Swasan – SHE’S NOT FOR ME CHAPTER 18

SWASAN – SHE’S NOT FOR ME
Heyy, It’s Anjali back with the next chapter!!!
Thnxx for comments and to my silent readers….
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CHAPTER 17 LINK :
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Sanskaar talks to Sahil.. Sanskaar arrives at Parna

CHAPTER 18
If Swara had to choose between being a coward or a fool, She chose coward.
Because only a fool would have remained in Kolkata— in the same house, even—as Sanskaar Maheshwari after expe­riencing his kiss.
It had been…
No, Swara wouldn’t think about it. When she thought about it, she inevitably ended up feeling guilty and ashamed, because she wasn’t supposed to feel like this about Sanskaar.
Not Sanskaar.
She hadn’t planned to feel desire for anyone. Truly, the most she’d been hoping for with a husband was a mild, pleasant sensation—a kiss that felt nice against the lips but left her unaffected everywhere else.

That would have been enough.
But now… But this…
Sanskaar had kissed her. He’d kissed her, and worse, she’d kissed him back, and since then all she could do was imagine his lips on hers, then imagine them every­where else.
She wouldn’t—No, she couldn’t fantasize about Sanskaar. It was wrong. She would have felt terrible for feeling this kind of desire about anyone, but Sanskaar…
He was Laksh’s cousin. His best friend. Her best friend, too. And she shouldn’t have kissed him.
But, she thought with a sigh, it had been magnificent.
And that was why she’d had to choose coward over fool and run to Parna. Because she had no faith in her ability to resist him again.

She had been here a week now trying to do regular everyday things she could so that she could feel normal.
There was so much to do in Parna. She had to look at the estate grounds, manage the accounts there, visit and fix farmer’s houses and meet her friends. She could easily get lost in the hard work.
The regularity of it should have been soothing, but instead, it just made her restless, and she couldn’t force herself to focus, to center her mind on any one thing.
She was jittery and distracted, and half the time she felt as if she didn’t know what to do with herself—in the most literal and physical sense. She couldn’t seem to sit still, and so she had taken to leaving Maheshwari Cottage for hours on end, strapping on her most comfortable shoes and trekking across the countryside until she was exhausted.
Not that it made her sleep any better at night, but still, at least she was trying.
Right now, She was walking back home after a long sojourn down the hill to a nearby stream. It was slightly far but she welcomed the strenuous activity. She looked up at the darkening sky and wondered how long she had to get home before it rained.

She was almost there. Only about ten minutes of walking but these were the mountains and showers could happen at any moment.
She picked up the pace and ran to the house. She made it just as it started to pour with earnest. Swara wasn’t drenched but she certainly was damp and slightly grimy so she didn’t acknowledge the footman who opened the door for her.
Footman : Ma’am!
Swara (running up the stairs) : Not now, Sallu! I really have to take a bath and get clean.
Sallu : But Ma’am! There’s someone here.
Swara (stopping and frowning) : Who? Aakashi? She told she won’t stop by tonight and I wasn’t expecting anyone else. Who’s our guest?
Sallu : Umm.. Not a guest, Ma’am.
Swara’s confusion cleared. Sanskaar. It had to be. And she couldn’t say she was surprised, not exactly. She had thought he might follow her, although she’d assumed he’d do it right away or not at all. Now, after a whole month, she’d reck­oned she might be safe from his attentions.
Safe from her own response to them.
Swara (sighing) : Where is he?
Sallu : Sanskaar sir?

Swara nodded. Sallu pointed her in the direction of the inner salon and then he left, presumably to do some other work.
Swara turned and began walking to the salon. She felt an unexpected sense of de ja vu. After all merely a few weeks earlier, Sanskaar and she had met the same way in Kolkata. She kept slowing her pace as she walked.
She shouldn’t be dreading this quite so intensely. It was just Sanskaar, for heaven’s sake.
Except she had a sinking feeling that he would never be just Sanskaar ever again.
Thinking about what the hell she would say when she met him, she finally stepped through the doorway of the blue colour inner salon.

He was standing by the window—watching for her, perhaps?—and didn’t turn when she entered. He looked travelworn, with slightly wrinkled clothing and ruffled hair. His back was to her and she couldn’t see his eyes.
She didn’t say his name. She could have done, she sup­posed. She wasn’t buying herself very much time; he would turn around soon enough. But for now she just wanted to take the time to acclimate herself to his pres­ence, to make sure that her breathing was under control, that she wasn’t going to do something truly foolish like burst into tears, or, just as likely, erupt with silly, nervous laughter.
Sanskaar (softly) : Swara!
He’d sensed her presence, then. Her eyes widened, al­though she shouldn’t have been surprised. He always did seem to know where and how she was.
Swara : Yes! (a bit awkwardly) Did you have a nice train ride here?
Sanskaar (turning around) : I couldn’t wait for the train. Came by car.
She swallowed, trying not to notice how handsome he was. He’d quite taken her breath away in Kolkata, but here in Parna he seemed changed. More manly, more Sanskaar-like.
Far more dangerous to her soul.
Swara (trying to stick to practical matters) : Why are you here suddenly? Is something wrong there? Do you have some news?

Sanskaar (taking a step forward) : No. Nothing is wrong. But I do have news which you would know about if you had kept your phone on and checked your emails.
Swara flushed. In her attempt to avoid Sanskaar, she had managed to exclude everyone else too.
Swara : So what’s the news?
Sanskaar : Ragini is engaged to be married.
Swara (surprised) : Ragini Gadodia? My calm sister who swore she will never get married? Wow. That’s amazing news. Who’s the groom?
Sanskaar : Chirag Arora!
Swara (pleased) : I know him. He’s a perfectly nice guy. Thank you for telling me. I’ll call them later.
Sanskaar : They wanted you to know but they didn’t know how to tell.
Swara (muttering to herself) : Couldn’t they have penned a letter or atleast called Akashi?
Swara (out loud) : Well! I’m glad you told me. It’s been so long since the Gadodia parivaar had a wedding. Not since….
Mine, they both realized she’d been about to say.

The silence hung in the room like an unwanted guest.
Swara (stammering) : It.. has been a… long time…. How’s Ma? Excited, I suppose.
Sanskaar : I didn’t exactly get a chance to meet Mishti aunty, but Sahil told me she’s besides herself with happiness.
Swara nodded and smiled. But then the smile disappeared almost immediately as she realised that all topics were exhausted and she didn’t know what to tell.
Swara : Umm.. I’ll go take care of the room arrangements for you. Will you be here long?
Sanskaar (walking towards her) : That depends.
Swara (looking at his intense eyes) : On?
Sanskaar : On you.
He’d halved the distance between them. She knew what he meant, or at least she thought she did, but the last thing she wanted to do just then was ac­knowledge what had transpired in Kolkata, so she backed up a step—which was as far as she could go without actually fleeing the room—and pretended to misunderstand.
Swara : On me? (giving a short laugh) Don’t be silly. This is your house too. You can stay however long you want.
Sanskaar (smiling) : Is that what you think?
And she realized he’d halved the distance between them yet again.
Swara : I’m going to get the room readied for you. I’ll sleep in the other bedroom.
He took another step toward her.
Sanskaar : Stop Swara!
Her eyes flew to his.
Sanskaar (looking at the door behind her) : Close the door.
She glanced backward, even though she knew exactly what she’d see there.
Swara : I.. don’t… think… that’s wise..
Sanskaar : I am!

Staring at his eyes, Swara complied immediately.
She was fairly certain it was a bad idea, but she did it anyway. Whatever he planned to say to her, she didn’t particularly care to have overheard by a fleet of servants.
But once her fingers left the doorknob she scooted around him and into the room, setting a more comfort­able distance and an entire 30 feet between them.
He looked amused by her actions, but he did not mock her for them.
Sanskaar : So, I’ve been thinking a lot since you left Kolkata.
Swara (thinking) : As have I.
Sanskaar : I never meant to kiss you.
Swara (a touch too loudly) : Ofcourse not.. I mean.. It was..
Sanskaar : But now that we have…
Swara winced. Sanskaar wasn’t going to let her forget that she too had participated in the kiss.
Sanskaar : Well, now.. Everything is changed.
She looked up at him then; she’d been quite intently focusing on the brown-and-cream pattern on the sofa. She tried to ignore the way her throat was beginning to tighten.
Swara : Yes!

His fingers wrapped around the mahogany edge of a chair. Swara glanced down at his hands; his knuckles had gone white.
He was nervous, she realized with surprise. She hadn’t expected that. She didn’t know that she had ever seen him nervous before. He was always such a model of urbane elegance, his charm easy and smooth, his wicked wit al­ways a whisper from his lips.
But now he looked different. Stripped down. Nervous. It made her feel… not better, precisely, but maybe not so much like the only fool in the room.
Sanskaar : So, I’ve been thinking a lot since you left Kolkata.
He was repeating himself now. This was very strange.
Sanskaar : I thought about this a lot. and while it sounds strange, it is a really reasonable action. In fact, It’s the best course of action, i feel.
With his every word, she felt more in control, less ill at ease. It wasn’t that she wanted him to feel badly—well, maybe she did; it was only fair after how she’d spent the last month. But there was something rather relieving in the knowledge that the awkwardness was not one-sided, that he’d been as disturbed and shaken as she.
Or if not, at least that he had not been unaffected.

He cleared his throat, then moved his chin slightly, stretching his neck.
Sanskaar (his eyes pouring into her) : Swara! I think we should get married.
What?
Her lips parted.
What?
And then, finally, she said it.
Swara : What?
Not Excuse me, not I’m sorry.. Just a plain what.
Sanskaar : I know it doesn’t make sense now but if you listen to me, you will see it does.
Swara : Are you mad?
Sanskaar (drawing back slightly) : Ofcourse not.
She sat down on the sofa.
Swara : I can’t marry you Sanskaar.
Sanskaar : Why not?

Swara (gaping at him) : Why not? Because… Because… “Because I can’t. For heaven’s sake, you of all people ought to understand the insanity of such a suggestion.
Sanskaar : Come on. I know it doesn’t make sense when you first think about it but just listen to me.
Swara : How can it make sense? I can’t think of anything that makes less sense!
Sanskaar : Just listen! First of all, You’ll have the same name and you don’t have to move.
Convenient, both items, but hardly reason enough to marry Michael, who… well… Michael.
Sanskaar : Mom and Badi Ma would be pleased to have you as a daughter. They would love this. Third, You will be able to enter into the marriage knowing that you will be treated with care and respect. It could take months to reach the same conclusion about another man, and even then, could you really be certain? Early impressions can be deceiving, after all.
She stared at him, trying to see why he wanted to do this. There had to be some reason because what he was suggesting was mad… was… Good God, she wasn’t sure what it was. Was there a word to apply to something that quite simply removed the earth from beneath one’s feet?
Sanskaar (softly) : Last but not the least, You want a baby. I will give you one or atleast I will try.
She blushed. She felt it in an instant, her cheeks turn­ing a furiously hot pink. She didn’t want to imagine herself in bed with him.

Swara got up and stared at him.
Swara (whispering) : What will you get by marrying me?
Sanskaar looked surprised by her query but soon recovered and answered.
Sanskaar : I will gain a wife who knows everything about Maheshwari Industries and all the estates. A wife who will and can help me in everything.
She nodded. Just once, but it was enough to signal for him to continue.
Sanskaar : I know you. I trust you. I am comfortable with you.
Swara : I can’t think about this right now. I… I’m all dirty and damp and…
Sanskaar : It makes sense, Swara. Just think about it..
Swara : NO! It doesn’t. This would never work. I can’t believe you would even consider it.
She turned away, not wanting to look at him.
Sanskaar : I couldn’t either, when the idea first came to me. But once it did, I couldn’t let it go, and I soon realized it made perfect sense.
She pressed her fingers into her temples. For God’s sake, why did he keep carping on about sense? If he ut­tered the word one more time she thought she might scream.
And how could he be so calm? She wasn’t certain how she thought he ought to act; she’d certainly never imag­ined this moment. But something about his recitation of a proposal gnawed at her. He was so cool, so collected. A bit nervous, perhaps, but with his emotions completely even and unengaged.
Whereas she felt as if her world might spin right off its axis.
It wasn’t fair.

And for that moment at least, she hated him for making her feel that way.
Swara : I’m going, Sanskaar. I’ll have to talk with you about it in the morning.
She almost made it. She was more than halfway to the door when she felt his hand on her arm, his grasp gentle and yet holding her with unrelenting strength.
Sanskaar : Wait!
Swara stopped. She couldn’t move.
Swara (softly) : What do you want?
She turned and looked down. He pushed her back until her back was touching the door.
She wasn’t look­ing at him, but she could see his face in her mind, the way his midnight hair fell over his forehead, his intense serious eyes boring into her.
And his lips. Most of all, she could see his lips, per­fectly shaped, finely molded, perpetually curved into that devilish expression of his, so as to say he knew more than he showed.
His hand traveled up her arm until it reached her shoulder, and then one of his fingers traced a feather-light line down the side of her neck.
His voice, when it came, was low and husky, and she felt it right in the very center of her being.
Sanskaar bent down until his lips were touching her ear.
Sanskaar (whispering) : Don’t you want another kiss?
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PRECAP : Guess!!
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So guys… As I told, From now on, It’s pure Swasan… This is way more intense and romantic… so I cannot promise a fairytale story like consummation happening only after marriage or whatever..
While the actual story has a lot of bed scenes after this, I have thought of changing it slightly. I don’t mean that there won’t be any, but not to that extent as i’m also slightly uncomfortable with that.
So JUST A WARNING : DON’T EXPECT THIS TO BE A FAMILY STORY.. BE READY FOR ANYTHING.
I’m not going to be vulgar, but if you don’t like these type of stuf, please don’t read this.
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TYSM!!! Love you all!!! :* :*
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