Swasan – SHE’S NOT FOR ME CHAPTER 14

SWASAN – SHE’S NOT FOR ME
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PREV
Swara’s convo with her family

CHAPTER 14
Sanskaar had spotted Swara the moment he’d entered. She was standing at the far side of the room, chatting with her sisters, wearing a green gown.
And he noticed the instant she left as well, exiting through the door in the left wall, presumably to go to the washroom room, which he knew was just down the hall.
Worst of all, he was quite certain he would be equally aware of her return, even though he was conversing with about a dozen other ladies, all of whom thought he was giving their little gathering his full attention.
It was like a sickness with him, a sixth sense. He couldn’t be in a room with Swara and not know where she was. It had been like this since the moment they’d met, and the only thing that made it bearable was that she hadn’t a clue.
It was one of the things he had most enjoyed about Paris. She wasn’t there; he never had to be aware of her. But she’d haunted him still. His dreams had had only her. Her smile. The raise of her eye brows. Her amused expression. They had followed him there and possessed him completely
It was hell, and usually worthy of a stiff drink.
But that was over, and now he was back in India, and he was surprised by how easy it was to fall into his old role as the devil-may-care charmer.
He turned back to the next woman who had caught him and inwardly rolled his eyes. She was like the tenth girl who had come onto him. He didn’t know what he was feeling about it yet.
He wasn’t quite sure if it was amusing or hell.

Amusing, he decided, for now at least. By next week he had no doubt it would be hell.
After another fifteen minutes of introductions, reintro-ductions, and only slightly veiled booty calls, he announced his intention to locate his hostess and excused himself from the crowd.
And then there she was. Swara. Halfway across the room, of course, which meant that he’d have to make his way through the punishing crowd if he wanted to speak with her. She looked breathtakingly lovely in the green gown, and he realized that for all her talk about buying herself a new wardrobe, this was the first he’d seen her out of her half-mourning colors.
Then it hit him again. She was finally out of mourning. She would remarry. She would laugh and flirt and wear blue and green and red and find a husband.
And it would probably all happen in the space of a month. Once she made clear her intention to remarry, the men would be beating down her door. How could anyone not want to marry her? She might not have been as youth-ful as the other women looking for husbands, but she had something the younger ones lacked—a sparkle, a vivacity, a gleam of intelligence in her eyes that brought something extra to her beauty.
She was still alone, standing in the doorway. Amaz­ingly, no one else seemed to have noticed her entrance, so Sanskaar decided to brave the crowds and make his way to her.
But she saw him first, and although she did not exactly smile, her lips curved, and her eyes flashed with recogni­tion, and as she walked to him, his breath caught.
It shouldn’t have surprised him. And yet it did. Every time he thought he knew everything about her, had un­willingly memorized every last detail, something inside her flickered and changed, and he felt himself falling anew.
He would never escape her, this woman. He would never escape her, and he could never have her.
Sanskaar (whispering) : She’s not for me. She’s not for me. She’s NOT for me.
Swara (reaching him) : I’m sorry. Were you saying something?
Sanskaar (putting on that fake debonair smile) : Nothing at all. By the way, You look lovely today.
Swara looked up at him surprised then nodded graciously.
Swara : Thank you! You look dashing as well.
Sanskaar (dipping his head a little) : That’s to be expected ofcourse.
She smiled then, but it was in an amused sort of fashion, and he had the unex­pected sense that she was mocking him. But there seemed little to be gained by pointing this out; it would only demonstrate how attuned he was to her every expression.
Sanskaar : Enjoying yourself?
Swara : Ofcourse. You?
Sanskaar : Same.
Swara (raising an eyebrow) : Really? Even now, When you’re alone?
Sanskaar : I’m not alone and, what the hell did you mean by that?
Swara (carelessly shrugging) : You seemed to be surrounded by a bevy of women since you entered.
Sanskaar (raising his eyebrow now) : If you saw that, Shouldn’t you have saved me?
Swara (letting out a chuckle) : Come on, Sanskaar! Why would I do that? You were having the time of your life there.
Sanskaar : Is that so?
Swara (rolling her eyes) : Please, Don’t act so innocent. You live to attract and flirt with the ladies.
Sanskaar (his expression unreadable) : Oh really?
Swara : You are the Charming Casanova after all. For the past 7 years and counting…
He felt his jaw clamping together. Her comment ran­kled, and then the fact that it did rankled some more.
She studied his face, closely enough to make him want to squirm with discomfort, and then her own erupted into a smile.
Swara (whispering) : You don’t like it. Oh Gods… You really don’t like it.
She looked as if she’d just experienced an epiphany of immense proportions, but as the whole thing was at his ex­pense, all he could do was scowl.
Then she laughed, which made it even worse.
Swara (chuckling loudly) : You feel like a fox at a hunt, and you don’t like it one bit. Oh, this is simply too much. After all the women you’ve chased…
She had it all wrong, of course. He didn’t much care one way or another that the society had labeled him the biggest catch ever and were pursuing him ac­cordingly. That was just the sort of thing it was easy to maintain a sense of humor over.
He didn’t care if they called him the Charming Casanova. He didn’t care if they thought him a worthless seducer.
But when Swara said the same thing…
It was like acid. His insides felt like they were wrenching apart.
And the worst of it was, he had no one to blame but himself. He had cultivated this reputation for years, spent countless hours teasing and flirting, and then making sure Swara saw, so she would never guess the truth.
And maybe he had done it for himself, too, because if he was the Charming Casanova, at least he was something. The al­ternative was to be nothing but a pathetic fool, hopelessly in love with another man’s wife. And hell, he was good at being the man who could seduce with a smile. He might as well have something in life he could succeed at.
Swara (pleased with herself) : I did warn you about the women though.
Sanskaar (smiling devilishly) : It’s not so bad being surrounded by beautiful women, Swara. (winking at her purposely so that she would get annoyed) And they ALL want to be with me.
It worked, because her face pinched just a bit around the mouth.
Swara : That may be true.. But you can’t play around with these women, Sanskaar.
Sanskaar : I wasn’t aware I “played” around with women.
Swara : You know what I mean. Others may think you’ll seduce anyone of the non-testosterone variety but I know better.
He almost laughed. She thought she knew him so well, but she knew nothing. She’d never know the full truth.
Swara (continuing) : You had standards and honour 4 years ago. I would hate to find you different. You never seduced anyone who would be irreparably hurt by your actions.
Sanskaar’s expression grew grim. His entire body grew stiff with something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He hated that she thought this of him, hated it.
Sanskaar : Why on Earth do you think I’ll seduce someone who shouldn’t be seduced. Do you think I’m that cruel? (Swara moved a step back seeing his intenseness) Or maybe you think I’m stupid. Or careless? What is it, Swara? What do you think of me?
Seeing his ruthless expression, Swara cowered, then spoke gently.
Swara : I think you’re one of the best friends I could have. You’re a great person, Sanskaar!
Damn. Trust her to unman him with a single sentence. He stared at her, just stared at her, trying to figure out what the hell she’d meant by that.
Swara : You are a great person Sanskaar. But you can be fickle and I don’t know if you can make the best choices when it comes to a woman. I think you’re going to break more hearts this summer than I’ll be able to count.
Sanskaar (his voice hard) : It isn’t your duty to count them.
Swara (smiling slightly) : It isn’t. Yet, I’m going to do it anyways.
Sanskaar : And why is that?
She didn’t seem to have an answer to that, and then, just when he was sure she would say no more, she whis­pered.
Swara : Because… Because I won’t be able to stop.
Several seconds passed. They just stood there, their backs to the wall, looking for all the world as if they were just watching the party.
Swara (finally pointing to the crowd) : You have to dance.
Sanskaar : With you?
Swara (nodding) : Once. But you should also dance with someone you could marry. Someone nice and sweet, someone eligible.
Someone he might marry. Anyone but her.
Swara : It will at least show everyone you’re interested in marriage. (receiving no answer) You are, aren’t you?
Sanskaar : Open to matrimony?
Swara : Yes!
Sanskaar (slightly mocking tone) : Whatever you say.
He had to be cavalier. It was the only way he could mask the bitter­ness sweeping over him.
Swara : What about Alia Shah? (pointing to a pretty girl about few feet away) She’d be an excellent choice. Very sensible. She won’t fall in love with you.
Sanskaar looked at her sarcastically.
Sanskaar : May the sky fall on my head if I fall in love.
Swara’s lips parted and her eyes grew very wide.
Swara : Is that what you want? To find love?
She looked delighted by the prospect. Delighted that he might find the perfect woman. And there it was. His faith in a higher power reaf­firmed. Truly, moments of this ironic perfection could not come about by accident.
Swara (prodding) : Sanskaar?
Her eyes were bright and shining, and she clearly wanted something for him, something wonderful and good.
And all he wanted was to scream.
Sanskaar : I don’t know. Not one blo*dy clue.
Swara looked stricken. Sanskaar should have felt something, but for once, he didn’t care.
Swara : Sanskaar…
Sanskaar : I’m sorry. But I think I’m supposed to go find a Miss Shah.
Swara : Sanskaar! What is wrong? What on Earth did I say?
Sanskaar (turning away) : Nothing at all.
Swara : Don’t be like this.
As he turned to her, he felt something wash over him, a numbness that somehow slid a mask back over his face, enabled him to smile smoothly and regard her with his legendary seductive stare. He was once again the casanova, maybe not so charming, but every bit the urbane seducer.
Sanskaar (his lips twisting with the perfect mix of innocence and condescension) : I’m doing exactly what you asked of me. Dance with an eligible woman, didn’t you say? I’m following your instructions to the letter.
Swara (finally realizing the truth and whispering) : You’re angry with me.
Sanskaar denied it immediately but they both knew that he had been too quick and too suave for it to be the truth.
Sanskaar : I’ve just accepted it that you, Swara, know best. Here I’ve been listening to my own mind and conscience all this time, but to what avail? Heaven knows where I’d be if I’d listened to you years ago.
Swara drew back, taken aback.
Swara (in a detached polite tone) : I need to go.
Sanskaar (using the same tone) : Go then.
Swara : There are many men here.
Sanskaar : I can see that.
Swara : I need to find a husband.
Sanskaar : I agree.
Her lips pressed together and she walked away. Two steps later, She turned.
Swara : I might find one tonight.
He almost gave her a mocking smile. She always had to have the last word.
Sanskaar waited until the moment he knew she thought the conversation had concluded.
Sanskaar : You might.
By then she was just far enough away that she couldn’t yell back one last retort. But he saw the way she paused and tensed her shoulders, and he knew she’d heard him.
He didn’t like this feud between the two of them but he couldn’t help himself anymore.
He leaned back against the wall and smiled. One had to take one’s simple pleasures where one could.
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The next day Swara felt perfectly horrid. And worse, she couldn’t quell an extremely annoying quiver of guilt, even though Sanskaar was the one who’d spoken so insult­ingly the night before.
Truly, what had she said to provoke such an unkind re­action on his part? And what right did he have to act so badly toward her? All she had done was express a bit of joy that he might want to find a true and loving marriage rather than spend his days in shallow debauchery. Okay, Maybe he had hurt him by telling him he was fickle, but that certainly didn’t mean he could be so mean towards her.
But apparently she’d been wrong. Sanskaar had spent the entire night—both before and after their conversation— charming every woman at the party. It had gotten to the point where she had thought she might be ill.
But the worst of it was, she couldn’t seem to stop her­self from counting his conquests, just as she’d predicted the night before. One, two, three, she’d murmured, watch­ing him enchant a trio of sisters with his smile. Four, five, six—there went two widows and a divorcee. It was dis­gusting, and Swara was disgusted with herself for having been so mesmerized.

And then every now and then, he’d look at her. Just look at her with a heavy-lidded, mocking stare, and she couldn’t help but think that he knew what she was doing, that he was moving from woman to woman just so that she could round her count up to the next dozen or so.
Why had she said that? What had she been thinking?
Or had she been thinking not at all? It seemed the only explanation. She certainly hadn’t intended to tell him that she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from tallying his bro­ken hearts. The words had whispered over her lips before she’d even realized she was thinking them.
And even now, she wasn’t sure what it meant.
Why did she care? Why on earth did she care how many ladies fell under his spell? She’d never cared before.
It was only going to get worse, too. The women were mad for him. If it weren’t a patriachal society, Swara thought wryly, their drawing room at Maheshwari Mansion would be overflowing with flowers, all ad­dressed to the reformed and renewed Charming CEO.
Swara walked towards the drawing room groaning at the thought of women approaching her everywhere and asking after Mr Maheshwari. They might even come home hoping to glance at Mr hottie CEO.
Swara (still walking) : Hottie CEO? What the hell is wrong with you, Swara? What on Earth are you…… (entering the drawing room) GOOD LORD! What is this?
Flowers. Everywhere.
It was her nightmare come true. Had someone changed the rules of society and forgotten to tell her?
Lilies, Irises, and daisies. Imported tulips. Hothouse orchids. And roses. Roses everywhere. Of every color. The smell was almost overwhelming.
Swara (addressing a footman who was carrying a bouquet) : Why are all these flowers here?
He gave the vase one last adjustment, twisting one pink stalk so that it faced away from the wall, then turned and walked toward her.
Footman : They’re all for you, Ma’am.
Swara (incredulous) : For me?
Footman : Yes. I left the cards on the arrangements so that you would be able to identify each sender.
Swara : Oh!
It seemed all she could say. She felt rather like a simpleton, with her hand over her opened mouth, glanc­ing back and forth at all the flowers.
Footman : Ma’am! Do you want me to bring these bouquets to your room? Ma’am? MA’AM?
Swara shook her head, distracted. She was a widow, for heavens sake. Men weren’t supposed to bring her flowers. Were they?
Swara : It’s alright. I’ll look through them here.
She went and picked up a bouquet of pretty blue irises.
Annapurna : Good Lord! What is this?
Swara saw her mother-in-law enter through the side door and smiled.
Swara : My reaction, precisely.
She handed two bouquets to Annapurna, then watched her carefully as her eyes scanned the neatly handwritten lines.
Ma had lost her only child when Laksh had died. How would she react to Swara being wooed by other men?
Annapurna (looking up from the letters) : Oh my God! You seem to be the catch of the year.
Swara blushed. Blushed? She hadn’t even blushed when she was a young maiden before marrying Laksh.
Swara : I’m too old for that.
Annapurna : Apparently not.
Swara looked at her Ma’s astonished expression and kneeled down in front of her.
Swara : Does it bother you?
Annapurna (smiling sadly) : Do I wish you were still married to my son? Of course. Do I want you to spend the rest of your life married to his memory? Of course not. I may have lost my son, Swara, but I still have my daughter.
Swara had to tell her.Somehow she felt the need to explain it, to make sure that Ma under­stood that what she truly wanted was to be a mother, not necessarily a wife.
Swara : I… I want a child of my own.
Annapurna nodded and kissed Swara’s forehead. She then gestured to the bouquets.
Annapurna : Let’s get started.
She picked up a bouquet of wild roses and opened the card.
Sanskaar : What the hell is this?

The two ladies turned to see Sanskaar catching a vase he’d nearly overturned and looking extremely cross and put out.
Annapurna : Good morning beta!
Sanskaar : What is this? Either we’re opening a flower shop or there’s been a funeral.
Annapurna : We could open one.. But these are for Swara.
Sanskaar (grumbling) : Ofcourse they’re for Swara. Although, wooing someone with roses is just tacky.
Swara : I like roses.
Sanskaar (dismissively) : They’re old and overdone and… Is that a bouquet from Ashish Malhotra?
Swara gazed down at the bouquet in her hand and nodded.
Sanskaar : Please tell me you’re not going to marry him.
Swara : Why not?
Sanskaar : Because he’s on the verge of bankruptcy, that’s why not.
Swara : How do you know that?
Sanskaar : Bad news spreads faster than any disease. You will NOT marry that idiot.
She should have been annoyed by his arrogance, but the truth was, she was mostly just amused.
Swara : Alright. I’ll find someone else.
Sanskaar : You do that.
Annapurna : I’m going to find Sujata. She has to see this.
She turned and hurried up the stairs. Sanskaar sneezed, then glared at a particularly innocu­ous display of daisies.
Sanskaar : Either we get out of this room or the flowers go out.
Swara : Wouldn’t that be rude of us?
Sanskaar : The idiots can handle it.
Swara (smiling) : Are you jealous?
He swung around and nearly leveled her with a dumb­struck expression.
Swara : I didn’t mean over me. Of course I didn’t.
Sanskaar (his voice tight) : Then what?
Swara : Just that you should have received some flowers as well. After all, our goal is common.
Sanskaar : It is?
Swara : Marriage.
Sanskaar : Your point being?
Swara : I don’t know if you had thought about it, but I’d naturally assumed you would be the one to be relentlessly pursued. I never dreamed that I would… Well…
Sanskaar : Be the catch among the ladies?
Swara nodded. For a moment he said nothing, but he was watching her strangely, almost wryly, and then he said, his voice quiet.
Sanskaar : You’re incomparable, Swara. Don’t forget that.
Swara felt her mouth form a surprised oval.
Swara : That’s the nicest thing you could have told me right now. Thank you.
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. She de­cided not to tell him that he’d just deposited a streak of yellow pollen into the black strands. He looked up at her, tired and something else?
Regretful?
No, that was impossible. Sanskaar wasn’t the sort to re­gret anything.
Sanskaar : I am not jealous that you got flowers. I just want you to be happy.
It was the strangest moment, especially after their tense words the night before. She hadn’t the faintest clue how to reply, and so she just changed the subject.
Swara : Your turn will soon come. You’ll be the one to be relentlessly pursued. Last night. I was besieged with far more admirers for your hand than for my own.
He smiled, but the sentiment didn’t quite reach his eyes. He didn’t look angry, just… hollow and miserable.
And she was struck by what a strange observation that was.
Sanskaar : Last night, If I ever told anything to hurt you… I’m sorry.
She watched his face. It was so dear to her, and she knew every last detail of it. Four years, it seemed, did lit­tle to smudge a memory. But something was different now. He’d changed, but she wasn’t sure how.
And she wasn’t sure why.
Swara : Shh.. Everything’s fine.
Sanskaar (turning around and walking away) : Still.. I’m sorry.
But for the rest of the day, Swara wondered if he knew exactly what he was apologizing for. And she couldn’t escape the feeling that she wasn’t sure, either.
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PRECAP : Sanskaar Chapter 🙂
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Guys.. Felt like writing this, So am posting it.. 🙂 🙂
Hope you like it!!!
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