SWASAN: If this is your love, my Prince… Then, please hate me! [Episode 21]

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Like promised… episode 20 and 21 in the same day… yes… mahan of… shut… the last part will bring my title back :p
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The bedroom’s walls seem closing on his too overwhelming… what?
Anger?…
Sadness?…
Madness?…
Standing in the middle he could feel it spinning around him as he’s submerged by all kinds of shattered memories…
Months ago… the last happy smile he has ever seen over his wife’s face when he returned home at badi… he was covered with blood and bruises and at the sight of his state, the smile vanished instantly to never come back… he kept wondering about what was she about telling him at that first moment he passed the door, but never had the occasion to ask her!
Now he’s aware that it was probably the moment she was about announcing him that he’ll be a father and instead of taking her in his arms then happily, he faced her with anger and hatred he even didn’t know was able of after all those times…
Taking his head between his both hands pressing it as he feels it contents about exploding out, he starts pacing in the small space like a lion in cage…
That night… that night when he returned home after a whole day searching for Laksh’… he had a bad feeling knowing that she was “sleeping”… Ragini’s helpless face was printed in his brain as he remembered believing that Swara was angry at him and refused to see him… he passed the night there, just behind their door when she was so in need of him…
He’s sure she must have heard his hateful words shouting at her door and… and she was just handling the fact that their baby was no more!!!!
Pressing his chest, he feels like suffocating and has to sustain himself to the night table for not breaking down and fall to the ground…
the memory of their fight a week later… her accusing eyes, her accusing tone, her inexplicable anger toward him… but she was right! She was absolutely right!
His mother’s words resurge from nowhere:
“-It was all your fault… if you didn’t try to kill your brother, then she wouldn’t faint in stairs knowing about it!”
He looks up to his face and smirks saying:
“- she’s right, Sanskar… all your fault…”
All the altercations he had over the six months they were separated come back to him… his words… his acts… he kept accusing her for their broken relation where he was aware that they were just where his acts made them go!
“- find your brother first… then take my life if you want it for punishment…”
This was her ever words every time he blamed her for letting him…
“- take my life…”

This three words she said so many times… now he knows what she’s talking about…
He remembers all the times he saw her unable to finish her meals at her parents dining table… all the times she had to sustain herself to something to walk straight thinking that it’s just from lack of food and sleep… the medicines he thought needed for her to sleep… there was some packages of those medicines over the table until now… he takes them and reads the notices… one by one… like he was searching a way to make the truth becoming a lie!
He finishes by throwing them away… then in his anger, he just starts throwing whatever he sees in front of his eyes throw the room… cosmetics, files… covers… chairs…
In his head was turning like a black and white movie the landing area night events…
He asked her again about the secret she’s keeping from him but she again denied him the response… he poured all his hatred toward her acts in his words that night and her broken stature was nagging him… like if she was still then imploring him forgiveness…
Disgusted from himself, he feels like if an angel was asking mercy from a devil… the devil’s face which the mirror in front of him was reflecting making him feel sick… unbearable vision he wanted to make disappear!
so suddenly, he punches in the glass breaking it in thousands pieces… just like what seems his heart has turned too…
In his need of forgetting the void growing and growing inside him, he continues his childish behavior messing the whole room like if things flying from side to the other could erase the images repeating again and again of the soulless state he drowned her in for the last weeks with his death drama…
Her cries, her sadness, her weakness… he recalls that night in the academy when she fainted under the rain in his arms… that night he felt miserable for making her suffer… he thought that nothing was worst than hating himself for her condition then!
But now… now that he knows everything… now that she showed him again how much he doesn’t deserve all the love she gave him when he kept making her suffer again and again… he promised her to protect her from everything but… but who could protect her from him!?
He’s on the edge of losing his mind feeling that the void which consumed all his body has reached his brain now… her image when she told him she’s pregnant hiding her sadness behind a chocolate piece, celebrating this small happiness only with him… she was telling him he’s going to be a papa and he just stayed there saying nothing…
He palms his face breathing heavily as he remembers the moment she was unconscious in his arms on that terrace… he saved her from the bullet but… he couldn’t save her from all the rest!
His Swara is ill… very ill… GOD… it’s leukemia… it’s cancer… Swara is having a cancer for the last seven months and all he was thinking about is why is she blaming him when she was to be blamed too…

Ha… she has to be blamed… not for hiding things to protect his self being… not for being angry at his stupid misbehavior… not for again making other’s happiness above hers…
she has to be blamed for loving him so much…
he has a small smile which doesn’t reach his reddened eyes while remembering how he was afraid like a lost child when she turned her back to him today… her smile looking back to him plants a knife in the bleeding heart struggling in his chest… she looked so happy that everything was over… so childish wiping his tears to bring a smile on his face! No one has never did such great sacrifice for him… no one can do such sacrifice for anyone! She could smile to him just so his heart is filled with happiness and hope, when her heart was yet heavy with so much pain!
Her cajoling tone asking him to not ask for forgiveness and her eyes screaming out how much she loves him that nothing else matter… she first asked him to not make her any promises… surely because she knew he couldn’t fulfill them! But then… she asked him more… his own voice reasons at his ears:
“- I promise to protect our child’s life whatever happens…”
Suddenly, he’s startled by Swara’s voice at the door…
“- open to me Sanskar… please…”
She was crying! How much time has she been there? May be he was hearing heavy knocks on the door till now but couldn’t register anything… he hears her again:
“- please Sanskar… let me talk to you… please…”
She was imploring and he runs eagerly to the hidden with curtains glass door, his hand on the locker was bleeding from its punch on the mirror… it was with this right hand over her head that he made that unbreakable promise…
“- this baby is killing her Sanskar!”
Ragini’s voice throws a glacial veil over his burning body… hearing Swara’s silent cries behind the thin glass separating them, all what she said just few time ago comes to him… he should be dragging her from her arm to the doctor asking her to make the abortion surgery right now and restart the chemotherapy…
God! Is he saying that he’ll ask her to kill their baby?
But… but… she’s ill… she’s dangerously running to her d… he puts his hand over his mouth like if his thoughts were about been spoken out and it was unbearable!
“- Sanskar…”
He’s startled again hearing her voice like if it was for the first time and he extends his hand trying to open the door… whatever would be her reaction, he’ll convince her… she knows him well… she knows that there is no any place to doubt whenever it comes to her life and right now… her life was in this cruel decision… the only way to save her life is…
“- I promise to protect our child’s life whatever happens…”
He doesn’t care, it’s not like if he… he… he just sword on her life… promising to protect their baby’s life whatever be the circumstances… and his hands freezes again over the locker!
NO NO NO!!!…
Suddenly he realizes the ampler of the words she asked him to pronounce!
“- talk to me, Sanskar…”

He could see her by the small opening curtains… her hand hits the door again but he couldn’t hear her voice his heart beats deafening any other sound out of his body… his vision is blurred slowly until he couldn’t see her clearly anymore and finally it comes out… the tears strangling his throat since Ragini’s words beams at his eyes, he feels so weak suddenly… so empty… like if all what was left inside were those tears flowing over his cheeks and now they are out, there was nothing else!
His shoulders shaken by the sobs taking off all his last forces, he couldn’t feel his legs anymore and he just fall on the floor there, needing the solid door to sustain him… the sound escaping his lungs is more like a hurt animal’s groan than a cry…
He hears her cry aloud on the other side and feels like if his soul was snatched from him at every word she pronounces… he feels cold, winded and so weak… the more she asks him to open the door… the most he moans crying painfully… he wanted to ask her to go because he was unable to face her right now… but he wanted her to be here, with him… he misses her so badly… he misses her bubbly and malicious smile… this too is his fault… like her pain! Like her sadness… like the tears he knew were drowning her face…
Didn’t he just promise her to never make her cry again? It’s so quickly gone like so many other promises…
Their sweet memories drown his brain like filling the void inside him with bitterness at the idea that they’ll never come back… the time when they acted married in that room… their escapade in the tent… their forced marriage and their patching up so suddenly when everything seemed finished… their romantic moments in the helicopter… the picnic… the engagement night when she gave him their first kiss… their marriage… their suhagrat… when she recovered her memory… when she protected him against family’s accusations about Laksh’s jaling affair… the last time they were in that storeroom… and their last dance on the landing area…
Every single image makes him cry more, she gave him so much and all he returned to her is… is pain! Like now… the happiest event which could reunite them was taking her from him…
this idea makes him scream in pain his cries filling the room… he takes his head in her palms holding it tightly… it can’t be possible… it just can’t be possible… God… someone comes and just kill him to stop that horrible feeling… he’s not strong enough for that… he’s not able to face it…
he knows that Swara is waiting for him… he’s so selfish to mourn his bad fate like if he was the one suffering in this story… he wasn’t the one facing chemotherapy alone for months and smiling to his family returning home like if nothing had happen… not him who’s hiding his arms under long sleeves so no one could see the needle’s marks… not him who faces a mad man blaming over and over for his own errors… yet he finds the way to complain!
Swara needs him… she needs his arms to fold her in his embrace saying that he’ll arrange everything… but… THIS he can’t arrange…
He wanted to shout at her face asking her why did she that to him… to them… but again he’ll make her suffer… has he the right to be angry at her for being about to… no…
hugging his knees under his chin in need to gather what serves his broken soul as an envelope, he closes his eyes and continues crying like that for a long moment not even aware of the world surrounding him…

after a while, turning and returning the pages of their past together he opens his eyes startled… what if she’s gone?… what if she’s angry at him for not supporting her?… what if she…
he gets up suddenly and wipes his tears taping on his cheeks to take a deep breath before opening the door about running down to ask where did she go!
But he’s stopped net at the moment the door open, he’s startled to see her there, sitting on the ground resting her head over it… she looks up to him to his shocked face and wipes her eyes and nose standing up.
Without saying a word, she walks by his side ignoring the mess he has put their room in and goes to a drawer where she takes out a first aid box.
Returning to him, she takes him by his left hand and makes him sit on their bed, just between all the stuff he threw over it and kneels in front of his lifeless stature.
Not looking in his eyes, she starts putting antiseptic and healing cream over the injuries covering his hand silently… in other times she would be scolding him for being so careless and her silence was this time more scolding than her words.
He thought that he was no more crying controlling the urge of burst out again looking down to her, but the tears dropping on her caring hands make him realize that his eyes weren’t obeying him anymore…
She wipes her nose sneezing too and gets up just to sit next to him on his right side… she takes off the old dirty bandage covering his arm since a whole week and tries to retire the sparadrap carefully to not open the injury again… the vision of the sealed lips of the deep cut is horrible… thanks to God it’s not infected and wetting a cotton, she tampons it slowly aware of the hurt it causes and blow over it to sooth him just like she did for his hand, but he didn’t react… his eyes following every gesture her hands make touching him… it’s like if he became senseless… after a healing cream, she covers the new clean pansement carefully trying to presses it the less possible and starts standing but he takes her hand in his stopping her.
His eyes didn’t quite the blue covering her wrists… his fingers marks were drawing a horrible bangel on both of them under her shining bangels… she continues looking down…
His thumbs caressing the bruises slowly, his broken uncontrolled toned voice comes finally out of his throat:
“- you should be happy… at least now I know what I made you feel for the past weeks!”
He talked slowly, almost whispering to himself but her gaze fixes his swollen eyes for a moment before smiling… a real shining smile like those he loves so much… like those which make his heart jump in his heart… but right now, if his heart has jumped, so all it gave him is pain again…
“- someone explained me long time ago… that if you know what love is about, so you can’t bear to see the loved one in this state, Sanskar”
Her simple statement giving him his own words back after so long time, her filled with tears huge beautiful eyes… her reddened from cries nose and the smile curving her adorable lips… he’s overwhelmed again and when she cups his cheek erasing a millionian tear rolling there, he plunges in her warm embrace and cries as much as he did when he was just alone muting his sobs in her neck while she hugs him so tightly trying to sooth him blowing a “shhh…” like he was a small boy
“- I’ll not be able to support it, Swara… I’ll never be able…”
Her hand caresses his back up and down trying to console him in vain, he hugs her tighter crying more, almost melting her inside him like if he could keep her just there in his arms for the eternity… he pleads desperately between his loud wailing:
“- take back this promise, Swara… I beg you to take it back… ask me anything but not that… please…”
He breaks their hug looking in her eyes, tears still forming endless blur on his vision, he palms her face in his hands lovingly and asks again while she cries too:
“- how… how can you… how can you do that to me, princess?… I’ll never accept this… I’ll never accept him… whoever harms my Swara is my ene…”
“-SHhhh…”
She shuts his words a hand over his lips choking, takes a deep breath looking down to her belly then back to him:
“- you don’t think what you’re saying…”
Wiping his tears by her trembling fingers, she adds as he tries to deny saying no with his head:
“- I love you Sanskar… and for the love you have for me, I can’t let you kill our child…”
Her words make him burst out crying again hugging her:
“- I don’t care if I’m a murderer… I don’t care if you’ll hate me… I just… just want you safe…”
He breaks the hug again and says panting his desperate look breaking her heart:
“- quite me again if you want… and this time, forever… never come back… never ever forgive me… but don’t do that!”
She’s submerged by sadness seeing him so broken:
“- I’m so sorry, Sanskar…”
He takes her face in his hands again his fingers clearing its vision from her opened hair:
“- I don’t want you to be sorry… I want you to break this promise, please… I will not survive… I’ll not be a good father you know… you’re taking everything with you… deko… you’ve seen what the mad man you accepted in your life did here…”
His unfocused gaze grazes the décor around them aimlessly looking to the disastrous zone he created in their room but she doesn’t follow his eyes direction, she keeps looking to him while her hands reach his face cupping it in her palms too so she forces him to look to her back…
“- main aapke Swara ho, Sanskar… have I ever failed fulfilling my promises?”
As he doesn’t react, she asks:
“- tell me…”
He nods in “no” shaking his head tears flowing again from his eyes, her thumbs brush them away while a small smile illuminates her drowned with tears adorable face and she gulps before saying:
“- then… trust me…”
Not giving him a second to reply, she approaches him without taking her hands from his face and making him bends it a bit toward her… her lips captures his salted swollen ones tenderly making his eyes widen with shock… but soon he responds fiercely tightening his caress on her face and closing the distance between them…
Like it has always been whenever they’re together… everything else disappeared around them, they were finally Swasan… again…

………….. TO BE CONTINUED