SWASAN – SHE’S NOT FOR ME
Heyy, It’s Anjali back with the next chapter!!!
Thnxx for comments and to my silent readers….
HAVE FUN!!!
ALL CHAPTER LINKS :
All Parts here
CHAPTER 25 LINK :
Chapter 25
PREV
Swasan date part 2
CHAPTER 26
Before we start, Let me tell you that this is a Sanskaarilicious chapter <3 <3
I've been planning this chapter for days now.. Ever since I started SNFM… I've put all my pent up frustration and enthusiasm in this.. So this is certain to be emotional.. I just hope you all like it…
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
The dawn came with a musical silence, the soul hearing the melody that the ears could not. A new day had come, new possibilities, a fresh page yet to be written.
Sanskaar opened his eyes and smiled at the pink sky. He turned to the vision in red next to him, her head nestled under his shoulder and her hand on his chest. He had had a good sleep. An excellent sleep, even. But that was because of her.
Swara.
He looked at her calm features and studied them. Their date hadn't gone as planned. It had become far more emotional but he was satisfied. The distance between them was disappearing and Sanskaar felt a real glimmer of hope that the day was not too far off when Swara would accept him as her husband.
He placed a kiss on her forehead and held her close to him. He closed his eyes thinking of Swara.
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
LATER THAT MORNING
Sanskaar woke up a few hours later to find himself alone. He looked around confused until he found a letter tucked inside his blazer.
The letter read :
Dear Sanskaar!
I'm sorry! I got up a short while ago and really had to get back home. Thank you so much for such a lovely date. I am taking the bike back. Will send the car for you.
Yours,
Swara!
Sanskaar looked at the letter perplexed. It didn't really bother him that she'd left without telling him but the letter seemed so formal. So cold.
Sanskaar : Did you do something wrong, Sanskaar? Oh God! Kuch toh hua hoga… You must have done something wrong.
He wore his blazer, found his car and rushed home.
Sanskaar (spotting Sallu at the door) : Sallu! Where's Swara?
Sallu (surpised) : I think Swara bhabhi ji is in her room.
Sanskaar nodded, ran to his room, showered quickly and went downstairs.
Sanskaar : Swara?
Swara : I'm here.
Sanskaar went in search of her voice and soon found her in one of the drawing rooms. She sat in a sofa, apparently waiting for him. She stood up as he entered.
Sanskaar (smiling) : Are you waiting for me?
He moved towards her and took her in his arms.
Sanskaar (placing his lips on hers) : I missed you this morning.
Swara tried to stop herself from collapsing to his kiss. She had to end this.
The one thing she truly didn’t want to do.
But her mind was relentless, and it was unkind, and before she knew what she was doing, she’d scrambled from his embrace and moved to the opposite edge of the sofa.
Swara : Wait!
Sanskaar (his mouth still swollen from the unfinished kiss) :What?
Swara (her voice shaky) : I… I can't do this.
Sanskaar : Do what?
Swara (shaking her head) : I shouldn't feel this.. I… I shouldn't.
Sanskaar came and stood right in front of her. His voice was urgent, laced with need to know the answer.
Sanskaar : What do you mean? You shouldn't feel what? (holding Swara's shoulder) What shouldn't you feel, Swara?
Swara averted her eyes. She couldn’t look at him.
Swara : I… I can't…
Swara (thinking) : I want to, though.
She shrugged off his hand from her shoulder. Even as she knew she shouldn’t, she couldn’t escape the fact that she wanted to, anyway. But if she told him that, would he make her change her mind? He could do it, too. She knew he could. One kiss, one touch, and all of her resolve would be lost.
Sanskaar : WHAT is it? What should you do? Or not do? Not feel? What is it?
Swara : I slept with you even though we are not married. I… That was a mistake.
Sanskaar drew back like he had been slapped. HARD!
Sanskaar : THEN MARRY ME! I've asked you repeatedly for days now.
He had her there, and she knew it. But logic didn’t seem to have a place in her heart these days, and all she could think was—How could she marry him? How could she marry Sanskaar?
Swara : I wasn't supposed to like it.
Sanskaar (exasperated) : Like what?
Swara (whispering) : What we had. I wasn't supposed to want it so much. I didn't want to do it.
Sanskaar took another step back and turned around, his body stiff with tension. She watched his back with terrible fascination, unable to take her eyes off of him. His shirt was loose, and even though she couldn’t see his face, she knew his body, every last curve of it. He looked desolate, hardened.
Worn out.
Sanskaar (holding on the sofa for support) : Why did you stay then?
Swara : Ex.. Excuse me?
Sanskaar : Why did you stay, Swara? When I ask you to, Why did you stay with me? If you hated me so much, Why did you sleep with me?
Swara (shocked) : I don't hate you, Sanskaar. You know, I don't…
Sanskaar (his voice louder) : I don't know anything anymore. I thought I knew who you were, But I didn't. I thought I knew what was going to happen today, But it's not. I don't know a damned thing.
His shoulders tensed as his fingers bit into the sofa. She could see one of his hands; the knuckles had gone white.
Swara : Sanskaar! I DON'T HATE YOU. I don't.
He said nothing.
Swara : Sanskaar..
She was pleading now, but for what, she didn't know. Maybe for him not to hate her. That was the one thing she didn’t think she could bear.
Sanskaar finally turned around to see her. Swara moved back a little, horrified by the fire in his eyes. His face had tightened into deep, angry lines and his mouth was set in a thin line.
Sanskaar : Why do you stay here? Why are you here when there's nothing… Nothing except this?
She gasped as his hands landed hard on her shoulders, let out a soft cry of surprise as his lips found hers. It was a kiss of anger, of brutal desperation, but still, her traitorous body wanted nothing more than to melt into him, to let him do what he wished, turn all of his wicked attentions on her.
She wanted him. Dear God, even like this, she wanted him.
And she feared she would never learn to say no.
But he wrenched himself away. He did it. Not her.
Sanskaar : Is this what you want? Only your desires to be fulfilled? Is that all you want?
She said nothing, but watched his every move with trepidation.
Sanskaar : Why do you stay?
Swara knew it was the last time he'd ask. She opened her mouth to reply, but no sound emerged. She stood there shaking and trying to talk but it was of no use.
The silence between them stretched until Sanskaar turned around once more unable to even look at her.
Sanskaar : I can't do it, Swara. I can't be with you if you don't want to. I cannot be used for your desires. I cannot be the source of your guilt. I want you to go back.
Swara : Back?
Sanskaar : Back to your house. Back to Kolkata… Back anywhere. I don't want to see you anymore.
Swara was shocked. Sanskaar was actually asking her to get out of his life?
Swara : Wh…What?
Sanskaar (still not looking at her) : I can't bear to look at you and not be with you, Swara. It would kill me.
Swara : Why?
Her voice was so soft that she doubted he had heard her. But this was Sanskaar, who always heard what she said.
At first she didn’t think he was going to respond. His posture became impossibly taut, and then he began to shake.
Her hand rose to cover her mouth. Was he crying? Could he be…
Laughing?
Sanskaar (with derisive laughter) : Why? Why? WHY?
He finally turned around to face her.
Sanskaar : You want to know why? It's because I LOVE YOU. Because I’ve always loved you. Because I loved you when you were with Laksh, and I loved you when I was in Paris, and God only knows I don’t deserve you, but I love you, anyway.
Swara sank into a sofa staring at Sanskaar's form.
Sanskaar : I love everything about you. I love the way I can tell what you're feeling. I love the way I can tell where you are just by your footsteps. I love the way I know you breathe. I love the way you smile or sigh in your sleep. I love the way you melt under my kiss. I love the way you complete me. I didn't want to love you like this…. I don't want to love you like this. It's the worst idea in the world that I love you so much. But I can't stop. Believe me, I've tried.
Swara tried to talk, tried to ask him to stop. But Sanskaar seemed to be in a flow.
Sanskaar : Don't stop me now. If I've started, Let me finish. Did I fall in love with you the minute I saw you? I think so. I loved you even while Laksh married you. I loved you while you treated me like your best friend. I was heartbroken, but I loved you enough to want you happy. I LOVED YOU ENOUGH TO LET YOU GO.
Swara closed her eyes. She couldn't stop the words tearing her apart but the expression in Sanskaar's face… The angst, the anguish that she had caused…. It broke her. She didn't want any more reason to hate herself.
Sanskaar (his voice catching) : I loved you both so much. It didn't matter that my heart was the one which was breaking. You were happy. Laksh was happy and I knew I could try to be happy. Or at least… Not bitter.
Sanskaar knelt on the floor and took Swara's hands in his.
Sanskaar : I felt like the worst brother in the world. I felt like I was a blackguard, a criminal. A man who covets his cousin's wife. I felt so disgusted with myself. But what could I do? I couldn't stop you from worming inside me. And soon, you didn't have to worm inside anymore. You already owned me. And then… Then Laksh died.
His voice broke and Swara opened her eyes, tears silently falling.
Sanskaar : Laksh died. My brother, The boy who grew up with me, The man he was, Your husband, The one who took care of all of us… He left us. Suddenly, There was a void. I had to step up, I had to take care of everything. But you… Your grief, I couldn't handle. It broke me to see you without your love. I felt like it was all my fault.
Swara (shocked) : No, Sanskaar!
Sanskaar (nodding his head) : But it might have been. Somewhere… Somewhere I might have resented him. I must have resented your happiness. Laksh had everything. Maybe it was my fault.
Swara : No no no no. Laksh loved you and you loved Laksh. Even in your wildest dreams, You couldn't have thought that. I'm sure of that.
Sanskaar : Even if that were true, At that time, I was terrified. I thought I was to take Laksh's place in everything. I was to take everything of his.. Except for one… You.
Swara's hands which were holding his fell down to her sides.
Sanskaar : It was agony. You were there and I was there. We both were hurting. I didn't know how to be with you. I didn't know how to comfort you. I longed for you so much… But the bitter truth was that I couldn't have you. EVER! So I left. I went to Paris hoping that I'd forget about you and we could continue our lives in peace. But that never happened. I loved you and distance did nothing to stop it. I longed for you so much that it was like a thousand cruel voices that whispered I'm a fool. Everytime I saw you… Everytime I see you, it was and it will be like a knife to my chest. But I don't care about the pain. You are my blade, Swara!
A blade, A sword… I hold the hilt of this sword, I press it against my own heart and I will do it forever.
He got up and turned to leave.
Swara : Why ask me to marry you?
Sanskaar (without turning back) : I stayed away because you were with Laksh. I stayed away because I thought I could never have you. When you told me you were going to move on, find a husband and have a baby, I was so conflicted. But then, I had to try. I had to try. I loved you enough to let you go. I also LOVED YOU ENOUGH TO TRY AND CONVINCE YOU.
Swara looked at him as he turned to look at her. The fire was gone from his eyes and he looked cold. Weary.
Then he closed them. He looked exhausted.
Sanskaar : I cannot see you anymore, Swara. It would break everything in me. If you care for me… Even a little, Then leave and please never appear in front of me.
He walked to the window, leaning heavily on the sill.
Sanskaar : I'm not strong enough to tell goodbye after this. You… You will have to leave. Please… Stay here if you want. Stay in Baadi or Maheshwari Mansion. Just never come in front of me. If you’re not mine, I don’t want you anymore.
She whispered his name. He ignored her.
Swara stood motionless for several seconds, and then, just when she was sure the tension between them would tighten and snap her in two, her feet somehow found their use, and she ran from the room.
She ran.
And she ran.
And she ran.
She ran blindly, without thinking.
She ran outside, into the night, into the rain.
She ran until her lungs burned. She ran until she had no balance, was tripping and sliding in the mud.
She ran until she could run no longer, and then she just sat, finding comfort and shelter in the garden Laksh had loved for years, The one place she thought of as her own now.
She sat there for hours, shivering in the cold, but not feeling a thing. And all she could wonder was—
Just what was it she was running from?
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
PRECAP : ???
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
I've taken some sentences from the actual book for this… I am depressing, Ik.. But I loved writing this chappie… *eyes closed*
I hope you all enjoyed it… <3 <3
Please do tell me your views…
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Guys.. Don't you like my new story, Captivated Forever? Maybe it's because it's new but no one seems to like it here. It's just something that I felt..
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————