club!
(From today on, I won’t be Runveer, I will be Baba Panchaal(5) Nath! I can easily stalk 3 more ladies, to make up my 5 wives club!)
Uh! I guess I need to save Sutlu then, if I want to begin my 5 wives abhiyaan (mission) today.
KT starts dragging Sutlu to the mandap!
[He has a mandap and pujari -always ready in the backyard, in-case one day his dream of a Tridevi wife will be fulfilled by Kali ma!]

Runveer runs into action with his Super Flash like Croc Powers, and ties up the 3 Thakurs necks in a noose and leaves them hanging over the wedding pyre er.. fire..
And he ties up the KT goons up in super Flash speed, as the Thakurs become roast meat!
While Daksh and Sutlu are relieved that didn’t have to tackle any of the goons or the Thakur Tridevs! They just chase the Panditji away!
Our terrible trio run out of the Tridev’s sight and then click back to Kapoor house in BLC!

But uh Oh! Right as they appear in front of the Kapoor’s chawl, a huge coconut drops from the coconut tree near their residence. And the coconut magically gets attracted Daksh’s coconut top!
And lo and behold there appears another coco-nutty bump right behind Daksh’s coconut top! Daksh faints and hits his head and a third coconut forms on his forehead!
When he wakes up, he has turned into the Dimag ka Dahi Daksh from our CB stories!
………………………………………………………………
Flashback: in case you missed our OM leads.

In Bareilly Hospital, after Gauri agrees to come back to OM, Om thinks- How do we get back before the pandit’s (priest’s) mantras are over? Already it’s been over 2 hours since I left OM.

Om calls up Ru: Ru you have to bribe our panditji for a few more hours of mantra paath (prayer chants). And ask the panditji to preoccupy the others with nonsense rituals.
Ru: O, what panditji?
O: Ru I was going to marry Botoxlana today.
Ru: O how can you do that? Doesn’t TSO (Tasteless Singh Oberoi) have first dibs on her?
O: Don’t worry I am not doing that, but I am in Bareilly with your Bhabhi (sis-in-law) so I want you to stall the pandit, until I can come home.
Ru: O tum toh bade shatir nikle!

(O, you turned out to be so ingenious!)
On the one hand you had Swetlana and Chulbul, tumhe bigaadne ke liye, par ye nayi character kab aa gayi aur mujhe pata bhi nahi chala?
(On the one hand you has Swetlana and Chulbul to turn you into a bad boy Oberoi! But when did this new character make an entry? And I didn’t even know about it!)
O: Shut up Rudra! I married Chulbul..oops Ga…
Ru: Matlab O! Tu sach mein bigad gaya??
(What O- have you seriously changed?)
[Ma da ladla bigad gaya playing in bg]

O: Poori baat toh Sunn.. (Let me finish first!)
Chulbul is Gauri….She is my wife….. But it will take me 2 hours to get to Mumbai, so please do something about the pandit.
Ru: Kya O! Tere paas desi Hari Puttar kis liye hai?
( What O! What’s the use of your having Indian Harry Potter there with you?)
Go ask him to do his magic. I mean ask her to do her magic!
O: Ru what nonsense!
Ru: You can find the details of your wife’s witchcraft Harry Potter magic from her! Toodles! I have lots of girls to flirt with today in college… since my wife has been AWOL! Insaan kidnapping ke pehle disappear hote hain. Par meri biwi kamaal ki hai.. woh kidnapping ke baad disappear hui hai..

(People usually disappear when they are kidnapped, but my unique wife disappeared after her kidnapping!)
Ru: Bye O! Happy disapparating!
And that’s how our OmRi diapparate back to OM in the nick of time- just as the panditji finishes his mantras!

PS: T Bros Notes
Alsi Thakur- Called AT, since their mother used to crave a ton of flaxseeds when she was pregnant with him- and he is too lazy to find himself a wife despite his middle age.
Amartyanand Kal Thakur – Called ATKT because he constantly fails his Engineering Exams. And for the past 10 years has been in college.
As for the fate of KT, AT and ATKT- aage aage dekhiye hota hai kya? (Wait and Watch!)

KT Death Count: 1st Bareilly Station ShivOm, 2nd Mandap Gauri, 3rd (again!) Mandap Runveer!

PRECAP: Ready to kill all our CHUDAILS AND BRAHMA RAKSHS??? Awaiting the next DEATH COUNT OF KT??
Introducing Bhavya… Rakshas, Chudail yaa kuch aur? (Is Bhavya a Demon, Witch or somethinh else?)
And our Desi Harry Potter may or may not appear depending on the author’s plot convenience!

Note from authors: We became a bit late in posting this- was supposed to be posted before Mahasangam week for Sultu, Runveer and KT spoofs! Major major THANK YOUS to Nilash and Vishakha for their comments and ideas for making this story so AWESOME!

And if Bela, Vishu and Nilu hadn’t created Chudailbaaz, DBW wouldn’t have happened. THANKS DARLINGS for the inspiration to make all the Ishqbazian/DBOan nightmares ROT and SUFFER!

Did you enjoy the magical surprise? Let us know in your comments! And who else you would like to see in this track?
Now, we better CLOCK BACK to Chudailbaaz 5!