SMRITI – a story of self

From the place where I stand, I see nothing. Neither right nor wrong. No difference between truth and lies. Not the light and the dark. All I see is emptiness.

Okay there is no good in ranting about what had happened. I’m here before your home Krishn, waiting for your acceptance. I sat down in the grass and looked at the closed temple, waiting for him to come. Moon shined brightly, full moon it is. The most favorite night of ours all these time. I genuinely lost myself looking at it and then I heard him.

“Here I am !” I knew his voice very well. Deep and soft, more like mine. I turned to my side and saw him sitting beside and facing me with streched legs one on another and leaning back with his right hand holding his face. That’s is forever posture. His face shined even brighter than the moon but irony is his color. Deep black. Now it looked like dark blue, night rays do that. Yellow pajama with red border weaved with golden threads added his glow. Ornaments, what I will say ? He loves all of them. He is the only person who looks more adorable with more ornaments. But what I love the most is his flowery garland. He smiled at me and for the first time his wide gentle and charismatic smile made me anxious and liberated at the same time.

“Why did you call me so dramatically?” He laughed gently.

I don’t know he manages to mock me all the time and not allowing me to get irritated at all with that. Anyway I have to tell him after all, I don’t have any other way without him.

Kanha, Tomorrow if I wake up I would be in urge to live that life which doesn’t have you. I don’t want to wake up to any day or even seconds where you aren’t present. So I decided to come to you for now and eternal. Please accept me Govinda!

“Really ? Why you think I won’t be there tomorrow?” He asked innocently.

He knows I will be moving abroad tomorrow, so I didn’t say anything.

” How did they leave you to temple ? What if you escape?” He asked.

Do he care even? I thought. “Hey Janardhan why didn’t you save me from this? Ofcourse they would be here any minute.

“From what? Your family? Do you remember the three milan (meetings) we had?” He asked.

I went through the bridge of first one,

“Do you need to cry this much?” He asked.

“Don’t even try to talk okay! What have I done? Atleast tell me that! Everyone prays for something and you give them instantly or atleast eventually but why don’t you do that for me? You never did anything to me, am I that hateful to you?” I cried even more.

“Yes, so detestable that I gave things to others and gave myself to you.” He replied gently.

I looked at him. He was still. I felt so horrible. He continued, “trust me I will make miracles with you! Tell me what you want, I’ll give you!” He said.

“I’m sorry. I want you. Just you, nothing else. Only you.” I hugged him instantly. The tears dried and also my dissapointments.

I always knew him as a god. But when I desired for him as himself, it felt so new. I felt like I own a friend, I own him. With that thought months went by and miracles did happend, the very same old life but something’s were different or it’s just that it looked different? Anyway I felt those miracles but very soon this all faded like my tears…. because I started to think.

I told sorry, because I know what I did afterwards. He sat down and kept his hands on mine and smiled.

“You have always loved me, but everytime it’s takes time for you to realise it. Let us do it once again. Remember what happened after that?” He asked.

I grabbed his hands tightly and went down that road where I would never want to step again.

Days passed by and I stopped talking to him. It’s all imagination afterall, I am a daydreamer. To be honest, I miss him.

“You were right! I’m not true but at least meet for for once!” He said, it was more like an order. So I accepted.

Moon shined brightly and world went in silence, I was in my bed trying hard to sleep and I heard him calling me. I woke up and he held my hands and we walked out of my house. He seemed to be in hurry, I didn’t show any interest. He tried to run and I stood still which made him slip and hurt his knees. I was shocked.

“Krishn? Are you fine, why are you hurted? No give me all this pain and just smile. I want you to only smile!” I said in full feirce.

He got up and the wound dissapeared. I looked at him surprised with tears. He wiped off mine and asked, “is this love also a dream?”

“Listen, let’s accept it for a moment that I am a dream. What about your love then?” He asked.

I realised my mistake but he never makes me say sorry instead within moments I was feeling guilty, the place was already arranged with all gopikas circled and dancing in not and the place turned into a garden with fountains and flowers. I was amused, he then grabbed my hands went inside those gopikas circle and danced with all of them. I felt so privileged to be present there. And after that majestic and miraculous raas, I slept in his arms.

Krishn, why did you prove all this to me? You are paramatama (origin and supreme) I’m not even considered as anything!

“But you love me right? You are right! I can never be conquered but love, I’m happily surrender to love. You love me and you saw that before, I am gopala – one who makes all his friends happy. You are my friend, my love!” He said looking into my eyes.

That moment I sufficed in him in that way that I became a dream by myself. From then time passed and I learnt that those miracles are always been happening in my life but it’s just that I didn’t have the sense to identify or feel them. What did I didn’t do ? I tested him , I doubted him but what krishn did? He loved me more than anyone could ever do above all Krishn didn’t change my life, he changed me.

Wait it’s just two milan krishn, you told three?

“Yes. Your family thinks they can cure you by taking you away from me, this place right! But listen my dear love!

The one beside us could be seperated,
The one near us could be avoided,
The one who is owned by us could be left,
The one who we belong to could be freed,
Even the one who is inside us could be killed,
But I am your attire, your organs, your desire and your duty.

You can have eyes but I am the vision,
You can have organs but I’m the action,
You have mind but thoughts are mine,
Above all, you are a soul and I am your smriti.

If you fall, I arise. If you smile, I laugh. If you accept, I will change. I’m not the one who has to accept you. You are the one who should accept. Accept this dear, I’ll change everything. You don’t need temples or idols, you think I could be found in your place? Love, I’m in every being that is originated from me by me. Dear, I am you. Krishn is you.

Sun came out so did my family. Don’t worry I came home by midnight itself. Now we are leaving. We got in the car.

“You look quite bright than usual” my mom said.

“And also that smile, it’s creating me both anxiety and happiness at the same time. Anyway I’m happy that you are moving on !” My dad told.

“Yes. It’s love fam.” I sighed off looking at the morpankh (peacock feather) and smiling.