SWASAN: AASHIYAN [EPISODE- 18]
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She brought his hands down and rested on her belly.
Swara- you..you are going to be fa…father.
she said crying more as finally she told the most important thing she had to, to sanskar. She felt a huge burden lifted up from her shoulders. She has conveyed their baby’s existence news to sanskar. She waited for his answer but he seemed to be frozen.
Shocked would be an understatement, he was numb to react. He took few moments to realise what actually swara said. He was going to be father. But …but suddenly how….. he was confused and looked at her and his hand over her belly unblinkingly. Not knowing how to react, whether to believe what he heard or not, as may be he heard wrong, he asked her again.
Sanskar- come again. I think I heard something wrong.
Swara- you are going to be father sanskar. You heard it correct. OUR BABY……..Our baby is developing inside me sanskar. [for the first time she smiled when she said our baby] BABY this is papa.
Sanskar slowly took in the information amazed, surprised or rather shocked because it was too sudden and unexpected. They have been separated for almost one and half months and for the last ten days there has been constant tension in their relationship and then this news. No one would be able to believe. And when sanskar heard swara introducing him to their unborn child denoting him ‘papa’, some kind of emotion flared in him- like a sense of joy, nervousness and responsibility. He repeated the word ‘papa’ in his mind. Just in seconds multiple emotions coursed in through him just knowing about his own baby. But at the same time he was utterly confused and wasn’t able to hold himself and his emotions.
Sanskar- [dazed] when did you know and now…..how…..we….i mean… [he said and slowly moved his thumb caressing her belly in order to feel the baby and believe]
Not even a single time doubt arose in his mind. He had that trust over her.
Swara- we met in the park after…after I left from here……[she clutched his hand tightly in fear and due to those painful memories] after you went ……….i ran from there and faced blackout. There few people helped me and admitted me in hospital. There I got to know that I am almost six weeks i.e. one and half months pregnant.
Swara- sanskar i am saying the truth. I wanted to tell this to you that day, that moment only but I couldn’t. I was afraid of anything worse than what had already happened. sanskar I didn’t informed about my pregnancy to anyone else. You are the first one to know after me. [swara looked in his eyes] I did wrong that time by leaving you and I had realised it that day itself when you warned me not to go but I couldn’t stop myself that day. I didn’t want to take away anything more from you where you had the first right. I am sorry….
Sanskar hugged her and kissed on her hairs.
Sanskar- we are going to be parents swara. I can’t believe this. OUR BABY….oh god…. I…. I am so so happy. I can’t tell you.
Sanskar was very happy that he forgot everything else. Out of happiness he had hugged her tightly and kissed on her hairs multiple times and seeing sanskar happy, feeling the happiness in his voice she was happier than him. She was about to hug him but then took her hands back and kept it on her sides fisting her palm.
No she can’t hug him, she don’t have rights on him. He is happy for their baby but he don’t want her in his life. Most probably after knowing about the baby he will keep her with him but their relation with each other will not be the same and then she will be the unwanted person present in his life just as she is unwanted in other’s life. These all thoughts were in her mind.
Swara- sanskar can you give me one last thing. I won’t ask anything from you ever again. I promise and I won’t break my promise this time.
Sanskar who was till now hugging her trying to contain his happiness, to still believe that this happiness occurred to him, parted from her and cupped her face.
Sanskar- [happily] say naa swara whatever you want. I am so happy. You gave me the most priceless news and precious gift. I feel like I am dreaming about this moment. Our baby….
Swara- you are happy about the baby naa. [she wanted to confirm first although she knew the answer]
Sanskar- off course. This isn’t something to even ask swara.
Swara- no I want to ask something else.
Sanskar- say naa.
Swara- our baby [kept her hand on her belly] ….our baby is my only reason to live…..[chocked] just give me this th….that never separate me from my baby. Otherwise…… otherwise I will die sanskar. I know you don’t want me in your life……. I will not ask you to forgive me, even won’t disturb you ever……. I will accept whatever you say but…but just don’t…….
Sanskar was shocked to hear her words. The happiness just vanished in the air in moments. What is she talking? He was about to say something but was stopped by swara.
Swara- [tears freely falling from her eyes] please let me say what I want to, just for the last time listen to what I want to say…….i can’t live without our baby and you don’t want me with you. I don’t want my baby to feel unwanted like me…….. our baby should get all the happiness of life.
Swara-I want to give everything that a child deserves to our baby. i never want that my baby face what i did……… and when i will see our baby happy naa i will feel i lived my life, my happiness……… i will need nothing more apart from this………
Sanskar just sat there hearing her, feeling pain in her words, seeing her broken state. What he had thought before coming that he will forgive her and then things will be fine but he didn’t know that time will again show him something worse.
Swara- sanskar life is very hard. We both know this very well and I don’t want my child to bear anything. And feeling this unwanted feeling, it’s too hard. I know how it feels like. You know I was better with only maa and dida. There were taunts, many questions, sometimes that fatherless tag from people but I had maa and dida and I was not content but better. But I desired, desired for more, a father figure, a complete family, you know to have that full family picture.
Swara- I was atleast not unwanted for maa and dida although illegitimate for the world. But then I got to know baba being my father. I didn’t thought much but wished to be with him, to have my family picture complete, to remove that fatherless tag and tell everyone that see I have a father. Once successful in uniting maa –baba I was happy. I thought now maa will be happy and I will have my family, and over that I got a sister. But I didn’t know that I had forced things for my own self. I was unwanted sanskar, that’s why naa ragini hated me that time, baba didn’t trust me in that situation. I wasn’t there in their lives by their will and happiness but their guilt and responsibility they must have felt.
Swara- and then I even forced you to bring me here so that I can unite my ma baba. I wasn’t meant to be with you even sanskar. You see I have forced myself in everyone’s life every now and then. See it all makes sense now. and may be luck favoured me and I received your love, this family. Everything seemed so correct. May be god gave me chance to seek few moments of happiness of family but I think I became greedy sanskar, that’s why I lost everything. First I wanted a father, and when I got you, your love, living in this family I wanted to have this big family.
Swara- I didn’t wanted to be mahaan sanskar, I didn’t wanted to be some great swara. Just that I wanted this AASHIYAN, that I got, to be safe. I knew the importance of family, I wanted to have my own and I became so greedy for that I didn’t realise when I hurt you. But god there was seeing everything. He saw how I was forcing myself on everyone and so now he made me realise this. See even you don’t want me in your life now and I accept it. I was unwanted, I am unwanted and and I will be, but …but it hurts so much. Everything was so sudden. If he had to take all this away, why he allowed me to have this happiness even? I was better having none. Firstly I was fatherless, then people said me characterless and now I am inauspicious and careless. Whatever dadi used say about me naa, everything was correct. I am unwanted,I was…..
Swara- [wiping her tears] now I don’t want this all. I won’t interfere in anyone’s life. Just that my baccha, our baby gets happiness. That’s it. In any case I won’t let my baby to face all these ever. Our baby will be a bundle of joy and happiness. I won’t let any bad things to him.
Swara- sanskar you won’t ever ask me to separate from our baby naa. Say naa….. I will never ask anything from you again and will do everything according to your wish. Please just allow me for this. Our baby is all what I have. Please say ……say something.
Sanskar sat on his knees in front of her and cupped her face, wiping off the tears from her face which again flowed down. He too was in tears hearing swara. They both were wet due to rain. He gently kissed her forehead with all the love he had for her. His all insecurity, anger, everything that he had just disappeared from his heart. She was even more vulnerable than him. Now he just knew that she needs him more than even he needed her ever. He felt angry whenever she said that she forced herself on him or said herself unwanted. But now it’s not the time to show anger. She needs is just love at this moment.
Sanskar- swara how can I even think of anything as such. We will give our baby all the happiness together. And swara forget all these, I am with you. You are not unwanted. I have forgiven you swara. I was angry but I have realised that being separate will give us nothing. I forgive you and now we will live happily together. And we will together look after our baby.
Swara- [removing his hands] no…..i don’t want anything except my baby. You don’t need to forgive me because I am pregnant…….. I will accept everything, do everything you want, just that our baby should be safe, and happy and get all the happiness. I don’t want anything more. Love, happiness these are not meant for me. I am fine like this. I need nothing. You don’t have to compromise for me.
Sanskar- [angrily jerking her from shoulders] what are you saying swara. I didn’t forgive you for the baby. I genuinely forgave you and I came home just because of this. I wanted to tell you about this as soon as possible.
Swara- [loudly] I said naa I don’t want anything and anyone. I am fine. And I know you are saying so to convince me but you forgave just because of the baby……..[looked at him] i..i am sorry……but please I really don’t want any sympathy or compromise from anyone for me. I don’t want to be an unwanted burden on anyone. Please….[said folding her hands]
She had spent the whole day after lunch in thinking over what her life is, where she belongs and what she is and in the state she was she couldn’t get anyone beside her to tell her all these and console. In the lack of guidance and support she has accepted that there is none for her and now her mental condition is such that she can’t accept anyone.
Sanskar- [gasped seeing her folding hands in front of him] swaraa…
Swara got up but stumbled because she was very weak and over that sitting in the cold for long two hours and even did not have anything since afternoon because of all the incidents. As she stumbled she quickly held the door knob to stand properly. Due to lack of energy, excessive stress and depression she was feeling dizzy.
Sanskar who was numb knowing swara’s pain hurriedly got up and held her from shoulders.
Sanskar- swara….you ok. [worriedly]
Swara- yes….
She started walking inside with the support of the door and wall and seeing this sanskar came to her and picked her up in bridal style carefully, startling swara. It just took few seconds for sanskar to come to decision. Seeing her state, listening her talks he was easily able to understand that she was anything but better. He could easily compare her present condition from the one he lived when swara left him. That time ap didn’t talk to him and blame from swara was such that he felt unwanted. He can understand swara easily because now her condition is not much different. From what he got to know from uttara about the happenings in the home and his delay in sorting out things has affected her much. He knows what she is going through and he doesn’t want that to happen with her.
And so now in this condition he needs to support her and over that she is pregnant with their baby which adds more to his responsibility.
Swara- san..sanskar I can walk…you don’t need to….
Sanskar- I am not here to listen all these. Enough of what you thought, decided and whatever you wanted to say. Now you will listen to me carefully.
He made her sit on the couch and brought a towel, while she sat with a blank look, quite, without any opposition, just opposite to her character.
Sanskar- you are all wet, wipe yourself otherwise will get ill. [said giving her the towel]
Sanskar took out her nightwear and handed her. Swara’s head was spinning butt she didn’t cared.
Sanskar- go and change quickly and be careful.
Swara just took them with blank expression and stood. She walked few steps but was still feeling dizzy which made her walk unstably. Sanskar saw this.
Sanskar- [coming to her and softly] why are you walking like this. Any problem.
Swara- I am dizzy but nothing to worry. It’s common in pregnancy.
She started to go in washroom but he held her wrist stopping her.
Sanskar- [worried] but….you do one thing. You change in the room itself. [swara looked at him blankly] I will go in washroom and change till then.
He took his clothes when he heard the door knocking sound. He opened and found uttara there.
Uttara- bhai everyone is in the hall and maa said to call you.
Sanskar- [looked at swara who was looking at them blankly clutching her dress] uttara tell maa, I can’t come now. whatever it is i will talk later. Maybe in the morning.
Uttara- bhai it is about today’s incident. [listening to it swara’s tears rolled down]
Sanskar- I don’t care. I have many things to be sorted and I can’t come. Just tell this to maa.
Uttara- ok. Vo…bhabhi…
Sanskar- I am there. Can you please bring food for swara?
Uttara- I will in few minutes.
Sanskar nodded and uttara went from there. Sanskar silently took his dress and went to washroom asking swara to change who just did what he said. When he came out swara had changed and her wet clothes were dumped at side. She was sitting at the edge of bed lifelessly still holding the towel and staring outside the window aimlessly. Sanskar was in thoughts what he should do now when he heard the knock sound again. Uttara had come with food. He thanked her and she went.
Sanskar – swara [no response] [kept hand on her shoulder] swara.
Swara- haan [yes]
Sanskar- come have food.
Swara- I am not feeling to have anything. You don’t burden yourself. I will manage myself.
Sanskar looked at her for a while and then brought the food plate and forwarded a morsel to her lips. Swara looked at him and then the morsel of food.
Swara- please you….
Before she denies sanskar fed her while she started speaking. She looked at him blinking her eyes which again got filled with tears. She didn’t protest after that and silently had the food as sanskar fed her, wiping her tears in between which fell without her permission.
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Downstairs in hall-
Dp what happen annaporna.
Ap- ji I want to go to rajasthan to visit ambe maa temple with laksh and ragini to take off all evil eyes from them and ask maa to shower blessings and protection to the unborn baby.
Dp- suddenly???
Ap- why? Can’t I go. It’s for the children and I just wished for this for the good upcoming future.
Sujata- jiji tell the full matter to bhaisa naa that why suddenly you took such decisions.
Ap- sujata do you find my decision wrong.
Sujata- jiji you know I respect you a lot and I agree with everything you say and now also you are right but the reason behind the decision, I don’t support it.
Ap- sujata you yourself saw everything.
Sujata- but jiji swara will never do anything lik…
Ap- I don’t want to listen anything over this topic.
Dp- first of all tell me what you all are talking about. What had happened and what were you telling about swara.
Ap was about to say but dp interrupted.
Dp- sujata you tell.
Sujata- bhaisa you know about yesterday’s event related to that medicine and today the food prepared by swara had papaya which ragini was going to have. But swara didn’t add the papaya as I myself was there when she peeled bottle gourd for the curry and I had instructed her what to make. Don’t know how that came in the food and for that jiji thinks swara is responsible and her carelessness. That’s why she took this sudden decision to go for the temple’s visit.
Sujata- [to ap] jiji swara isn’t at fault and I can say this. When she left sanskar and this house and went just for the sake of ragini and her child then she definitely won’t do such mistake and over that swara was only taking care of ragini all these days. By the way I was angry on her for leaving sanskar but then also I know she isn’t responsible for all these incidences.
Dp- sujata is saying correct. Swara can never harm anyone and whatever happened may be would have been someone’s mistake.
Ap- I am not blaming swara. I am worried for ragini and her child and don’t want to take any risk. That’s why I want to go rajasthan. Please just allow us to go. I don’t want anything else.
Dp- for your own satisfaction you can go.
Ap- then ok. We will leave tomorrow morning only. It’s better we go as soon as possible.
Dp- ok
Rp- bhabhisa you don’t take tension. Everything will be alright. [to sujata] sujata you also go with bhabhisa and pray for the family.
Sujata nodded and the children and dp and rp dispersed to their room.
Sujata- [to ap] jiji I didn’t mean to cut your words or disrespect you. I just said what I felt.
Ap- it’s ok.
Episode ends. Although I am submitting it today midnight but it will be posted by morning. So sorry for the delay again and thank you for the likes and comments.
Precap- sanskar’s care and confrontation and the voice message.