Hey, this is Maggi
Remember?
I know , I have come here after ages
Very sorry for that and I have thought to br regular from now on.
For those who don’t know me, I write,
If you want to read anyone of them ,head on to my profile
I was writing this os for so long, here it is finally.
Its very long…
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
You are that shade of my painting
I took hours to finish
You’re that rare piece for a painter
Being adored all your life, for the way you turned out
But for me, you’re the only painting, the only shade
I’ve adored from a distance ,just for existing
Love is a circle: A Twinj OS
“Their is always happiness around the corner. All you need to do is clear your mind so that your sense receptors can no longer go living pathetic and remorseful scenes in your head which is never gonna happen, not in a million years.
Well talking about after million years, I can’t guarantee you that” said Twinkle winding up the session as the bell rang.
The students smiled at her last words and packing their bags in a jiffy, they were out of the room, not before bidding their life skills teacher.
Twinkle collected her belongings , cleaned the board where human brains different antics were drawn comically.
” My drawing skills is fanning the ground for years, I’m glad my unskilled drawing serves the purpose” she thought on her way to the staffroom
– – – – – – – – – – – –
” So you mean , we strain ourselves more than the situation demands?” Asked Kunj shifting in the couch to face her
“Na
Situations only demand attention . The effect of that attention it seeks from us causes stress ” said Twinkle, sitting beside him sipping her coffee slowly.
Every bit of it intoxicating her mind like it always does. But she doesn’t complain.
“That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt” she quoted the famous lines of John Green, an author she admired deeply.
“Its confusing yaar” he said walking upto the kitchen making another cup of coffee for himself.
Two cups down his throat had managed to work only for some time but now he knew any amount of coffee can never make him understand what Twinkle was explaining
“Geez she is confusing and her words are beyond my reach” he thought nodding his head to dismiss the confusions that were slowly seeping in his blood just like caffeine does. Yay the brain is culprit but equally the heart is.
More importantly her brain is. She can understand how deep emotions can be but she fails to understand that my heart screams for her presence.
How will I make her understand that?, he thought
Twinkle walked upto him sitting by the counter,
“What are you gonna talk about in your seminar if you are giving up so early?
Remember the talk is about human brain!
Not about its morphology (study of external features) or anatomy (study of internal structure) its about the the physiology of brain and role of thoughts ” Twinkle reminded him flapping her fingers in the air.
He smiled at her antics. Twinkle never learnt to cut short her dialogues unless she is quoting , and he is habituated to this, probably by now anyone else would have fallen asleep or would go on to tear their own hair out.
Mind you, she can make you feel that way at times
And he is the living example for that!
Kunj looked at her, she gave him a tight smile,
“Physiology isnt that tough” she said
“But love is ” she murmured
Twinkle’s POV:
Do you think I’m gonna tell you how difficult it is to lament over something? No way.
Initially I did that.
One day in the chills of rain I did realize, lamenting can never bring me close to what I want.
It can only push me to the doors of negativity and the dark I’m cursing ,may well become my home without me even realizing it.
Conscious is something you should be. Their is no alternate for it. Its this or its nothing
And I’m conscious of his feelings. He wants me to see it and I do
He wants me to feel it but I’m too messed up in my own pool of emotions not understanding which way I’m sailing.
Its easy to understand emotions and talk about them but love is deeper than it seems , heavier than it feels and lot beautiful than one can imagine.
But what about the fear? The fear to accept it only to see it breaking one day?
I have been in it once. And I’m not strong enough to carry on myself if it knocks me down again.
Hence I’m careful ,acting oblivious to his feeling.
It hurts me to do so but I’m not seeing any other way out.
No, I don’t doubt him.I have known him for years now and I know he is one of a gem .
What I’m doubtful is if I can hold on to him like forever?
That scares the hell out of me.
Forever can vary in pertext.
For ‘forever to be infinity’ am I too week for that long?
or Is it gonna work for that long?
Most importantly is love worth a Forever?
Am I worth it?
Kunj slightly gave a push to my left shoulder and I tripped a bit as I knitted my eyebrows in confusion .
“Lost it Romeo?” I asked amused
“Yeah. All in you Juliet” he said dramatically placing his palms over his chest.
Cheesy!
“Ahh…what about seminar? I will ditch you ” I said smirking
” Just try holding on for once, and I will never give you chance to point out ” he said and madly laughed over my state.
“Lady Madona can you help your friend here, the seminar dear” he clarified munching on an apple and dramatically collapsed as if the apple was poisoned.
Have I ever said you , he would make a brilliant actor?
This guy has overflowing talents but all used in dramatic sense.
His bad!
And I’m his favorite audience.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Kunj’s POV:
Sitting on the terrace, I felt trapped under the lit sky
Seems like the stars are gazing at me,
Ahh I’m high I think , I forgot its the other away around!
But who knows, what if it’s actually the stars staring at me? Possible right?
My head wasn’t spinning , I wasn’t that high indeed.
But the thoughts sure made my heart race like a roller coaster.
Confusing!
Just like her
Every little thing has to halt right at her thought. If she isn’t the beginning ,then she was the end .
“Confess it bro” I heard Yuvraj hopping over the edge on the terrace
“I can see it Yuvi, she knows it but she isn’t acknowledging ” I said.
“Look either she loves you or she doesn’t ,she has to figure out that. She can’t keep you in dark for this long” Yuvi said
I wouldn’t be blame him. Watching me confused over a long time, his mind is spinning too.
Only if she could understand
“She has to atleast give a try” Yuvi added patting my shoulders
“She is too scared Yuvi” I said meekly
“Love is always strength Kunj. She need to take a stand. She can’t continue acting unknown to your feelings and go on hurting herself too” Yuvi said
Yuvi was right on his stand just like me, but Twinkle is smart to know what’s right to be done.
Huh…Even this state I just can’t stop admiring her.
Only if she knew
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Kunj’s POV:
“Probably I would talk about love than about role of thoughts
Probably I would talk about you than I would about love
Probably I would talk about us than I would about you”
I sighed at my own thoughts.
I had neither answers nor clarifications to my growing confusion. But she had and chose not to put a full stop to it. Yet
And under any given circumstances I would choose her.
And thus I chose her over the growing insecurities of my mind
Over the screaming pain of my heart
Over my chaotic mind
Over my unclear future
Over me I chose her
“And I will always do that” I murmured to myself.
“You will always do what?” I heard a voice asking me. I didn’t have to turn around to see who it was.
My favorite life skills teacher.
“I heard that these days life skills teacher sucks. And I wouldn’t have agreed more” I replied still facing my back to her.
Smiling at the walls before me.
“Ahh.. Says who?” She asked walking over to my closet and placed my dress for the evening.
The day of seminar was finally here.
And all that my mind was occupied was with her.
“Twinkle, who in their right mind asks for a Biology professor to give a seminar about the emotional aspects of brain?
About its structure and function I can talk for hours, but this thing they are asking me for is close to counseling.
Too bad.
You know I should have recommend you for this.
Suits you perfectly” I said trying to reason how wrong it was for me to talk about a topic completely off from my field of expertise.
I can’t play with someone’s brain. I can’t put what I want in there mind and eliminate what’s not important.
Only Twinkle can.
But not just with brain but with my heart too
“Fortunately or not, its you who have to give the seminar today . So ditch the negative thoughts and hugs and kisses for today’s important notes.
Show everyone you are meant to be a multitalented fellow with zoning out problems” she shrieked before me.
“Geez…
Says the one who holds patent for zoning out when I talk” I shook my mind trying to make my point.
“Uff you are such a boredom Kunj.
You really are” she replied sitting beside me on the soft mattress.
I just hummed.
My head felt heavy all of a sudden.
Was it the weight of my confusing state of mind or the last night conversation with Yuvi?
Or was it the lady beside?
I really didn’t know.
I felt dizzy and tired.
Her thoughts had kept me busy the whole day , they had worn me out
Just like the lady’s unacknowledging my feelings had
“Why are you so tough on me?” My voice came out defeated.
From the corner of my eyes I could see her intensely gazing at me.
She closed her eyes to formulate her next answer , trying to suck in as much air possible , trying to calm her senses.
Her silence was killing me now.
“Why can’t I and YOU just work out? Why are you so against the idea of US?” I asked.
This was the first time I had opened up on how I felt about her. I felt my head would explode any moment now. I needed her answer.
– – – – – – – – – – – – –
Standing on the stage that evening, I looked at the enormous turn out
It always felt good to address all classes of age under one roof.
Today’s programme wasn’t from the school , it was by an NGO .
But my heart swelled in happiness when I spooted my colleagues and students.
Its always good to have people whom you know on the occasions like this.
I rubbed my hands in anticipation and before I could even realize what I was doing I had started talking and more dangerously I had everyone’s undivided attention.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Twinkle’s POV:
I was seated in the third row and like I had guessed just within the seconds , Kunj had made his point , he was going at it like a pro and soon I got zoned out.
He was right .
I get zonned out when he talks because its too hard not fall in love with him when he gives me hundred reasons to do so.
To put up a pretentious act of assuming his feelings as a warmth of only a friend.
Only a friend?
From beginning we both knew we were always a little more than a friend.
And that had caused trouble.
Real trouble
My mind racing back to a painful stance of my past. Its said “Always make peace with your past” but I didn’t paid heed to any warnings.
Call me stubborn. Idiot.
Trust me, feelings are not something lying on the surface so that it could be wiped off in one swipe
They are far rooted and when you want to get rid of them its painful.
“That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt”
Aashish, me and Kunj used to be college friends. Not the best of friends ,good friends could be the term that fit profanely.
Everything was going fine until I decided to mess up things forever
And then I had this thing for Ashish, the one of a topper of our college, he was basically the opposite definition of nerd.
And then I don’t know how that happened but Kunj confronted me about the same. And since there was no point hiding my feelings I told him the truth. And even then things went normally like it had, the past two years.
After a month, Aashish proposed me and soon we were the hit couple of our campus.
I really didn’t mind about the constant stares I got. That’s was what people did anyway.
So I sidelined it. But something I didn’t realise was that I slowly got magnatised to my own love world, that I forgot I had another person too.
Kunj. I had sidelined him .
He didn’t ask me why and I did the mistake of thinking he respected our privacy or may be somewhere in being with Aashish all the time I never realized I was growing out off my friends circles that included Kunj
I had sidelined all of them . And I hadn’t even realized it.
That’s the thing about love.
It can do things like that and until the very last moment you won’t be aware of your doings
Hurting more than one person.
Then I had a long distance relationship with Aashish. Slowly everything we had was loosing its charm.
I was frustrated. I never wanted anything I had with Aashish to end.
I was desperately trying to hold on to what ever was left.
Kunj was in the same city as me. He knew my state and hence I felt more vulnerable.
I hated it.
I wanted to get back with Aashish and to share the same bonding I had with him all over again. But what I hadn’t seen coming was my desperate measures to keep us going was in vain
Things had fallen apart already.
Against constant suggestions from Kunj ,I didn’t pay heed to what he had to say
Because he was so hell bent on showing me the truth . The same truth I knew too, but turned a deaf ear.
I wanted to believe everything was going fine and when Kunj tried to show me the truth I lashed at him.
Only after a day Ashish made it clear that we weren’t working anymore.
Phew he broke up.
He broke up with me.
And then yet again Kunj turned to me when I couldn’t hold myself.
He was there to catch me when I tripped.
The one I had lashed out for showing me the truth just because I wanted to believe the fairy tale that came with no expiry date and soundless breaking of hearts ,was the one who still was my friend , the one who was my well wisher from the start and was there right before my eyes lending me a shoulder to cry as well as a helping hand.
Ashish was my first love.
And first love is tend to hurt.
But as time flew what hurt me most was guilt.
Of what I had done to Kunj and in return what he was doing for me.
The pang of guilt and the painful memories of first love, that combination is evidence of my indifference to Kunj’s feelings.
I know I’m pathetic to do this to him. But I’m too pathetic to gather myself and take a chance.
I have gone through love once.
And I don’t want to see myself in the same state yet again. I know Kunj won’t do that to me.
But the fear the first time has put me in, is too strong to br washed out this easily.
Too strong to get rid off in a single attempt.
And I’m too weak to accept the reality. Just like I had done years ago.
But then it was about the truth that Aashish and me were not working anymore
And now its about a completely different truth.
My feelings for Kunj
They are growing strong each day
– – – – – – – – – – – – –
“Twinkle” I said knocking on her house main door for the third time but it didn’t follow her opening the door.
Realizing it wasn’t locked, I pushed it sightly , enough space for me to squeez in and closed the door behind me.
Since yesterday I couldn’t find her the minute I finished my seminar, I probably thought she had something urgent to attend as soon as I had received a text from her saying , “I gotta go. See you later ”
I didn’t dwell on the reason but when this morning both my text messages and calls went unanswered , worry crept in me as slowly as a color blendes into another .
Unable to focus on anything else I drove here only to find the door unlocked and Twinkle no where to be seen.
The maid rushed in meeting me at the stair case. She asked me to wait as Twinkle had gone for grocery shopping.
That was out of her routine.
I thought she would still be in deep sleep.
But seems she had woken up early this morning and had taken walk by the country lake.
Now that was unusual too.
I picked up the fashion magazine once I settled on the sofa. Flipping over the pages was how I passed time
How I hate waiting.
My eyelids were heavy, the last evening had got me tired
Well that’s all I remember thinking.
Because when I woke up I was laying on the couch.And I was still at her house. But why was I sleeping?
The wall clock read 10 am
God. I had dozed off…prolonged nap
Before could think of calling for Twinkle, she showed up.
But surprisingly Yuvi followed her.
What was he doing here?
“Hope he hasn’t confronted her about anything” I thought rubbing sleep off my eyes. And if he has , then he has just opened the bypass road to the hell
I squinted my eyes at him.
“Kunj, stop doing that” I heard her telling me.
Her eyes intriguing studying me and now mine on her.
You and Me , perfect disaster
“I had dozed off?” I wanted to confirm. Stupid I know. But I get blanked out as soon as I wake up.
“Yeah, while waiting for me you ended up resting your hyper active brain” She added with a smile before disappearing into the narrow passage she came from.
Now that left me with Yuvi, looking as if he had won the Wibeldom five in a row and posing with a knowing smile.
Absolutely the kinds I hate
“Hope you haven’t attempted anything stupid” I said leaning on to the couch still very tired
Nothing can beat the peaceful night sleep.
He walked towards me humming and sat beside me patting my shoulder.
Now Yuvi being chilled, calm and that playfulness in his eyes!
Well now this doesn’t look too promising.
May be he has just prepared to roll me off the cliff.
Terrible fall , that’s all he is extremely good at and that is why it scares the hell out of me.
Regaining my composure and trying to shut my over working neuro cells with a tender smile I began.
“What brings you here at this hour? All good?” I asked
“Yeah . Pretty much, except for the sucked up life of ours everything looks up” he replied casually.
“You meant?” I posed the question.
“Oh ,let me correct it. Everything is great and your day is gonna be too” he said and walked to the main door whistling ,exiting just before that he winked at me and yelling about how he had some business to attend.
Now I was sure, something is not right.
How f**ked up my life is?
Let’s not answer that
I freshened up in her house , not wanting to go home before talking to her and trying to look presentable . Matting my hair, trying my best not to look like a dying rat with hardly any sleep.
It wouldn’t be wrong if I said I was nervous.
I went straight up to the terrace, its my favorite part of the house.
I heard footsteps behind me, I knew she was behind me.
Once I reached the top, I came to halt.
I could sense the growing uneasiness in the air.
Was it because of Yuvi’s behaviour or the morning nap? I donno.
Twinkle tapped on my shoulder, passing me a mug of coffee,
“You look tired” she said, slowly sipping from her mug.
“Yeah sort of” I replied lost in my thoughts.
“Did Yuvi talked to you about anything?” I asked trying not to emphasis on it
“We talked about a few things” she replied camly.
The coffee was not working.I could feel my blood being pumped in out of my blood vessels.It was becoming difficult to think positive .
Moreover I needed her answer.
The one I had asked last night.
The one she didn’t answer yesterday.
My mind went back to that moment last night.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
“Why can’t I and YOU just work out? Why are you so against the idea of US?” I asked.
This was the first time I had opened up on how I felt about her. I felt my head would explode any moment now. I needed her answer.
My head was hung low
I waited for her answer but there was only the deafening silence.
The silence I had grown tired of
I felt her tapping my shoulder.
“Its not you , its me” she said. Her voice was surprisingly calm, like she knew what she was talking.
“You gotta address the audience now.
YOU and ME can wait” she said, slowly bringing me to my feet.
“Put your best smile on.
Of all the things you are, your friendliness is an x-factor. The rest will know it tonight”
She said and the rest of the night went as planned, just like I had thought.
But I couldn’t meet her. I wanted my answer.
Me and her, couldn’t wait anymore
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
“You and me could only wait for the night to fall” I began.
She remained silent
“I donno what Yuvi has said you and I’m sure he has said you something, all I want is you to know that I have always rooted for us, and I always will.
Even if it turned out bad, I will handle it. I will mend it. But for that it has to start somewhere, somehow.
Is it so wrong to wish to be with you just like this morning coffee you made?” I paused.
She turned towards me.
“You are making my morning coffee everyday. At least whenever possible” she said
I couldn’t hide the smile.
She is such an actor
“Then why did you prepare it today?” I couldn’t help but ask
“To celebrate US.
Since you were busy napping and having your girlfriend running around for vegies . someone had to do it na
Either you or me” she replied taking the mug from me.
I didn’t miss that glint in those eyes.
“There was never you and me. It has always been us.
I just took a little longer to realise it” she replied, kissing on my cheek and started climbing down the stairs.
I never felt the morning so beautiful.
“Just so that you know, if that kiss was on my lips, I wouldn’t mind” I yelled and ran down the stairs to keep up with her pace.
She just laughed at me ,hitting my arms.
I put my arms around her , “By the way ,what it Yuvi say?” I asked fishing for the answer.
She gave me that taunting look.
“You want a kiss or the answer?” She asked
“I…” She cut me off capturing my lips with hers
Why ask when you have no patience to know the answer?, thought Kunj
Why wait when you know the answer?, thought Twinkle
But what did Yuvi say to Twinkle?
“Of all the broken people he chose to heal you.
Give him a chance and give yourself a chance.
Everyone deserves a second chance at love.”
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
That was looooooong
I hope you liked it.
Leave your comments below.
I would love to read them.
I’m working on the next episode of twinj ff.
And yeah even the few slots on twinj
I’m gonna post them in a day or two
Until next post
Stay happy, stay creative
Love