Part 16:
Chandni took hold of his injured hand to change its dressing without replying him yet she was feeling extreme heartache for his suffering, for him burning himself in this hell, for him hurting himself, she didn’t know why but she wanted him to stop with all this nonsense, but he was Advay Singh Raizada the most stubborn man on the face of this earth once he decided something he always made sure to get it done not caring about the consequences. “I told you to leave me alone, why don’t you do so?” he barked at her throwing an alarm clock to get her scared of him.
(Note: Guys another song, one of my favorites, that perfectly fits the current track of my story and explains Advay’s feelings please do listen to this song it’s awesome.)
Broken – Lifehouse
“The broken clock is a comfort
It lets me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you’ve already figured out” “Why don’t you just go from here and leave me on my own, why?” he asked her in a broken voice. “Just leave me alone Chandni, you don’t have to care for me, don’t forget that I’ve ruined your life” tears maybe of pain or maybe of guilt made their way out of his eyes drenching his handsome yet forlorn face. Chandni didn’t let go off his hand instead she tightened her grip on his arm so he couldn’t move his hand away from her; she untied the old bandage from his hand, opening the first aid kit she cleaned his wound with antiseptic solution carefully and gently.
“I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
Barely holding on to you” Advay was feeling helpless and miserable, he was looking at this girl with longing eyes, in his heart he longed for her care, for her forgiveness, he wished her to be the balm to his aching heart but he also needed her to get away from him, he was the reason for bringing pain to her life, he had crippled her self-esteem, shattered her life and destroyed her trust in others. He wanted himself to be deprived of love and care from everyone especially from her as a reprimand for destroying her life, but he was also feeling that if she leaves him he will die, he now needed her as he needed to breathe. “But isn’t it the justice that she leaves me and I die in agony and in pain,” he thought ruefully. “What kind of person are you Chandni? I have literally destroyed your life and here you are tending to my wounds, caring for me… Shouldn’t you just leave me here and don’t care whether I rot or die” he asked her in a tear-thickened voice.
“The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
Tried my best to be guarded
I’m an open book instead
I still see your reflection
Inside my eyes
That are looking for purpose
There still looking for life” “Advay I’m not so inhuman to let anyone go through pain and suffering when I’m capable of helping them, yes you ruined my life but now you are truly regretting doing it, you are not an evil person, you are not a monster if you were then you won’t be having any regrets” she told him in a calm and steady voice. “If you think that I’m not evil or a monster then you are mistaken Chandni, my whole life is filled with darkness, I’m a bad person to the core, it’s your innocence that you are not realizing what I really am,” he told her with a bitter smile on his face.
“I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on
(I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’)
I’m barely holding on to you” “Don’t think Advay, that I’m a naïve person or I don’t have the ability to judge a person, right now I can look through your soul, you are not a bad person, trust me” she told him softly while dressing his wounded hand into a new bandage. Advay was complete dumbstruck at the newfound goodness in her heart, deep down he wished to surround his life with Chandni’s goodness, she was the light for him in the darkness, she was a ray of hope for him in despair and she was the only good thing he needed right now in his life. But he was afraid to destroy her goodness with his evilness, he feared to demolish her light with his darkness and he was afraid to taint her trust with his mistrust.
“Hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I’m hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be OK
Broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven’t forgotten my way home” He suddenly felt an urge to touch her angelic face, to hide himself like a child from the cruel world in the shelter of her embrace, he was feeling peaceful with her, but he told himself that he doesn’t deserve that peace, he doesn’t deserve her care and forgiveness and she needs to see that. “Chandni don’t make yourself delusional about me, I’m a monster, an evil, and heartless monster, it won’t take a second for me to remind you of all the pain I had inflicted upon you that night” he hissed the words at her face grabbing her by her shoulders digging his fingers into her softness to make her feel the pain, to make her hate him, to make her see him as he sees himself.
“I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on
(I’m still holdin’ on), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’)
Barely holding on to you
I’m holding on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on
(I’m still holdin’ on), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’)
Barley holding on to you” This time Chandni didn’t flinch and neither got shocked rather she held his menacing eyes with her calm ones, now there was a soft smile forming on her angelic face. “Mr. Advay Singh Raizada you can try your best to shun me away from you, do everything that is in your power to break me or make me see you as what you are not, but it’s my promise to you that you won’t be successful,” she told him with utter confidence. “Now let me change the bandage on your head,” she said softly, ignorant of the truth that her goodness was slowly killing, pushing him deep into the pit of his own hell.