Hello everyone!!
I read some-thing like this (imaginary) somewhere and I found it nice, so wrote it, some changes from my side!
So, here you goo..
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Vansh: Please God….somebody help me!!
Cellular Wireless: Thank you for contacting Cellular Wireless, Jaipur! My name is Riddhima and I’m happy to be your service representative today.
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Before we begin, may I please just have your member service number?
Vansh: I don’t have my member service number. This is an emergency message, please I’m alone and freezing! PLEASE HELP.
RIDDHIMA (Cellular Wireless): Hold on just a second there, sir. I can’t do anything to assist you until you’ve given me your member number. Can we just start with that?
Vansh: Haye Bhagwaan you don’t get it, do you?? I’m alone in the middle of the woods, my tour group is nowhere in site. I’m freezing cold and I need someone to relay my location to emergency services.
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Vansh: Hello? Are you there??
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Sorry, I was on the line with another customer One that provided me with their member service number, in fact…
Vansh: Please I don’t know my member services number can you please just send me some help? Can’t you pull up my location from my device??
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Sir, this is a member services line. We don’t provide emergency rescue…least of all to people who are unable to provide their member service number. May I suggest that you contact the appropriate authorities?
Vansh: I can’t. No coverage, please you got to help me.
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Ah! That’s because Cellular Wireless has the best coverage in the entire North India. Did you know that we’re the only service providers above the 20th Parallel?
Vasnh: YES I KNOW ABOUT YOUR STUPID “THIS” COVERAGE THING. THAT’S WHY I’M TEXTING YOU!! I lost track of the way and now there’s no one around and am alone!! I’m freezing and lost in the Hemis National Park somewhere in Leh!
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Ah yes, Leh. We have five cellular service towers in Leh! That’s more that Wireless has above the entire 10th parallel combined!
Vansh: I don’t care about your service can you please just get me some help?? Can you please help me?
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): There’s no need to get grumpy.
Vansh: Please help!
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): I’ll tell you what. Usually I don’t do this, but if you provide me with your first and last name…I can look up your old service plan and get your member number from there.
Vansh: My first name is Vansh and last name Raisinghania.
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Your first name is “Vansh?”
Vansh: Yes
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): As in “Kansh”?
Vasnh: What???
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Arrey Kansh Mama who was killed by Lord Krishan!
Vansh: Excuse me!
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Your name is “Vansh Raisinghania?”
Vansh: YES, THAT’S MY NAME!!!
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Vansh: Your name is Riddhima or what? What kind of a stupid name is that, instead it should have been “Ziddhima”! Just get me some help now Ziddhima, I am freezing here and it’s getting dark and cold. I need to get out of here as soon as possible!
Vansh: Hello Riddhima? Are you still there? Riddhima see I’m sorry I didn’t mean it. You’re right Vansh is the name as of Kansh. Riddhima is a nice name. Now can you please just get someone to help me? Please Riddhima!
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Hello Mr. Raisinghania. Sorry to keep you waiting. It can be very difficult to find people’s member account if they only provide us with their name.
Vansh: I’m sorry Riddhima.
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): That’s alright Mr. Raisinghania. I’m used to dealing with frustrated members on this line.
Vansh: Riddhima I’m in a life and death situation!
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Most customers frequently think they are. I find it helps to take a deep breath and count to ten.
Vansh: Riddhima can you please just send search and rescue my way. Please!
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): One moment please, Mr. Raisinghania. I’ve found your member account, but I’m seeing that you’ve discontinued service with us.
Vansh: Yeah I did.
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Why is that?
Vasnh: Does it seriously matter?
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Yes.
Vansh: God! I couldn’t get you guys to stop sending me those stupid Tips messages
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Ah! So you knew about our North India data coverage then?
Vasnh: Yes and about your stupid health or knowledge society frequencies.
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Who’s your current service provider? You’re lucky that your signal isn’t interfering with any migratory birds that far north. You might want to take refuge somewhere in case they start attacking you. You might have even read the Tip about our bird-friendly frequencies. right?
Vasnh: Yes. And I didn’t care and couldn’t even unsubscribe!
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Did you send the unsubscribe message?
Vansh: Yes I said stop like a billion times!!
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Hmmm. Well, Mr. Raisinghania I’m looking at the message history and it appears you never sent the proper unsubscribe response. In fact it looks like you’ve had a history of rather rude texts to our help line.
Vansh: what are you talking about?
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): You said “STOP,” “stop”, “FOR GOD’S SAKE JUST STOP,” etc. Ringing any bells?
Vansh: So why didn’t you stop?
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): The initial message clearly states that to unsubscribe, you must send “STP.” We never received that message.
Vansh: And “stop” wasn’t clear enough for you?
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): If you would simply follow the instructions, Mr. Vansh, everything would be a lot easier for you.
Vansh: Alright, I’m sorry, can you please just send help to my location?
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Mr. Raisinghania, it would be a breach of company policy to provide geolocation information to a third party…especially that of a non-member.
Vasnh: Please Riddhima, I’m going to freeze to death out here!
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): I’ll tell you what, Mr. Vansh. I’ll send your information if you promise to switch back to Cellular Wireless coverage.
Vansh: I’m not going to do that! Please can you just help me.
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): At the very least you can subscribe to CW (Cellular Wireless) Tips. You’ll receive all sorts of information about Cellular Wirelss that might change your mind. Otherwise, I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for you.
Vansh: Okay fine. SUBSCRIBE
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): The subscribe message is “SBSCRB”
Vansh: Seriously? What is with your company’s avoidance of vowels??
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): It’s sort of a tradition from back when we used to charge on a per-character basis for our message. An Old Wheel of Fortune Joke. “Would you like to buy a vowel?”😉 But also, we feel it’s more convenient for the customer to reduce the number of characters that they need to type.
Vansh: Huhh! SBSCRB. Alright I did it!
Cellular Wireless: #CELLULAR WIRELESS, you are subscribed to Tips! Each week, you’ll receive helpful tips from this number so you can get the most out of your Cellular Wireless service. To stop receiving these messages, reply with “STP.”
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Ah! Excellent. Thank you for your cooperation and patience, Mr. Raisinghania. I’ve contacted search and rescue with your position and they should be arriving shortly.
Vansh: Oh god thank you
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Now, as a final favour, while you’re just sitting there doing nothing, I’d like to ask you to evaluate the service you’ve received this evening. If you could follow the following link and provide some quick feedback, it will only take five minutes: . You will of course be charge Rs. 900/kB used, as you are still a non-member on our roaming network.
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Mr. Vansh. I can see you haven’t completed the survey. Mr. Raisinghania please fill out the survey. I haven’t actually sent in your location to search and rescue yet.
Vansh: Ohh Riddhima, fine I’ll do it. Alright done now, please just send help.
Riddhima (Cellular Wireless): Thank you for your feedback Mr. Raisinghania. We value your opinion here at Cellular Wireless.
Cellular Wireless: #CELLULAND WIRELESS Tips! Hi here, CWTips subscriber!
Did you know that Your skin works hard. Not only is it the largest organ in the body, but it regulates your temperature and defends against disease and infection.
Try switching the languages provided in the “System Preferences” menu and choose from over 137 languages and dialects that are available for your convenience. Thank You!
Vansh: STP
Cellular Wireless: #CELLULAND WIRELESS. We’re sorry, it seems that you’ve entered an outdated service code. We’ve recently updated our response directory for your convenience. Speak with a Cellular Wireless customer service representative to identify the desired code that you’re looking for. Have a nice day!!
Vansh: What nonsense!!
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THE END
I once again repeat that this isn’t my original plot!
Hope you all liked it!