Part 12:
He was busy in this self-torture when he heard a soft knock at his study door pulling him out of his painful thoughts. He ignored it as he didn’t want to face anyone right now and he was absolutely in no mood to end this self-inflicted torture because he was finding solace by giving himself pain, at least that way he was able to punish himself for the pain he inflicted on Chandni. There was a knock again on the door this time a little louder and impatient, he again ignored it gulping the whiskey and he was done with his second bottle, now took a third one. Now someone was banging at the door but he ignored it busy in consuming the whiskey, while cursing himself he let the blood flow from his wound hoping that he might die and all this pain, guilt and shame will end with his life. The banging came to an stop and few minutes later he heard a click like someone is opening the door-lock with a key and the door opened. He didn’t bother to look up, just continued with hurting himself.
(Note: Sorry guys couldn’t help as I love this song and found it perfect for Advay’s current situation. I hope you will like this song.)
Hurt by Johnny Cash
“I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything” Suddenly he felt someone moving closer to him and heard a gasp of horror “what have done to you? Are you mad? Look how badly your wound is bleeding and you are just sitting here” it was Chandni. She hurriedly took his wounded handed into hers to inspect as how deep the cut runs. He jolted his head to look at her and felt a dagger piercing his heart; he wanted to touch her angelic face but controlled the urge thinking that it might scare her off. “Do you have a first aid box and ice here?” Chandni asked him in a worried voice, he didn’t answer her just kept on looking at her. “Advay I need ice to stop the bleeding and first aid box to bandage your wound” Chandni shook him a little thinking that he might have gone into shock because of his injury.
“What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt” “What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you answering me?” this time she shook him by his shoulders, he turned away his face and tried to move his wounded hand away from her “Chandni please don’t show your concern for me, I don’t deserve it, I’m the same monster who ruined your life” he thought to himself but didn’t have the courage to utter these words aloud to her.
“I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here” Chandni held his wounded hand in hers firmly not letting him move it away “Advay what’s wrong with you? Have you gone mad? Your hand is badly injured and you are letting it be, why are you inflict pain upon yourself?” Chandni’s agitation was increasing with every passing moment, she was afraid that one day he might kill himself if he will keep on going like that. On the other side he was listening to every single word of hers and the pain in his heart was increasing dangerously, he thought that his heart might stop beating or might explode with this pain, the pain of his guilt.
“What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt” When he didn’t look at her and neither answered her Chandni let out a sigh and held his face only to turn it towards her “Advay I’m asking you something? Why are you doing this to yourself?” Chandni asked him again and the moment he looked into her eyes, she could see through his soul and got all the answer of her questions, there was immense pain in his eyes that she felt his pain in her heart too. “This man is going to kill himself and all those who love him out his guilt” Chandni thought to herself “wait am I worried about him?” she was shocked at her concern for him “no no, I’m just worried about Naani, she loves him a lot and won’t be able to bear it if something happens to him” she tried to convince herself that she wasn’t concerned about him.
“If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way” “Just stay here, till I come back okay” she told to stay there and went out of the study to bring some ice and first aid box to deal with his wound. “Why are you doing this Chandni? I don’t deserve to be cared for… why don’t you remember that I’m the same bastard who destroyed your life?” he thought painfully watching her tending to his wound. “Are you trying to patronize me? Advay Singh Raizada doesn’t need you sympathy?” he told Chandni trying his best to make her scared of him. Chandni was shocked at the sudden change in his stance and later she was full with anger rather than shock “Mr. Advay Singh Raizada I’m not at all like you, you are a heartless monster who can destroy anyone without caring about the consequences, but I’m still a human with a heart who cannot see even her worst enemy in pain, now I’m regretting my decision of coming here and tending to your wound, you don’t deserve it at all, I came here to apologize for my today morning’s behaviour but I’m glad that I didn’t get the chance to apologize, because you don’t deserve it” she shot a hateful look at him and went away. Advay was flinching inside at her words but he knew he had to do it “I’m sorry Chandni I had to do it, I’m a monster and don’t deserve your care, you need to hate me for I will find my solace in your love and I don’t deserve it” he told himself with eyes flooded with silent tears, with all this damage and breaking down he wasn’t able to stand on his feet, he slowly slid down against the wall of his study and kept on crying silently.