A/N: Don’t hit me after reading this.
As I jumped down from my seat to go to the washroom I found a paper. It was a normal paper but I don’t know why it looked special. I picked it and opened it.
Don’t know why but, I remember you a lot now a days.
So much that anyone with your name comes across I will try fixing your face to him
The time we spent brings tearful smile on my face
The time I realized my feelings for you was just a fragile one, it was less than a nano second
But the pain after that is equal to length of my life
We fought and stopped talking
That was when you realized that you cannot live without me
But I was late to decipher the feelings in your eyes and also in my heart
Just tears….. Just tears are left……..
As I read the whole poem I don’t know; I felt connected to the person emotionally. I glanced at the girl who was sleeping in the lower berth from whose book the paper might have fell. In that faint light also I could see the tear drop on her cheek; twinkling. I could feel she was remembering someone; someone very close to her heart. May be the person for whom she wrote those lines. I could faintly see the wrinkles on her forehead like she is in deep pain. I felt my hand moving to her without my knowledge. Then I remembered her death glare with which she was trying to kill me from the time I had boarded the train. And I dragged my hand back. I thought of returning her the paper in the morning.
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“Hey” I said as soon as I found her on her seat next morning. With her big heavy novel covering her half face and big glasses hiding the intensity of her death glare; she looked up at me and met my eyes. Gosh she was so dangerous. I wonder has she has ever smiled in her life. Looking at her intense face even my smile ran away from my face. “Wo actually this chit was fallen yesterday night. But you were sleeping. Is this yours?” I asked her in a go with nervousness growing inside me as her eyes pierced me. She immediately grabbed it like it was most precious thing of her life. Like she can even live without oxygen but not without it. I was taken a back due to her sudden reaction. I saw her keeping her book aside and looking at the paper like she has got her long lost kid. I looked at her confused. As I sat on my seat facing her I saw something heavenly. Her smile through her twinkling eyes may be through her tears. I felt good. I felt I gave her some kind of happiness. “Thank you” said she looking up at me and I saw her eyes welling up with tears. And her eyes were red like she was holding her emotions from a long time. She hugged it and closed her eyes. That calmness on her face was so blissful treat to watch. As she opened her eyes again she said “Thank you” as her voice cracked. I smiled at her hiding my confusion. I tried analyzing her expressions but I was confused. She smiled at me. OMG the girl who did not even slid the book aside looking at me is smiling at me. I wondered what such big favor I have done. I just gave her back the piece of paper.
“Can I ask you something?” I spoke hesitant. She nodded her head. Still the tears had not stopped. “For whom have you written those lines for?” I asked her gathering all my courage. I was ready for the consequences. What worst she might do? She will hit me that’s fine. What if she bytes me. Gosh what am I thinking. She won’t do it. What if she pushes me out of the train. I looked at her scared. And it looked like she can read my mind and she will surely do one of my own suggestion.
“Why should I tell you?” asked she. I sighed. Thank god she did not think of what I thought. Phew. She looked at me confused. I put my smile back on my face. “I was just curious. That’s okay I do understand you don’t want to open up with a stranger. So let us make a deal” I said. “What deal?” she asked glaring me. “See I don’t have any problem introducing myself but as you are hesitant. You can tell me any name you want. I promise I will not ask any further questions other than your story” I said. She started thinking. I just wished she agrees. I don’t know why I was being dragged to her story as I’m also an aspirant writer. She nodded her head positive. “Hi my name is Lakshya Maheshwari” I introduced myself forwarding my hand. “Ragika. Ragika Kapoor” said she as she thought a lot about a name for herself. I felt that name is close to her name. Usually people when faced such situation end up giving a rhyming name to the original name. I did not needed anything more than her story, not her name not even the name of the person for whom she had written it. I just wanted to know what made her to write it.
“So?” I asked her moving forward with the conversation.
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“Ragika. Please yar I’m sorry na” he roamed around me holding his ears. I twisted my lips and looked at him. “Please” said he holding his ears. “It has been a week that you did not speak to me” said he and I could sense his pain. But I brushed my thoughts. Whatever he did was unacceptable. He should understand. “Please tell me what should I do. I will do it. But please once talk to me yar. Please” he pleaded me as I was near my home gate before he moved to walk towards his home which was a mile away. I couldn’t see him like that more and gave up as I neared the door. “Ask sorry to Anisha tomorrow morning. If she forgives you I will talk” said I and I could sense his smile stretching over his lips. “Yess” I heard him screeching and running to his home. “Crazy” I said and headed inside the house nodding my head.
“I’m sorry Anisha. I shouldn’t have spoken so badly. I’m really sorry” I saw him standing in front of Anisha and pouting. She looked at me confused. “Are you really sorry?” asked I. “Ya” said he looking up at me. I signed Anisha to forgive as I could see his guilt on his face. She nodded her head looking at me and turned to him. “That’s okay” said she and he smiled widely looking at her. “Thank you thank you thank you” said he twirling her and I saw her widening her eyes horrified. “Relax” I told him as I stopped him and held Anisha. “Oh sorry” said he holding his ears. I could not understand his excitement. Was it because she forgave him or for as I started talking to him. It had been more than a week we spoke to each other. I have never seen him affected by a girl’s silence so much. Yes we were friends from first standard, but even Riya and Anisha were in our group. I have never seen him so desperate to talk to them after the fight with them. May be because I have never shown my anger to him till now. I was always calm and understanding in our group but when he insulted Anisha saying she always fails in all the subjects and only gets pass marks it broke my limit of tolerance. How can he insult Anisha who was our best friend; like that. I warned him and temporarily broke our friendship. In school it was common. But what I haven’t witnessed was his restlessness when I stopped talking to him.
And after that incident I could sense little little changes in his attitude towards me. As we were walking on the road he made me walk to his left and he himself near to the road to protect me. A wide smile on his face looking at me. I found him staring me many a times and it made me nervous. He used to wear green t-shirts as it was my favorite color and he used to really look weird. I was not understanding his behavior.
“No she will not come to your house. Ragu you will come to my home na today for studies” he asked me with puppy eyes. I looked at him confused. I nodded my head and gave a helpless look to Anisha and Riya. They chuckled and headed to their homes. As I walked with him to home Anisha’s words in the morning made my heart race.
“Who knows? he might have started liking you” said she as I shared my worries to her about his changed behavior. “Have you gone mad?” I screamed at her. “I was just kidding yar. Relax.” said she to console me. His feelings moving from friendship to next level made me shiver. I was confused to understand my best friend’s feelings. Such helpless moment. I should avoid these things. My board exams are near and I cannot think of anything now. I have to fulfill my Papa’s dream. I brushed my thoughts and walked with him.
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“Ragika….” he kept calling me when I ran to home wiping my tears. How could he mock me. I became a butt of joke in the school when he announced that I’m his girlfriend in front of so many students. I cried my heart out. I did not wanted to see his face. I just can’t.
I was lying on my bed in the evening to relax myself from the stress I was going through from afternoon. I was so happy that today was our last exam and I did really well. But he made it worse. I heard window cracking noise. I got up and approached the window. I saw a paper wrapped by a stone. I peeped out of the window but could not find anyone.
“Hey Ragu. I know you are pissed off due to me. I deserve it. I made such a blunder at school that too on our last day. Or better I say on my last day in this town. Yes Papa has got a transfer and we are moving to a new city very far from here. May be I will never meet you. Never ever. But I trust destiny if I could meet you someday I will surely want to express you how much I love you. What you are for me. How much your presence matters to me. I don’t know how will I live from today onward. As I cannot tease you, I cannot fight with you, I cannot roam behind you for an apology. Most important thing I cannot see you. I know this is not the age to fall in love in your point of view as your dream is to fulfill your Papa’s dream. But I cannot tell you why I fell in love with you but I realized I can’t live without you. But now I have to learn to live without you and I will learn it” I read it and tears roll down my cheeks. I was feeling pain an unspoken unexplained pain. I could not run to him. I could not stop him.
Days passed, years passed and decade passed but I never even got a glimpse of him. That day I realized how much even I loved him and only him. Every time I heard his name I used to try to match the person’s face with his face and every time I used to get disappointed
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I felt a hot tear rushing down my cheek and I wiped and looked at it shocked. “And I still love him. And this poem I wrote in his memory which have become part of my soul. He never left my heart and he will never” said she and wiped her tears. I took a deep breath to cool my burning face. I couldn’t understand my feelings. I wasn’t attracted to her but I felt her pain. A pain to wait for someone who may never return. Wait for those memories to replay which may never happen again. I couldn’t understand why was she wasting her life for a person who might have even forgotten her. “You think you will meet him?” I asked her. “I have no expectations as such” said she and I was blank. “What if he is already forgotten you and got a new partner. You know nobody will wait for so long? Except few” I asked her. She smiled. “I will think I never met him again” said she and looked outside the window inhaling the air to sooth her soul. I wanted to cheer her. “See I know I might sound crazy but I feel a emotional connection with you. So can we be friends?” I asked her forwarding my hand. She looked at it confused. After a minute she smiled and shook my hand. “So now that you trust me I have a function to attend will you accompany me. I’m really sick of these Indian traditions” I said expecting her to accept my proposal. She first hesitated. I know she cannot accept it so casually. Anyways she was in the town as a traveler so I offered the view of our beautiful palace where I was going to attend the function. “Okay fine” said she and I jumped in joy in my thoughts.
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“Swara weds Sanskar” she read the board outside the marriage hall. “Yup Sanskar my cousin” said I looking at her. I felt her face stiffening. As we walked inside I spotted Uttara di and approached her along with her. She wasn’t moving. I was dragging her holding her hand. “Uttu dee” she whispered when Uttara dee was caressing my cheek. Uttara dee widened her eyes shocked. I was unable to understand. Does she know Uttara dee. “Ragini” said she and I saw tears flowing from her eyes. And I looked at them blank.
“Ragini” said Sanskar when I asked him the reason for his silence from the time they shifted to our hometown. “She was really special Lucky. I never felt that way with anyone. She always made my heart beat raise. I love her and always will love her” said he and I burst out laughing. “What’s so funny?” asked he glaring me. “I mean she might have even forgotten you by now” said I casually. “Might be and might not be” said he. “What if you will never meet her?” I asked. “I will think it as destiny” he said smiling. “What if she is engaged to someone” asked I for which I could see his eyes welling up. “I will think we never met again” said he.
“Where were you? Do you know there was no place where Sanky did not search you”said Uttara dee which brought me to present. “After Papa’s death we have to move to Nani’s place” said she.
“Every corner of this city reminds me of her Lucky” said Sanskar as we walked on the streets when he was showing me his home town as he returned after a decade searching for Ragini. But he could not trace her and headed back sad.
“Come let me tell this to Sanskar he will be so happy”said Uttara dee dragging her. As we turned we saw Sanskar filling bride’s hairline with Sindhoor and she stopped Uttara dee holding her hand. “It’s all over dee.” said she as a tear fell from her eye. She turned other side to hide it and wiped. She held Uttara dee’s hand and placed it on her head and said “Promise on me you will not reveal this to him”. “But” said Uttara dee. She controlled her tears and said “Please”. Her pain was something which can make you feel it. She had that aura. Uttara dee nodded her head painfully looking at her and hugged her.
“Hey Lucky” said Sanskar approaching us with his newly wedded wife Swara who was Chachi’s choice whom Sanskar has to marry to fulfill her last wish. I looked at Ragika I mean Ragini and then at Sanskar. “She is your guest?” asked he pointing at her. Uttara dee approached him excited and was about to blurt out “Rag..” but was stopped by Ragini who said “Ragika… Ragika Kapoor” and shook hand with Swara who smiled at her. Then her gaze moved to Sanskar and he forwarded his hand for a handshake. She stretched her lips forcefully for a smile. When their palms met I could see a shock in Sanskar’s eyes like something he had discovered so late. A kind of confusion. She moved from there with Uttara dee as she could not control her emotions anymore. I smiled at Sanskar who was looking at his palm blank and I followed them.
“Why didn’t you let me tell him?” asked Uttara dee. “And break him into pieces saying he betrayed his feelings and emotions. Feelings which were unexpressed and emotions which were never felt? Dee think about his wife whom he has started to accept how will she feel. I can’t give him this dee for the love he showered me with. Anyways we aren’t meant for each other. Let him stay happy. I don’t want him to regret of not waiting for a day Please dee” she pleaded Uttara dee. I could understand she is already going through that pain of losing him and she did not wanted him to feel the same pain. I was blank. I was totally blank.
The music started playing for the reception which was after the marriage. Sanskar and Swara stood on the stage and started getting blessings from the guests
Tu aata hai seene me jab jab saanse leti hu.
Ragini walked with Uttara dee as her eyes fell on him
Kaun tujhe Yun pyar karega jaise mai karti hu
When his eyes moved to her she used to avoid the eye contact.
“Hey” said I when I spotted her near the door. I could feel Sanskar’s gaze on us. “Finally the face matched the name” said she smiling. I felt her pain. I was not finding a reply. “I won’t ask you the same question what Uttara dee asked but I want to say one thing that is move on” said I and smiled. That’s all I could say her. I can’t even imagine myself in her place. That pain I cannot describe. “I never stopped” said she and smiled. I know some people never can think of second person in their life as they cannot give that place to someone else. And she was one of them. As she was walking I couldn’t resist and spoke “Can I have your number” She stopped her steps but did not turn. “You said you will not ask me anything else” said she and I understood she wanted to go away from Sanskar so far that even her shadow should not fall on him for his own good. Some times you have to think what is good for the situation than for yourself. And she did that and I’m so happy I met her today. She gave me a new dimension to look at love, the emotion which never amazed me but her love amazed me. Her love was like a pole star which guided everyone though it was all alone. She was “self contained”
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As Laksh closed his dairy and turned he saw Sanskar standing behind him and was shocked. “Sanskar what are you doing here?” asked he. “Laksh I just had a doubt. Was that girl’s name Ragika only?” asked he shocking Laksh. “Yes Sanskar. Why are you asking such a weird question” said he trying to cover up. “I don’t know Laksh I felt the same way like I used to feel around Ragini. I know I’m sounding crazy but” said he confused and pulled his hair. Laksh held his shoulders to console him and spoke “Sanskar. You are just over thinking. Now you are married to Swara. You have certain responsibilities towards her. When you have accepted destiny then why do want to think about all these. And her name is Ragika only nothing else” Sanskar left a lump of breath and nodded his head. And walked from there.
Laksh looked up and said “They loved each other so madly. Why you make love so complicated? I know we cannot get always what we want but this love story you could have completed. Really understanding you and your plans is hell difficult. Anyways keep her happy”