Dawn came and was gone letting the sun rays invade the small place where both Sanskar and Swara were deeply asleep in each other embrace bathing in the after love making calmness and pleasance.
After a restless night, Sanskar’s senses have finished by succumbing to tiredness and when brightness lays over his tormented face, his eyes open immediately only to let the sight of his lovely wife’s face brightens the darkness of his heart once again…
A sincere smile curves his lips while he takes a deep breath making the less noise and moves possible wanting his princess to rest more. He sees her brow frown as sun lights were disturbing her and taking his hand from her shoulder, he rises it above her face at the height of her eyes creating a protective shadow to give her some more moments… minutes… hours of sleep.
When her eyelids finish by discover her beautiful eyes, his hand comes down to move a hair lock aside clearing the vision of her beautiful face which skin shades instantly with pink in a delightful blush he’ll never be used to… he pulls up on her chin making her look in his full of love eyes…
“- Good morning, princess…”
She smiles widely nestling herself against him more before replying in a sated breath:
“- Good morning prince…”
And as unpredictable as every time she does so, she prints a tender kiss on his jaw just under his lips smiling mischievously at his surprise. Seeing his tender look turn stormy, pinkness covering her cheeks turns crimson red as she tries to stand up eloping from his embrace only to be caught back by his hand making her crash on him forcefully… their eyes melting in each other, he captures her lips languorously maintaining her face against him by his both hands… and succumbing to his invading caress, Swara replies with same fever her senses yet inflamed by their nocturne intimacy…
*-*-*
It’s almost noon when Swara comes out from her office’s washroom relieved that there is an annexed dressing too. Choosing a green and yellow sari to put on, she’s amused to find the “chacha” costumes thinking that Sanskar must have stayed here all the time.
By the time she’s about knotting her sari’s pans over her shoulder, Sanskar walks in wearing his white pants and vest over a green t-shirt, his hands join hers on her shoulder helping her, his eyes locked with hers in the mirror… earrings, mangalsutra and her “SS” necklace, colored bangels along with the precious ones for both of them… with the last red touch on her hairline he finishes his task silently, he asks her:
“- let’s have lunch before going, okey?”
As he’s about moving away, she catches his hands making him hug her by her back and frowning, she asks him with a concerned voice:
“- Kya hua, Sanskar?”
He was tensed, despite his smile, he couldn’t lie to her and she didn’t fail to notice how worried he seems, he inspires loudly closing his eyes and nestling his chin in her neck to smell her sweet perfume melted in the freshness of her shower, he confesses:
“- I’m just worried about you, Swara…”
She frowns as he opens his eyes, turning back to him, she caresses his cheeks with her palms reassuring:
“- I’m fine… I swear to you that I’m bilkul fine… Sanskar”
Hoisting on her tiptoes, she kisses his pleated forehead chasing his frown which makes him smile caressing his nose against hers… when she lands back sustained by his hands on her hips, she whispers trying to cover her blush:
“- food?”
“- sure…”
Sanskar has arranged a small picnic in her office near the glass wall and enjoying the beautiful view, they have their lunch discussing about business, the academy future and her ideas about the projects she handled in his absence… it was weekend they have no risk to be disturbed here, but Swara started worrying about family.
“- don’t worry, princess… they know we’re somewhere together, of course I avoided to precise where because knowing them, they would already have disembarked here!”
Her loud laugh fills the place at his sincerely horrified expression imagining them all coming asking for them… he faints vexed:
“- arey! Why are you laughing? Do you know how many times they came in inappropriate moment???”
She laughs more as he starts mimicking every member of his family:
“- HEY CHOREE… where are you?… ma and her improbable prayer’s times or kitchen affairs!… SWARAAA… the drama queen you have for sister who always wants to tell you something! SWARA beta! Come down please… Bade Ma and her endless worries and questions… SWARA BETA… dawae… like if there no one to give his pills to Bade Papa…”
“- bas… bas… pagal!”
She couldn’t laugh more as her stomach was aching and forcing him to stop, she stuffs a huge piece of food in his mouth shocking him.
When they have finished, Sanskar proposes her checking her paperwork while he’ll clear the rests… she exclaims dramatically:
“- are wah, Mr Maheshwari… house huby while wife is working out?”
He replies on the same tone:
“- kya karo… I married a princess!”
*-*-*
Sanskar, as gentleman as always, opens the door side to Swara and even buckle her belt tightly like if she would be escaping if he does not, she shakes her head smiling in disbelief, he smiles back looking to her for a moment before he closes the door. Taking a deep breath looking around for a while, he finally goes to the driver side to take his seat.
But at the las moment he excuses himself returning back in the building:
“- I forgot my keys… I’ll be back”
It took him few minutes to be back and as he starts the engine, he feels Swara’s hand over his, he turns toward her frowning interrogatively.
“- are you OK, sanskar? You seem tensed…”
Her worried face forces him to print a small smile on his lips replying:
“- I’m fine, Swara… Don’t worry… I’m just thinking about work, you know… I wonder if it’s not too much for Laksh to handle alone”
She frowns surprised asking:
“- aren’t you going back to work?”
He shakes his head displeased; he didn’t want to talk about this…
“- I’m taking some more time, I want to take care of you princess…”
As she tries to argue with him, he points a finger at her face his eyes on the road in front of him:
“- it’s not a discussable matter Mrs. Maheshwari!”
She’s a bit disappointed at his bad mood after the wonderful night and morning they hade, feeling like about crying, she looks in the opposite side through the window to the changing decor engulfing them in the urban zones toward the city.
Feeling his hand over hers after a moment, she snatches them from him refusing to look back, but he smiles repeating his gesture… This time she doesn’t jerk his hand away, just keeps looking to her side of road, his voice seems a bit sad when he explains:
“- would you go to work if I had some fever?… Nahi na?”
After a small pause, he feels her hug his arm taking a deep breath; she says feeling stupid to blame him for his care to her:
“- sorry… Didn’t want you to worry for, that’s all”
“- sorry too… Didn’t want to be rude”
She says nothing as she seems about to sleep, he turns on the radio to fill the emptiness of the atmosphere between them with music…
Smiling she lets go of his arm avoiding to distract him from the road and leaning back on her seat comfortably, she closes her eyes letting the first notes of the beautiful song tell her helplessness face to him… To his love… To his protectiveness…
*-*-*-*-*
You can hear the song here:
*-*-*-*-*
Umirem, mislim na te
(I’m dying, I’m thinking about you)
Mm mm mm m
Da li znaš, moj dilbere
(Do you know, my dearling)
Tebe ja, sada, ne vidim uz sebe (2x)
(I cannot see (find) you beside me (by my side), now )
Pogledaj, ja želim te
(Look (at me), I want you)
But Sanskar feels like the lyrics were betraying his own state… He recalls in flashbacks the day just before.
Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai
(This is the voice of my helplessness)
Bas chal raha na iss ghadi
(I can’t do anything in this moment)
Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai
(This is the voice of my helplessness)
Bas chal raha na iss ghadi
(I can’t do anything in this moment)
He had spent long hours at hospital, meeting the obstetrician, the hematologist, the nutritionist and most important, the cancer specialist… Separately first then in consolatory… Swara’s file had to be reexamined at the new situation, he asked endlessly about all small details from diagnosis to treatment, from reasons the chances of cure, from past therapy to what to do next…
Ras hasrat ka nichod doon
(I want to squeeze out the juice of my intense longing)
Kas baahon mein aa tod doon
(Let me break it in my arms)
Chaahoon kya jaanu naa
(What I want, I don’t know)
Chheen loon chhod doon
(Should I snatch You away or should I leave You)
Iss lamhe kya kar jaaun
(What shoud I do in this moment)
Iss lamhe kya kar jaaun
(What should I do in this moment)
Iss lamhe kya kar doon jo mujhe chain mile aaraam mile
(What should I do in this moment that I find peace and relaxation)
Visiting similar cases of patients, he was horrified to see the effect of this terrible illness on them… loss of hair, severe anemia, choking tiredness… Last state cancerous made him feel like wishing to die before seeing his Swara in that pain… Wishing to kill her if it would put an end to the unbearable sore…
Aur ho… Aur ho
(Even more… Even more)
Saans ka shor ho aanch bhi aur badhe
(The sound of the breath, the intensity of the flame)
Aur ho… Aur ho
(Even more… Even more)
Saans ka shor ho taap bhi aur chadhe
(The sound of the breath, the heat should rise)
Aur ho… Aur ho
(Even more… Even more)
Aur mile hum aur bhi jal jaaye
(We meet again and burn ourselves a bit more)
Tujhe pehli baar main milta hoon har dafaa
(I meet You for the first time, every time)
He recalls the doctors’ words explaining that stopping her therapy since months has many consequences, by the time they’re talking, cancerous cellules are circulating in her veins… Day after day, they’re duplicating and soon external effects on her body would appear…
Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai
(This is the voice of my helplessness)
Tujhe chheen loon ya chhod doon
(Should I snatch You away or should I leave You)
Maang loon yaa mod doon
(Should I ask for You or should I twist You around for another way)
Iss lamhe kya kar jaaun
(What should I do in this moment)
Iss lamhe kya kar doon jo mujhe chain mile aaraam mile
(What should I do in this moment that I find peace and relaxation)
Aur ho… Aur ho
(Even more… Even more)
Saans ka shor ho aanch bhi aur badhe
(The sound of the breath, the intensity of the flame)
Aur ho… Aur ho
(Even more… Even more)
Saans ka shor ho taap bhi aur chadhe
(The sound of the breath, the heat should rise)
Aur ho… Aur ho
(Even more… Even more)
Aur mile hum aur bhi jal jaaye
(We meet again and burn ourselves a bit more)
Tightening his hold on the wheel, Sanskar memories continue flowing in his mind in flashbacks…
FLASHBACK
Roaming in the cancer service different corridors, Sanskar refused to let the sadness gaining every spore of his soul submerge him, showing pity is last he wanted… Those persons don’t need that in their situation.
Dr Sharma has been called for an emergency and continuing his visit aimlessly, he’s surprised to feel someone pulling on his pants, looking down a smile appear on his lips at the beautiful angel facing him:
“- uncle… May I have a pen please?”
The little angel was a small cute girl with a perfect round face and huge eyes recalling him his Swara, he offers her his pencil saying:
“- sure… Keep it”
She looks to the black pen with scripted citation in golden letters with childish wonder, then to the big card in hands and thinking for a moment, she signals him to bend down. When he does waiting for her to tell him something, he’s surprised to see her disappear behind him, she just wanted to use his back to write on her card.
He shakes his head smiling widely… If he and Swara have a girl she’ll turn him nuts by such cuteness…
“- hogaya! Thank you uncle… She faces him again showing her artistic oeuvre “love you mummy” with lot of hearts and colored balloons…
She just added a signature, a lovely name “hope”
“- do you think she’ll like it”
“- no I don’t think so…”
He sees her turn the drawing toward her disappointed.
“- hey…”
She looks up to him, her small face expressing sadness , he smiles to her saying:
“- she’ll LOVE it”
The little girl giggles happily asking him to bend down again, when he gives her his back thinking that she’ll write something else, she runs around him and prints a swift kiss on his cheek before running away calling enthusiastically
“- papa!!!!”
His heart melts at the squealed word imagining that he’ll hear it one day too…
Main hasrat mein ek uljhi dor huaa
(I am twisted like a string in this grief)
Suljha de ho ho…
(Come release me)
Main dastak hoon
(I’m like a knock (on the door))
Tu bandh kiwaado sa
(And You are like a closed lock)
Khul ja re ho
(Open Up)
O bebasi mann mein basi
(This helplessness found its way to my heart)
Aa Jeete jeete jee le sapna
(Let this dream of mine win)
Aur ho… Aur ho
(Even more… Even more)
Saans ka shor ho aanch bhi aur badhe
(The sound of the breath, the intensity of the flame)
Aur ho… Aur ho
(Even more… Even more)
Saans ka shor ho taap bhi aur chadhe
(The sound of the breath, the heat should rise)
Aur ho… Aur ho
(Even more… Even more)
Aur mile hum aur bhi jal jaaye
(We meet again and burn ourselves a bit more)
A bit further, he sees her showing the card to her father talking and giggling, but the man facing her doesn’t reply, he just shakes his head expressing a no…
Dr Sharma comes out of the room and even his heart was screaming to run away, his feet drags him nearer …
what he saw behind the window shocked him… A young woman asleep an artificial respiration tube plunging in her mouth and lot of medical stuff running over her covered body… The most shocking was her huge belly the covert couldn’t hide…
“- her leukemia was diagnosed at last state, she had more than six months of pregnancy…”
Dr sharma’s voice startles him… She adds as he looked back to the little girl and her father:
“- she slipped in coma this morning…”
The silhouette of the little girl named Hope disappears in the corridor, her card and his pen where lying on the ground in front of the closed door.
END OF FLASHBACK
Ruke se naa ruke
(It won’t stop on stopping)
Ye naa thake
(It won’t get tired)
Aandhi si jo chale inn saanso ki
(This breath that is like the wind)
Pata bhi naa chale kahaan pe kya jale
(No one knows where what is burning)
Hai darr se, tann-mann ki, siharan se, Hasrat ki, sulgan se
(Because of fear of body and soul, there is a shiver, there is grief, there is ignition)
Bhadke aur
(It blasts and)
Stopping at a red light, Sanskar looks aside to Swara who seems sleeping peacefully a cute smile drawing her lips, the same feeling submerges him replaying the scene again and again in his memory.
Hope was like the incarnation of his trust in fate, his trust that nothing can happen to his Swara and her broken state when she disappeared in the corridor broke that trust in million of pieces and he could see himself.. Some months later… Losing everything just like her!
His vision blurs with as heavy tears as heavy as the guilt pressing his heart…
“- maaf kar do princess…”
He whispers letting his tears flow over his cheeks. A flashback from his next conversation with the doctor emerged from the dark side of his conscious he kept hidden till now…
Shola shola Jale bujhe dhuaan dhuaan
(Fireballs are burning and then smoking)
O dhuaan dhuaan
(Oh this smoke)
Lage mujhe dhuaan dhuaan o
(I am feeling it all)
FLASHBACK
“- it’s inadmissible Mr Maheshwari!!!”
The good doctor was shouting at the top of her voice in her office. Sanskar shouts back:
“- what’s inadmissible is that as a doctor you’re seeing her drag herself to death and do nothing!”
“- you can’t take such decisions like that… This baby is hers too…”
“- this is baby nahi… This is a fetus decreasing her surviving chance by 75%!”
“- what do you want me to do… Swara is fully conscious and can take her own decisions… If you, her husband, can’t change her mind, what do you expect me to do?”
“- your job of doctor… Save her!”
“- say practical things Sanskar! My hands are tied… You convince her and I’ll do my job”
“- I can’t… I… I can’t…”
Sanskar making some steps around in the small space like a lion in cage, he roars angrily:
“- look doctor ! You have to do it…. I’ll give you all needed covers, her signature and presence”
“- have you gone mad? I’m her doctor, I can’t break her trust that way! Neither you… She’ll never forgive you… And I’ll lose myself respect”
“- self respect or her life… My couple or her life… Choice are simple”
END OF FLASHBACK.
Sanskar parks the car in front of the hospital gates recalling that he finished by convince the doctor, by menaces and promises, today Swara herself will ask to stop the pregnancy.
He looks aside again caressing her hair back her ear thinking:
“- you’ll never let the baby suffer, Swara… If you think that his life means endless suffering due past therapy, you’ll be clement enough for him… Clement enough for me….”
Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai
(This is the voice of my helplessness)
Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai
(This is the voice of my helplessness)
Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai
(This is the voice of my helplessness)
At the moment he stops the motor, Swara opens her eyes smiling and he immediately turns to the other side wiping his eyes hastily. He hears her alarmed voice:
“- Sanskar!… Hospital..!!!”
He plasters a wide smile on his lips and looks back to her reassuring:
“- don’t worry princess… Just a check up, you didn’t come to doctor since the first visit”
She frowns not convinced, when he takes her hands in his, he discovers that she’s trembling, caressing her cheek, he says calmly:
“- Swara, we can’t just act like if you aren’t ill, i came here yesterday to talk with doctors we have to make checkups both for you and the baby… ”
She smiles correcting him:
“- the nahi…. OUR baby!”
His heart aches at the word… His smile fades briefly shiver running over his body. But he composes himself instantly smiling again:
“- our baby!”
*-*-*
In the doctor’s office…
Swara who was laying on the consultation bed, clutches Sanskar’s fingers at the moment her doctor is about putting the ultrasound probe on her belly.
His eyes meeting the doctor’s worried look, he recalls taking a moment before joining his wife in to give the signed papers to the doctor nodding to her meaningfully.
“- Sanskar… Don’t be so anxious… You’ll see, everything will be fine… Hai na doctor?”
Swara keeps looking in Sanskar’s eyes worried about his anxiety, she’s startles at the coldness of the gel her doctor displays on her tummy startling him too, she smiles to his alarmed face saying:
“- relax! It’s normal…”
He has a contrite smile back sweat pearling at his forehead when the doctor puts the instrument over her belly… She adjusts the position looking at the screen facing her and suddenly a strange sound comes out filling the plunged in silence room…
Sanskar asks panicked:
“- what’s that doctor!? Kya hua!!!”
“- s… Sanskar…”
Swara’s strangled with tears voice makes him clutch her fingers tighter, he asks again worriedly :
“- tell us doctor!!”
Dr Sharma turns the screen toward them smiling:
“- Mr and Mrs Maheshwari… Meat your baby… What you’re hearing right now is his heart beats…”
Both Swara and Sanskar feel like forgetting how to breath, the screen shows a mass of white fog with a small form where a point was contracting in rhythm with the dhak dhak sound… Swara burst out crying her tears contrasting with the beautiful smile stretching her lips, she just couldn’t take off her eyes from the screen… When she feels Sanskar’s arms wrap her tenderly , she finally looks back to him only to find his face as drowned with tears as hers… She wipes his cheeks laughing which forces a smile on his face and he cups her face in his bending down to print a kiss on her forehead… they just plunge in each other embrace not aware anymore about the doctor’s presence.
“- I love you Sanskar!”
Swara’s whisper in his ear makes him hug her tighter blowing in a hidden kiss in her hair a:
“- I love you too my princess…”
When Sanskar opens his eyes, he almost chokes landing back from the ninth cloud as he meets the doctor’s interrogative eyes… His gaze fixes the animated screen for while… And suddenly, he feels like the world has stopped turning around waiting for his last decision as he hears Swara murmuring in his ear:
“- thank you prince… Thank you so much”
TO BE CONTINUED…