SWASAN: If this is your love, my Prince… Then, please (hate) trust me! [28]

Swara and Sanskar reach Maheshwari Mansion at the moment the family is about gathering for dinner. They’re warmly welcomed by Ragini whose face lighten up seeing them coming in and takes Swara’s hands in hers asking:
“- you’re finally back? Everything fine?”
Swara nods to her smiling weakly, she replies seeing her sister’s questioning eyes:
“- wo… ha… of course, we just went to Badi, I needed to talk with Ma”
Frowning, Ragini’s eyes search for Sanskar’s look which was avoiding to land on anyone’s face; he excuses himself going up for freshening up before diner.
Sujatta who was coming from kitchen a plate in hands exclaims joyfully:
“- arey chore! You’re here? Where is Sanskar?… thanks God you haven’t been caught in the storm, it started raining just now”
Swara smiles to her replying:
“- hm… ha… thanks God… Sanskar is up freshening a bit before diner… I’ll help you setting the table…”
She starts going to kitchen making all the present women yelling to stop her, Ragini makes turn back to the living room:
“- Nahi, Swara… you take a seat… diner will be served in few minutes…”
Sujatta holds her elbow making her walk with her:
“- arey Swara! When will you finish by understand… come here… challo… take your seat”
“- but Mom…”

Annapurna who was already at table, asks for her:
“- Swara beta… come here… please”
Defeated, she finishes by agreeing and walks toward her chair, when she’s about pulling it back, Sanskar’s hand startles her stopping her movement, his hand covering hers, she looks up to him and he just smiles to her pointing at her chair with his chin as he pulls it back installing her comfortably.
Diner time passes very slowly for both of them, silent and smiling absent mindedly anytime someone addresses them, their plates where almost full at the end and when he helps her leaving the dinner table, she stops him as he wants to accompany her up… to his interrogative gaze, she replies smiling faintly:
“- you said that you need to talk about some paperwork with Laksh’, hai na?”
He doesn’t move, staring her pale face for a while, but she again smiles reassuringly her hand pressing his:
“- Don’t worry Sanskar… I’m fine… you do your work and come back quickly, I don’t want to you to neglect your work for me, ok?”
He shakes his head agreeing emotionlessly and she does to same before making a sign aside with her head asking him to go. He finally gives her a small smile before turning his back walking away.

At the moment he couldn’t see her anymore, she takes a deep breath feeling tears submerging her, but she composes herself rapidly smiling back to her sister who just came back from kitchen after clearing the table.
As her usual since she’s pregnant, she lets her sister’s hand guide her up to her room. No one knows how much she became scared from stairs since her first miscarriage, she’s almost feeling like that at anytime, she’ll fall and this why she playfully challenged Ragini to help her whenever she wants going up or down, saying that pregnant, she wants to have some favors.
Ragini who noticed how strange were both Sanskar and Swara since they were back, asks her adding a pillow behind her back:
“- kya hua Swara?”
Swara just nods smiling at her, but Ragini frowns stretching her hand to her face wiping a pearling tear at her eye’s corner. Swara palms her hand lovingly looking finally straight in her eyes and when Ragini asks again worriedly sitting at her side :
“- Swara !?”
Shocked, she’s replied with Swara plunging in her embrace crying inconsolably like she never saw her before…
*-*-*
Laksh’ who comes to the home’s office looking for Sanskar is surprised not finding him. He dials his number calling him only to hear the ringtone coming from the desk… sighing, he shaking his head saying:
“- he surely went up to check on Swara…”
He takes place in front of his laptop, checks some mails and ends a report for the following day’s meeting… time flow rapidly whenever he’s immersed in work.
When thunder growls out, he finally looks up from his screen as the widows pans where making a deafening sound in there dance under the wind’s effect.
When he’s about closing them, a vision from outside makes him shout alarmed:
“- SANSKAR!!!”
*-*-*

Ragini hug Swara tightly trying to console her caressing her hair in vain, she asks her trying to not cry too:
“- kya hua Swara… talk to me… tell me what happned?”
Swara breaks the hug looking back to her bedside table, she picks up Sanskar’s photo and caresses it tears drowning the glass framing it…
“- I’m so bad Ragini… so… so bad…”
She sobs badly alarming her sister who tries to calm her down:
“- don’t say that, Swara… what happened… what are you talking about…”
Swara looks up to her finally and says on a blank tone:
“- today Ragini… today… I wished have already been dead…”
Shocked by her words, Ragini folds her in her arms abruptly shouting:
“- DON’T SAY THAT AGAIN… EVER… YOU HEAR ME…”
*-*-*
“- Sanskar!!!”
Laksh stands in front of his brother who was sitting on the marbled poolside drenched by the heavy rain so much that his clothes were forming a second glacial skin on him… he looks to his right hand holding some fading soaked papers then to his left hand clutching a bottle…
“- what the hell Sanskar! Have you gone mad? what are you doing here, bhai?”
Sanskar takes a sip from his bottle smirking before standing up trying to not fall back shocking his brother, Laksh’ asks him dragging on his elbow to make him look back to him as he was walking away:
“- alcohol! At home!? Have you lost it!??? When have you started drinking? What if Swara sees you like that?”
Sanskar laughs looking back to him and shakes his head making his hair throw rain’s pearls at his brother’s face, supporting his uncertain posture a hand on his shoulder, he says looking up too him his eyes reddened from wine and tears:
“- it’s some of the things you skipped during your six months missing drama, Lucky… alcohol… home… Swara knowing about that… though she would be scolding me like hell if she sees me… like she always did! You’ll not tell her, na?”
He was drunk… completely and miserably high… taking another sip, he starts walking away when Laksh’ stops him asking:
“- what are you doing, Sanskar?… Swara needs you and all you do is putting yourself in this state… how dare you!?… don’t you have shame?”
Sanskar smiles tears shining in his eyes as, he says pointing out his bottle:
“- exactly, bhai!… exactly… I was here for God knows how much time searching to analyze what I’m feeling, you just found it in few seconds… SHAME! It’s the world I was searching…”
Laksh’ frowns getting angrier seeing him drink again, he snatches the bottle from his hand yelling:
“- ENOUGH!!! You’ll come with me inside and fresh up… we’ll talk when you’ll sober!”
“- AREY! I’m sober… I was actually trying hard to dis-sober… but this liquor was unsuccessful… take it away… no… you go away and give it back to me… I’ll… I’ll… arey… give the damn bottle back, Lucky!”
Sanskar was trying to take the bottle back but he wasn’t steady enough, he almost falls if his brother’s hand doesn’t sustain him up, Laksh throws the bottle away breaking it on the ground then takes him by his shoulders shaking him looking straight in his eyes:
“- deko… I don’t know what you’re trying to prove right now, but you should stop and go…”
“- bla… bla… bla…”
Sanskar stops him mocking his worried tone, he tapes playfully his cheek saying:
“- what I should do or shouldn’t, you my dear little brother should be the last to tell me…”
“- which means?”
Sanskar shakes his head taping his cheek again before making a step back saying:
“- leave it, talking about this now is no use, hai na?”
Frowning, Laksh’says sternly:
“- if blaming me for Swara’s state will help you, do it bhai… if accusing me for your baby loss will make you feel better, I agree… it’s all my fault… may be if I didn’t disappear for six months…”
“- shhhhh!!!”
Sanskar mimes the silencing sign stopping him again, he closes his eyes the whole six months drama memories playing on speed mode in his brain, when he opens them, he whispers:
“- six months… six f***** months, Lucky!”
“- I’m so…”

He points his finger at his brother’s face silencing him again and plunges his hand in his pocket taking out the notebook, turning it’s marked pages unaware of the still rain drenching it, he raises in front of his brother’s face saying:
“- six months are all what the doctor’s could promise as living days for mere Swara, Lucky… with a baby, without chemotherapy… do you remember?”
Laksh’ looks away feeling tears submerging him, but Sanskar grips his jaw making him look back to him:
“- kya hua? Feeling guilty?… you shouldn’t break the bottle then… you could join me!”
Laksh jerks his hand away taking him by his shoulders and says:
“- what the need of all this, Sanskar… Swara will get her treatment and she’ll be fine… and drowning yourself in guilt isn’t what she’s in need of…”
Sanskar smiles as tears flow over his cheeks when he replies:
“- I don’t feel guilty, Lucky… remember… I feel ashamed…”
He palms his eyes trying to stop his unwanted tears vainly, then pushing his brother away, he resumes his first position sitting on the poolside, Laksh was about asking him again to go inside when he starts talking:
“- do you remember the heartless bhai who fooled you in the past?… acting mad… playing cheap tricks… today… he’s back! And just like he fooled Swara then… he did again… today, I looked in my wife’s eyes and lied without blinking… I manipulated her and took her to hospital faking a simple medical checkup for a pregnant when I had planned it all… I did it all, Lucky… all… blackmailed the good doctor, inserted needed papers in her files for signature…”
He looks to the remaining pieces of the papers he’s holding in his hand recalling himself observing her secretly when she was signing some academic paperwork… then how he took them when he returned back to her office searching them…
He smirks continuing:
“- you should have seen the poor doctor’s face when I clearly asked her to fool Swara… saying that the baby had some past chemotherapy’s sequels and it’ll cause endless pain after his birth… then Swara would be the one asking for abortion… priceless!”
Wiping his nose childishly he continues as Laksh’ sits at his side, he puts a hand over his shoulder listening to him silently…
“- she shouted that she’ll not betray her patient’s trust… what a joke? I’m the betrayer here, not her… I’m the cheater in the story…”
Palming his eyes again to stop the flow of tears blurring his vision, he continues a sardonic smile on his lips:
“- you know what?… I didn’t care if Swara would finish by know the truth and kick me out of her life… I didn’t care about being a baby killer…”
Looking up to his brother whose tears where endlessly drowning his sad face, he chokes trying to gulp some needed air:
“- ha little bhai… MY BABY KILLER…”
His gaze roams around aimlessly recalling the moment the doctor started checking Swara and her hand tightly holding his, the sound, the image… he closes his eyes trying to erase that moment from his life… spreading his fingers over his chest trying to calm down his racing heart, he continues panting:
“… the doctor was there… waiting for my last decision… like if daring me a last time if I was really able to do it… but…”
With a small laugh, he shakes his head in disbelief saying:
“- she doesn’t know me… she doesn’t know to what extend I can go for my Swara… for my… my princess… my childish child’s mother…”
Recalling in flashbacks the little girl he met in hospital… Hope whose hope broke at her mother’s room door… the woman’s round belly… Swara laying on the doctor’s checking bed, her discovered yet flat belly… the sound… the image… the doctor’s questioning eyes:
“- I could do anything… even betraying her trust”
Suddenly he breaks down totally plunging in his brother’s embrace crying, his discontinued flow of words echoing in the dark night:
“- but I… I… COULDN’T!!!… I COULDN’T, LUCKY…”
*-*-*
“- no Ragini… you don’t understand… I would prefer being dead before betraying my Sanskar!”
This time Ragini breaks the hug taking her sister’s face in her hands and asking:
“- what are you talking about, Swara?”
Swara starts narrating to her sister how she received a call from her doctor in the morning when she was waiting for Sanskar in the car…

FLASHBACK
“- Swara… you see what are consequences of your decisions? You know that if he’ll bring adequate papers, I’ll proceed to the abortion you’ll agree or not?… he’s having your delegating signature about anything… anything…”
The doctor’s angry voice was like a glacial water thrown over Swara, after the beautiful date she had with Sanskar… she’s landing abruptly from the dreamy land she was and she needed all her forces to not just break down feeling like he did all that just for this… the doctor’s voice snatches her from her morose thoughts again:
“- what are you deciding Swara?… if you’ll refuse, I’ll disengage my responsibility on your case, I can’t bear this…”
Seeing Sanskar opening the main door of the Academy coming back, his hands checking the papers forms in his vest, she sees him stop briefly closing his eyes and feels just the same helplessness he was feeling in this tragic situation… she whispers in her phone:
“- do as he asks, doctor… today, I’ll not stop him!”
Her voice trails off as she feels submerged by her tears; she stops the doctor at the last moment before hanging off asking her:
“- can I ask you one last favor?”
END OF FLASHBACK
*-*-*
In the garden…
Sanskar breaks the hug standing up, he turns his back to Laksh’s shocked face and says:
“- I could kill anyone… even you… even my baby… but… but you tell me, Lucky … how could I kill the light of hope in Swara’s heart… how could I darken the brightness of joy I saw in her eyes…”
He closes his eyes his lips trembling at the memory of her saying “OUR BABY” when they reached hospital… her “trust me” reasons in his head and heart again, when he opens his eyes, he feels like the décor was spinning around him and it’s Laksh hand who supports him from falling again, he recalls the moment the doctor started her checkup… his scrabbled confessions make his brothers cry as much as him:
“- I was so sure of myself… so confident… but… suddenly… suddenly… when we heard his heart beats… when we saw that tiny life breathing inside her… when she thanked me for God knows what apart killing her… I lost it all… my courage… my determination… I… I lost her Lucky… ”
He finally falls to the ground on his knees feeling completely forceless… Laksh puts a knee on the ground near to him asking:
“- don’t do this to yourself, Sanskar… she’s here, alive and waiting for you… don’t lost hope, remember what you said yesterday…”
*-*-*
In Swasan’s room…
“- kyu!!! Why did you that Swara!? Why don’t you accept to spare your life?… see you state… see what lying on Sanskar caused you? What will you feel in some months when your cancer’s effects start appearing… how will you bear to see Sanskar’s state at that!?”
Ragini was shocked that it was Swara who asked the doctor to put the sound on so Sanskar could hear the baby’s heart beats and show him the animated image of their living baby…
Swara wipes her tears inspiring before replying calmly:
“- I will bear it, Ragini… I can bear anything… but I can’t bear making him a killer… not our child’s killer”
Looking down to his image in her hands, she caresses his face a faded smile brushing her swollen with tears lips:
“- the night before Uttra’s marriage, I touched the bottom… Sanskar’s hatred was more hurting that the poison chemotherapy flows in my veins… and all I could blame is myself and my decisions… I felt like never fight again, just let go of everything, my couple, my cure, my hopes… everything… then somehow in circumstances I didn’t even remember… in an unexpected moment… our love blossomed again… this baby is its fruit, Ragini”
Looking up to her sister whose face was as drowned by tears as her, she pleads:
“-… this baby entered my life at its ending… blowing some more breaths in it… he’s not some assembled cellules menacing my body like my cancer… as you all are thinking… he’s a soul… a heart beat… a life!”
Looking back down to Sanskar’s photo, she adds:
“- I wanted Sanskar to preserve him instead of me… because, even if I’ll go… our love will live if this baby’s life… and mere Sanskar will survive by this remaining love…”
*-*-*
Later in the night…
Sanskar enters his room with unsteady steps, he walks to his bedside’s table and puts the notebook in the drawer before throwing himself on the bed unable to even open his eyes properly… Swara’s voice makes him frown when he’s almost asleep:
“- SANSKAR!!!”
She just walked out from washroom and was shocked to see him soaked from toe to head… she runs to the closet taking a towel and returns to him:
“- what happened? Where have you been? Hwo could you be…”
As she’s making him sit up, he laugh heartily saying:
“- GOD!! I missed this scolding Swara!”
She gets angrier starting the difficult task of wiping his hair…
“- you find it funny? And you’re DRUNK!!!”
He laughs more making her feel uneasy with the smell of alcohol… she throws the towel at his face and starts walking away but he grips her hands pulling on it so she lands on his lap all her heair covering her face… she tries to look away but he doesn’t allow her that, he just starts clearing her face from her hair locks putting them behind her ear:
“- sorry princess… your prince is missing in war tonight… he sent his drunken knight…”
Unwillingly, a smile draws her lips at his childish tone, she’s still a bit angry on him:
“- fine… mister knight… tell your prince that his princess is asking him to stay their back in his war… and you can go and join him…”
Profiting of his inactivated reaction gestures, she escapes him and goes to her side of bed… in her heart, she feels bad knowing that she’s the reason of his state… at the moment she sits in her place, she surprised of Sanskar’s face close to her, his murdered eyes detailing her face’s features, he says sternly:
“- you were crying…”
She moistens her lips gulping hardly, she had washed her face erasing the marks of her tears after Ragini’s departure… he adds focusing on her lips:
“- your lips look different when you’ve been crying…”
Passing his thumb on them, he asks:
“- why I always finish by making you cry, Swara?… do you know how chocking is this feeling?”
She confesses honestly:
“- don’t let me and go away and I’ll not cry again…”
She sees tears form in his red eyes making her widen her eyes shocked, it wasn’t meant to sadden him… he has always been happy to know that she misses him… clutching her hands in his, he begs her trails of tears forming on his cheeks:
“- YOU DON’T LET ME AND GO AWAY, PRINCESS…”
Landing in her lap, he gathers himself like a small child in his mother’s lap and asks her to sing for him in a broken with tears voice…
Wiping her own tears, she puts a hand on his head soothing him as her melodious voice fills their small cocoon …
Nain jeena tere baajhon, nain jeena!
Nain jeena tere baajhon, nain jeena!

Main tenu samjhawan ki,
Na tere baajhon lagda jee!
Tun ki jaane pyar mera,
Main karaan intezar tera!
Tun dil, tunhion jaan meri!
Main tenu samjhawan ki,
Na tere baajhon lagda jee!
Main tenu samjhawan ki(repeat)
Main tenu samjhawan ki(repeat)

Won’t live without you! Won’t live!
Won’t live without you! Won’t live!

How do I explain to you?
Without you, my heart is anxious!
What would you know about my love!
I am waiting for you.
You are heart, you are my life!
How do I explain to you(repeat)
How do I explain to you(repeat)

*-*-*
Sanskar’s memories flow back to the first time she sung this song to him… teaching Kisan how to sing… how he fought then to bring her back… tears beams again in his eyes recalling her hate toward liars… and today he lied to her… he feels her hand wipe his tears at his closed eyes’ corners… he’s unable to face her after all what happened… he hopes alcohol will drown him until drugging his conscious but yet… he’s so fool… here she is… her voice, her hand… her presence… it’s all he needs… take even the oxygen away, he’ll survive just in her embrace like in this moment…
*-*-*
Mere dil vich reh k,
Mere dil da haal na jaane!
Tere baajhon kalleyan beh k ronde nain nimaane!
Jeena mera haye marna mera,
Naale tere c!
Kar aitbar mera,
Main karaan intezar tera!
Tun dil, tunhion jaan meri!
Main tenu samjhawan ki,
Na tere baajhon lagda jee!
Main tenu samjhawan ki,
Na tere baajhon lagda jee!

Even when you stay within my heart,
Still you don’t know a thing about condition of my heart!
My humble eyes cry sitting alone in the absence of yours!
Me being alive, me being dead,
Both were with you only!
Trust me,
I am waiting for you!
You are heart, you are my life!
How do I explain to you?
Without you, my heart is anxious!
*-*-*
Those times when she was roaming all the day with his bling bling duplicate named Kisan, his happiness knew no boundaries to just see her, hear her voice… breath the same as her…
Days before, Swara was no more… he lost her in front of his own eyes, yet he didn’t believe… the whole world asked him to accept that she’ll never be back… yet she came back even from death… he knows that deep inside, his love to her snatched her soul back even from the death angel himself… his soul claimed then that if he’s still alive, then she’s still alive too… and this will never change…
Somehow, this last thought brings some peace to his ravaged heart at the last notes of the beautiful song and before he could realize that he should be carrying for her instead of inverse, he finally slips in a so missed restful sleep…
*-*-*
Sunjhiyaan sunjhiyaan dil dian galiyaan,
Sunjhiyaan merian baawan!
Aaja terian khashbowan nu,
Labhdiyaan merian saahanvaan!
Tere bina haaye,
Kiven karaan door udasi,
Dil bekarar mera!
Main karan intezar tera!
Tun dil, tunhion jaan meri!
Main tenu samjhawan ki,
Na tere baajhon lagda jee!
Tun ki jaane pyar mera,
Main karaan intezar tera!
Tun dil, tunhion jaan meri!
Main tenu samjhawan ki,
Na tere baajhon lagda jee!

Main tenu samjhawan ki,
Na tere baajhon lagda jee!

Pathways of heart are deserted,
Deserted are these arms of mine!
Come as the redolence of yours,
Is what my breaths are looking for!
Without you oh baby,
How do I overcome sadness?
My heart is restless,
I am waiting for you.
You are heart, you are my life!
What would you know about my love?
You are heart, you are my life!
How do I explain to you?
Without you, my heart is anxious!
What would you know about my love!
I am waiting for you.
You are heart, you are my life!
How do I explain to you?
Without you, my heart is anxious!
*-*-*
The calmness winning his senses as he tightens his hold on her waist comforting his position in her lap more, gains her heart and senses too and soon she joins him in the dream land where a colorful future was being built joyfully…