Huh! Finally I managed to complete this. My apologies for being late. This one is hell long… Like very very long… But please do read it.. After all its the last chapter… I won’t do much blabbering now.. I will post an acknowledgement for that soon..
p.S- this one is quite unedited.
So.. For one final time.. Here comes..
CHAPTER-20
And its my graduation tomorrow. After that, I say goodbye to this place. Strange, how time passed so quickly yet there are millions of moments stored in my mind right now. It was like a quick rollercoaster ride. Fun but a bit scary at times when the turns came. There were unmeasurable heights but then there were moments when the ride came crashing down and you felt like you would die, but just at the last moment, you found your track and the journey went on. It still does. How queer it is that life can be compared to a rollercoaster ride. But it is what it is.
So yeah its graduation tomorrow and I have had that irresistible urge to talk to Mr. Malhotra. I know that it won’t be of any good but still I want to talk to him. There are a few face to face kind of questions and confessions I would like to do.
Just to catch his reaction you know. That immediate expression which comes on his face.
You know what? I even told him to meet me because I had to talk about something important and he agree also. I had finally agreed to tell him about my dreams. I was just so much tired with that burden over my head, that I wanted to tell it someone and since he was the only person I could tell to, I decided to talk to him. Imagine if I go to someone and tell, ” Hey you know? I have been having same dreams for the past one year.”
I would definitely be advised counselling or something of that sort. I had debated two months you know? Whether to tell him or not. Finally when the day came, an important work came up and after that I changed my mind.
Now that I am with my thoughts, I wonder what would have happened, if I had told him? It certainly would be very awkward from my side. But what would be his reaction?
But isn’t that what the story is all about?
What goes on in Shravan Malhotra’s mind?
Anyway, so here I am, near the lake for the one final time. Huh. I will definitely miss this place. It carries so many sweet-bitter memories. The view is as beautiful as ever but I don’t know why, maybe I am hallucinating, but everything seems a but dull. Its like, everything is broken and you know sad. I am definitely hallucinating. Huh.
And its just tomorrow, and my story ends!
Well a part of it does.
So are you still expecting, that I will run into his arms and confess all my feelings and he would cup my face and kiss my forehead and tell me that its okay and we would live happily ever after?
If you are, well then you would be disappointed.
Expectations ruin everything anyway.
The feelings!
You want to know what the truth is?
I do not love him.
I love what remains of him in my head.
I don’t know what he is now, but he is certainly not the man I loved or love.
Its like I have sketched up a character and its all fiction. But that’s actually the ‘him’ I have created inside my head with the help of the moments we shared. If somebody will point at him now and ask me, ” Do you love that man?”
Then my answer would be a ‘No’ because I don’t know that man. He is a stranger to me now.
Love happens not when you just look at the person and say how beautiful he or she is. It happens the moment, when you look into their eyes and you can find everything you have ever searched for.
So, how can I love a person who doesn’t wish to meet my eyes? How can I read those eyes, when they refuse to meet my gaze?
Yes, Shravan will always be one of the most special person in my life because I have had many of my ‘firsts’ with him. If he ever needs me genuinely, I will always come running to him. If he ever forgets his way out of darkness, I will always be there to bring him out if he he wants me too. But.
There’s always a but isn’t it?
But I won’t and can’t walk holding his hand throughout. I can’t intertwine my fingers in his and stare into his lovely brown eyes and lead the way for him. Because our destinations are not the same. So the place I would be leading him to, would be where I wish to go but it won’t be his wish. Opposites attract. Its a famous saying isn’t it? But what happens when the magnets are placed far away from each other? There needs to be some closeness for them to stick together. The walls need to be put down for the distances to close.
But between me and him, the walls will never break. Although, we may love each other and how much ever we wish to be together,if the walls don’t break then it won’t be possible.
Oh its late, I realise it now. The sky has turned dark and amidst the darkness, a ray of silver light paves its way out. Its the moon. So close, yet so far. Huh. Let’s go.
Its bed time and for one last time, my room would be the only witness to my emotions.
I lay in my bed. I think of the future.
I would be a lawyer soon. I know you must be thinking, where did this come from? I always wanted to be an artist right? I still am, though I don’t paint and draw much but still whenever I get time I do. Law was never my first choice but definitely my second and mom and dad wanted me to do something secure and reliable. So here I am. I had all the subjects of law from the beginning. But I chose to take painting and drawing as extras. But my plan of doing freelancing hasn’t changed a bit. I want to experiment with different things in my life. I don’t know how my life as a corporate lawyer would turn up but they pay lots of money I guess? And I think a chuckle escapes my mouth.
So the thing is, I am both nervous and excited about my life outside college. I have got my placement, its a good firm.
Everything sounds good and fine. But I know that it isn’t going to be as easy as I expect. But it would be change and it can’t be stopped.
So many thoughts, that my mind is starting to get tired. Sleep is finally creeping its way to my body.
The last thought which crosses my mind before I fall asleep is that tomorrow, I leave everything behind. Everything.
So finally the day has arrived. I sit up in my bed and move my hands through my messy brown hair. I find my clip on the table and pin up my hair. After I put on my spects, I jump out of the bed and start getting ready.
So after one hour, I am finally ready in my graduation robes. The feeling is so surreal that I just can’t express. The time is 9:47 am. The ceremony starts in 13 minutes. I lock everything up and make my way to the auditorium. At first glance, all I can see is black but then I look around and manage to see everyone. I see my mom and dad waving at me happily. I find Shravan too, in robes that are quite similar to mine. He is already looking in my direction. I give him a small smile and he returns it back. It feels to good to see that smile. I raise my hand and give him a thumbs up and he returns it back too.
I find my place in the queue and the ceremony begins. One by one the names are called.
Sanaya Mehra.
Sara Zafar.
Samira Irani.
Simran Singhania.
And my heartbeats pick up speed and everything starts spinning around. I find it difficult to hold my balance on this ground. But finally,
SUMAN KASHYAP.
And its my turn at last. I take one final look around and move towards the centre stage. Our headmaster is standing with a smile on his face and my degree in his hand. The sound of clapping starts echoing in my head. I manage to bring myself to stand at the place I am suppose to be standing.
” Congratulations Suman! You are definitely one of the best students we have had. God bless you.” The sound of my headmaster’s voice brings me out of my dreams and thoughts.
” Thank you so much sir. It has been a great journey.” I reply smilingly.
My degree is handed over to me and some photos are clicked. I steal a glance of mom and dad. They look extremely proud and happy of course. Dad is clicking pictures while mom is completely focused on the actual ceremony. I even try to find Shravan in the crowd and I do find him. He is also smiling and clapping. For a moment I think that I have got my old Shravan back but then reality hits me. He turns his face away and gets busy with his ‘friends’. Huh.
So its finally time to leave this place. I have locked my room and handed over the keys already. So there’s one final thing left.
I have written the mail but for him to read it, he should be able to access his account right?
I search in the crowd for the ‘Man of my dreams’.
I find it. So here I go for the one final time.
” Hey Shravan. ” I tap him on his shoulder and smile at him.
” Congrats!” I continue.
” Yeah. To you too.” He replies.
” So…” I trail off.
” So?” He raises his eyebrows and gives that typical expression.
” Goodbye Shravan. The time I had with you was really special. You have given me a lot. I am always there for you if you need me. And know this, You are special to me. Very special. I care for you. And I will certainly miss you. Take care and please make good girlfriends, okay ?” I say, barely holding back my tears.
He laughs a bit and then says, ” Yeah. Sure. And even you should know that I do not regret those moments with you. And even I care for you a lot. Even now.” He says with a smile that was long forgotten by me. I nod.
” Okay then, I hope that our paths cross again. But for now, I guess its a goodbye.” I say forwarding my hand to him.
” Yeah. Goodbye.” He holds my hand.
And for the one final time, we both relive the sensation our touch caused to the other, the first time we shook hands.
” Oh! This is for you.” I give a very small piece of paper in his hand.
” What’s this?” He starts opening it.
” Not now! After I go.” I hold his hand to stop him.
” But why?” He asks.
” Because then, the urge will find its way back.” I say and without listening to his reply, start pacing away from him. I hear him calling me but that’s all he does. He doesn’t follow me. He won’t chase me now. The time for that is gone. I find my way behind a wall, from where I can get clear view of him. I see him opening the paper. I have taken a really big paper and folded it into half the size of my thumb so that some time is taken. Silly yet smart! For a moment I think he will just throw the paper because he clearly looks frustrated but he keeps unfolding it until he finally gets my message. Its written in the centre in a very small handwriting.
The message says:
‘ The date of confession always makes up a good password doesn’t it? In case you have forgotten- 13July2014. And something is definitely waiting for you behind the lock. Good luck finding it.’
I wait for his reaction. He looks up and searches around frantically for someone. Its me I guess.
Without wasting another moment, I start leaving the campus before he tracks me down and asks me to explain my doings. I take in as much as I can of the college. I already bid goodbye to everyone else before meeting Shravan. My parents have left for the hotel already to take their bags. They will meet me directly at the airport. I step out of the campus and I didn’t realise, when tears made their way out if my eyes. I am crying badly, I notice. Huh. Emotions.
I turn back to look at it for one final time before I take a cab and leave the place …. forever.
I am sitting at the airport lounge with my family.
So?
Still expecting that the hero will come rushing to the heroine?
It won’t happen.
Because ours was not a ‘Happily ever after.’
Because ours was not a ‘ Two bodies one soul kind’
Because ours was not a ‘ Made for each other type either.’
Ours was about ‘ The Choice. ‘
And I know one thing,
” I could always become what he wanted me to. But I would have destroyed ‘Myself’ in the process of becoming ‘her’.” I chose to save myself. I chose to let go yet hold on.
So as I always say, its always about the choices you make and not about the story that follows.
So?
I know many of you are disappointed.
But I would be more than glad if you understood the concept.. I mean what the story was ‘actually’ about.
I know you don’t have much time.
But please do leave your frank opinions on this story.
Criticism is welcomed because it will help in future.
You people have been great.
I have got a lot to tell you… Some important things too..
But you will have to wait for the acknowledgement for that..
Till then..
Take care..
Love you all loads and loads..