SWASAN: If this is your love, my Prince… Then, please hate me! [Episode 20]

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Hi everyone…
Thank you all for your support and comments, it’s really heart touching to feel that this story is touching so many people and I hope that the ending track will not disappoint you… that I’ll not disappoint you all.
As the last week I posted lately… I’ll compensate this time with 2 chapters back to back… episode 20 and 21 are pure Swasan moments… hope you’ll enjoy it and I’ll be happy to read you feedback.
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Ragini’s happiness preparing the plate full of sweets for family members was endless… she’s unaware about what Sujatta was saying while she’s doing the same around, all she could think about is that finally everything will be fine and now that Sanskar is back, Swara will be safe… he’ll never let anything happen to her!
She precedes her Chachi toward the living room when she freezes at the scene she sees in front of the temple, under the joyful gaze of the rest members of their family, Swara is keeping Sanskar’s hand over her head, they’re looking lovingly to each other… she shivers inexplicable fear winning every inch of her being, the trail trembles in her shaking hands while she focuses to hear what her sister was asking her husband… but all she hears is her heart beats pounding in her ears!
She wants to scream asking what’s going on but there is no any sound going out from her dried throat… tears start accumulating in her eyes when Sanskar’s clear voice says the asked by his Swara:
“- I promise to protect our child’s life whatever happens…”
No! no! no!… unable to have a control over herself, she can’t feel the trail escaping her hands and her voice finally comes out screaming:
“- NAHI!!! This baby is killing her, Sanskar!”

Everyone’s eyes turn toward her shocked, time seems suspended for what seems like an eternity for Sanskar, his eyes have like everyone searched the source of the crashing sound discovering Ragini’s posture and his ears have heard her words but yet her mind couldn’t register their meaning! His heart beats start racing madly as he takes off his hand from her head making her look up to him tears forming in her eyes seeing his face’s features changing slowly… subtly… the joy and happiness glowing in his eyes are firstly clouded by surprise then shock seeing Ragini’s shattered state as her face was drowned by tears crying madly her eyes imploring Swara silently. He looks back to Swara who was still looking to him, the heavy tears filling her eyes escape her huge eyes rolling slowly over her cheeks making him frown a shiver running over his spine!
From her eyes, his gaze downs to her yet flat belly…

“THIS BABY IS KILLING HER”
Ragini’s words repeat in his mind feeling air escaping his lungs winding him, the shock clouding his eyes turn to something else… something reddening them dangerously, was he aware of the uncontrolled tears running down his face? Not really because it’s not sadness which was wrapping his compressed heart… her voice repeats once more in his mind:
“- can I ask you something?… a promise… promise me that… you’ll protect our child’s life whatever happens”
Ragini’s unwelcomed memory’s voice too:
“THIS BABY IS KILLING HER”
“- I promise to protect our child’s life whatever happens…”
Looking up to his hand still over her head as those solemn words come back to him making sweat drown his quivering with fear body as finally Ragini’s words’ meaning spreads burning fire inside his veins…
“THIS BABY IS KILLING HER”
That’s it… Swara shivers to see his mad look back to her, the same mad look she saw that night over the landing area… she feels his hand took off from her head but can’t see anything but his glaring eyes pinning her in place for what? Seconds? Minutes? Eternity?…
Ragini’s voice takes out everyone from their numb state trying to understand what she just said… she cries out tears drowning her pale face:
“- kyu!!! Kyu Swara!!! What have you done? How… how can you… how can you do that?…”
Sharmista is the first reacting finally, she runs toward her taking her by her arms forcefully to make her look in her eyes and asks shouting:
“- what are you saying, Ragini??? What are you talking about?…”
Ragini looks down keeping silent and crying more but her mother was panicking seeing her like that, she takes her face in her hands making her look up into her eyes again and asks:
“- answer me beta? Do you know what are you saying?… how is it possible?… ANSWER ME RAGINI!”
She started crying too as both bade ma and Sujatta come toward Ragini asking her:
“- ha Ragini! Answer your mother… what are you saying? How is it possible that the baby is killing her?”
Bade ma’s shaken voice is followed by Sujatta’s incoherent words:

“- ha choree! This is not true!… you’re saying nonsense… hamare Swara is bilkul fine… say it, say it that you didn’t mean what you said… say it!”
Shekar join them trying to reassure himself saying:
“- ha beta… we’re sure that you didn’t mean…”
Ragini’s broken voice stops him:
“- what didn’t I mean papa?… what haven’t you all understood in the “killing her” statement?”…
She looks to Swara and cries more seeing her eyes locked to Sanskar’s gaze:
“- tell him Swara… tell everyone what have you been hiding for all those months… tell them that you should be at hospital now… that the doctor’s number don’t stop appearing on your phone… tell them that your life is in danger and this baby is making it worst… tell them that you stopped me from telling everyone the truth months ago… that at keeping secrets one after the other protecting us, you’re ruining your life… you don’t have the right to make us responsible for your…”
Not bearing it anymore, Ragini is about falling on the ground if she’s not caught by Laksh’s strong arms before hitting it, Swara reacts finally running to her but she’s held back by the strong grip of Sanskar’s hand on her wrist.
He pushes her back toward him making her wince in pain as he wasn’t controlling his force. Panting, he seems insensible by her tears or the struggling hand in his trying to free herself, his rude voice startles her:

“- SPEAK!”
Trembling, she couldn’t say anything her heart beats burdening in her ears… was she able to say it? Here? Now? In front of everyone?… she knew it that she’ll not be able to hide it anymore but…
“- SAY IT, SWARA! DAMN IT!!!”
She swallows searching a way to form it in words which can decrease the hugeness of what she’s about saying:
“- I… I’m ill… the doctor… the doctor says that it’s better if I make abortion because… because… I’ll not be able to continue the cure if I’ll carry on with this pregnancy…”
Sujatta’s voice comes in her son’s back making Swara close her eyes:
“- a miscarriage again?”
Sanskar turns to his mother vividly still griping her wrist harder if it was possible, his frown and interrogative eyes make her swallow, she looks down remembering her jiji’s words about Swara’s wish to never talk about that, but at this state…
His lips repeat in disbelief…
“- A-G-A-I-N!”
His other hand holds on his own chest, he’s sure that his heart has run out of it because the void forming inside was engulfing him, his pupils widens darkening his brown eyes when he looks back to Swara unable to say anything, she feels obliged to say:
“- I’m… so….”

He points his finger at her face warning her from saying sorry now!…
he repeats again as an inaudible question:
“- again?”
Tears start running endlessly over her cheeks now, but he just asks more:
“- again!?”
She nods choking him as he closes his eyes, he breaths sharply before opening his eyes still waiting, she finally speaks:
“- I… I lost my…”
Taking a deep breath wiping her eyes, she says on an almost confident tone:
“- I had an accident seven months ago… and… I had a miscarriage…”
He blows not taking off his eyes from hers:
“- OUR…”
At her blank expression not registering what he’s stating, he explains almost shouting:
“- not your… OUR BABY…”
She burst out crying at his words looking down, why should they talk about that now? Why returning to that somber part of their lives, those black memories she wanted to erase for the eternity…
“- on Lucky’s missing day?”
She’s shocked by his still rude tone, when she looks up to him, he just repeats his eyes expressionless:
“- on that fight’s day, hai na?”
She nods making him gape again, taking her other hand in his, he makes a step closer to her, almost crashing her body with his and keeps silent detailing her drowned with tears face. Bade ma’s voice explains:
“- Swara fell in the stairs when you went out searching for Laksh’…”
At his interrogative eyes, Swara’s hands try to reach his face, but his grip on them was too strong, she winces again and says:
“- I wanted to tell you about my pregnancy on that day but… but I was too late and…”
“- and you didn’t want to make me suffer uselessly!?”
The words he says were so true but in his mouth… on the tone he uses…
“- hai na, princess?… you preserved me from pain… after all who I am to decide what I want to know and what I don’t?… my unconditional loving wife is here to do it for me…”
“- San… Sanskar…” she was trembling in his hands…
“- kya Sanskar?… it’s ok… don’t sorry… I understand… I know… I know you so much, Mrs Maheshwari… I know how your heart is always sparing everyone but yourself… so… I know… don’t disturb me with a pregnancy matter when family is still suffering then don’t disturb me with a f***ing baby loss … MY BABY f***ing loss because it’s too late to talk about it and it will make everyone suffer… that’s it … I know… how do you find me, princess? Convincing hai na?…”
He shocks her being so careless about his language and moreover in front of his own family members… she never heard him swearing!…
He’s angry, no… he’s fuming with contained rage and the only appearance of his interior tumult is his merciless hold on her wrists keeping her in place in front of him… like he was afraid that if he lets go of her, he’ll lose her forever…
Bade papa’s voice tries to break the tension while Ragini is still sobbing in her husband embrace, Sharmita is about going to her daughter hearing him say:
“- Sanskar beta… let her expl…”
“- DON’T!… it’s between me and MY WIFE bade papa… please stay ALL out of that!”
His turning gaze toward him stop anyone from trying to interfere… he hears her pleading voice choked with tears:
“- Sanskar…”
he looks back to her opening his mouth to say something… but he stops… he tries again then closes his eyes tightly taking a deep loud breath before finally opening them again and says on a fake calmer tone:
“- SO… you were pregnant… and falling from stairs you had a miscarriage… then?”
His voice shakes at the last words betraying his repressed tears strangling him and tightening their grip on his throat… as she says nothing, he asks more forcefully:
“- THEN!?”
Sujatta burst out shouting:
“- stop it Sanskar! what are you accusing her about!? It was all your fault… if you didn’t try to kill your brother, then she wouldn’t faint in stairs knowing about it!”
Swara chokes in shock shaking her head from side to other to say no… but Sanskar didn’t even look back while he states:
“- I-SAID-STAY-ALL-OUT-OF-THIS!!!… THEN?”
Swara swallows wondering how she couldn’t stop all this mess before it starts… she was about saying all the truth to Sanskar, alone in their room when he’ll be able to listen to her and to her reasons calmly…
“- SAY IT FOR GOD SAKE, SWARA!!! Then what?… don’t oblige me to ask Ragini and you know she’ll not be able to handle it!”
Swara’s heavy breathing make him close his eyes for a moment, impossible… he was unable to think anything clearly… for the moment, all he wants is to know!!! He opens them his look softer and waits for her trembling lips to start talking… yes, he was ready to hear it!
“- the days following the accident… when you were searching for Laksh, I was unable to walk out of our room because of the miscarriage. Doctor came many times to check on my state and take blood samples for analyses as was abnormally weaker day by day despite all the family care…”
As he widens his eyes a bit surprised, she explains:
“- no… only Ragini and bade ma were aware about my real condition and even Mom was thinking that I was just having a bad backache… she knows the truth just…”
“- THEN…”
He cuts her, he’s not in mood to analyses his family members reaction… Ragini’s words are yet repeating in his mind…
“- this baby is killing her!”
What does it mean? Is it a complication of her miscarriage? Some kind of consequence?… he noticed all over those months how skinny she became and from what he could see in his secret visits to her motherhood home’s bedroom, she was taking lot of medicines… just before sleeping… the images of her crying nights invade his memories unwelcomed making him unable to sustain her gaze, he looks down taking a sharp breath and asks:
“- Then Swara… THEN?”
“- a week later, doctor came back to announce to me that I should be hospitalized for further exams… I refused asking what was worrying her so much… all I wanted was that that period ends and Laksh’ returning home, I could finally talk to you and together we…”
He shakes his head stopping her… this period wasn’t what he wanted to remember right now… it was the starting of their separation when he couldn’t see her day after day… somehow he wanted to never know about what she’s about telling him next, but it was vital for him to hear her say it finally!
“- tell me something I don’t know… THEN?”
“- she said that I was ill and if the exams confirm the first diagnosis, so I should be at hospital…”
“- say it, Swara!… ill… ill from what? Flew? Migraine? Stomach?… what the hell was you hiding on that seventh day!?”
“- Leukemia…”
It was a whisper… a small whisper which blew a storm inside the Maheshwari Mansion… everyone almost shouts in surprise while Sharmista feels about fainting is sustained by her husband’s arms… Ragini’s loud sobs breaks the death silence plunging them in!
But Swara was unaware of anyone’s presence, she couldn’t break the eye lock contact with who Sanskar who shockingly didn’t make any kind of reaction… he seems have forgotten how to blink or to breath for a while and she feels obliged to continue hurriedly to pass above the unbearable word she just said…
“- I’m having a cure… chemotherapy sessions… and it works a lot… the problem was taken at the first stage and I’m recovering well…”
“- WAS!!!”

Ragini’s voice stops her suddenly… this time, Sanskar doesn’t stop her, she continues almost shouting throw her cries:
“- it was working, Swara!… I was surprised to feel you almost asking me to go away on the doctor’s appointment last week… I was asking myself why didn’t you want me to go with me, why did you almost put me out when I made a surprise in her office… I was unable to imagine that you were hiding such a big secret from all of us…”
Ragini tells them then how the doctor was so angry at Swara for knowing that she stopped coming since a whole month, as she was in seminar out of the country, she didn’t expect such a lack of responsibility from her.
Ragini’s has then defended her sister talking about Sanskar’s death making the doctor feel bad for her patient, at that moment she was unaware about what the doctor was talking about and how bug her shock was at her reaction to the happy news of Swara’s pregnancy…
“- the doctor was clear… chemotherapy and pregnancy are absolutely incompatible and stopping the treatment now is… it’s just a suicide!”
Every family member starts then asking more and more about what exactly happened unable to understand how they kept unconscious about Swara’s illness and what she was living silently alone… Sharmista was shattered, unable to say anything but asking why they kept her out of all this secrets and soon voices and cries were so melted that no one was aware of Swara and Sanskar presence just there… looking in each other eyes without a word!.

Swara was waiting for Sanskar’s reaction, be it shouting angrily or crying in desperation but he just keeps silent, still… myriad of feelings melting in his eyes, all what seems react in him was his hands tightening their hold on her wrist painfully… she murmurs tears forming in her eyes again:
“- you’re hurting me, Sanskar…”
Her voice seems snatches him from the invisible world he was lost in and he’s about saying something but nothing goes out from his opened lips… so he finally releases her and before she can say anything further, he turns his back and goes up… for a moment she’s afraid that he just disappears again, but it’s their room’s direction he takes letting her there in place… not really knowing what to do…