Swasan – SHE’S NOT FOR ME CHAPTER 9

SWASAN – SHE’S NOT FOR ME
Heyy, It’s Anjali back with the next chapter!!!
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Swara Sanskaar conversation
CHAPTER 9
Sanskaar : What are you looking at?
She said nothing, just continued to stare.
Sanskaar : Swara?
She turned to him, and he was struck by how perfect she was. He stared at her without blinking until she spoke.
Swara : I want a baby.
Sanskaar : EXCUSE ME?
She’d shocked him. He was sputtering, even. She hadn’t made her announcement to elicit this sort of reaction, but now that he was sitting there, his mouth hanging open and slack, she couldn’t help but take a small amount of pleasure from the moment.
Swara : I want a baby. (looking at him) Is that wrong?
Sanskaar (still stuttering) : Umm… No…. But….
Swara (defensively) : I’m old enough to have a child.
Sanskaar : Yes Swara….
Swara : I’m getting older every year. Is it so bad that I want a baby of my own?
Sanskaar : No Swara…
Swara : I don’t have to explain my wishes and actions to you.
Sanskaar blinked. Why was Swara over reacting?
Sanskaar : I never asked you to.
Swara (sighing) : I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I over-reacted.
He said nothing, which irritated her. At the very least, he could have contradicted her. It would have been a lie, but it was still the kind and courteous thing to do.
Finally, because the silence was simply unbearable, she muttered.
Swara : I just want a child to call my own.
Sanskaar : That’s wonderful. But don’t you need a husband first?
Swara rolled her eyes at him.
Swara : Obviously. That’s the main reason I came early this time.
Sanskaar stared at her blankly.
Swara : Sanskaar! I’m shopping for a husband.
Sanskaar (raising his eyebrows) : How fortunate we men are!
Swara : Oh shut up! It’s what it is. And you had prob­ably best get used to it for your own sake. It’s precisely how the ladies will soon be talking about you.
Sanskaar chose to ignore the latter part of her sentence and continued.
Sanskaar : Do you know anyone who would suit you?
She shook her head.

Swara : I’m sure I can find someone. Maybe my brothers.. can find… someone.
She was trying to sound jolly about it, but the truth was, her voice was dropping in both tone and volume. He looked at her, then slumped back slightly and stared at the water.
Swara : You’re shocked.
Sanskaar : No.. Yes, I am.
She nodded, then rose and walked over to the corner of the river, staring at the horizon.
Swara (muttering to herself, but Sanskaar could hear her) : I love Laksh. But I can’t mourn him forever. I mean, I can, and I will, but…
Sanskaar (softly) : You want a baby.
Swara heard him and sighed. If she married—no, when she married—she had to mentally commit to the idea—it wouldn’t be for love. She wasn’t going to have a marriage like the one she’d shared with Laksh; a woman simply didn’t find love like that twice in a lifetime.
She was going to marry for a baby, and there was no guarantee that she would get one.
She turned around. Sanskaar was standing next to her.
And then the strangest thing happened. Except strange wasn’t really the right word. Shocking, perhaps, or alter­ing, or maybe there wasn’t a word for the type of surprise that stole the pulse from one’s body, leaving one immo­bile, unable to breathe.
She turned to him. It should have been a simple thing. She’d certainly turned to Sanskaar before, hundreds… no, thousands of times. He might have spent the last four years in France, but she knew his face, and she knew his smile. In truth, she knew everything about him—
Except this time was different. She turned to him, but she hadn’t expected him to have already turned to her. And she hadn’t expected him to be so close that she’d see the charcoal flecks in his hazel eyes.
She noticed how his hair was thrown to one side, messy and disheveled, though it had been perfectly combed before. She saw his physique and marvelled at his perfect figure. He was maintaining himself. She saw his eyes and thought how handsome he was.

And then her gaze fell on his lips.
They were full, and lush, and finely molded, and she knew the shape as well as the shape of her own, except never before had she really looked at them, no­ticed the way they weren’t quite uniform in color, or how the curve of his lower lip was really quite sensual, and—
She stood. So quickly that she nearly lost her balance.
Swara (in a high voice) : I have to go.
Sanskaar (a bit taken aback but nodding) : Sure!
Swara (in the same tone) : I have an appointment.
Sanskaar : Of course Swara.
Swara : I need to get some new clothes. I have only dull colours now.
Sanskaar : You should. I would love to see you in blue or else pink.
She nodded jerkily, still off balance and out of sorts. Sanskaar held her arm and she closed her eys involuntarily.
Sanskaar : Swara? Are you alright?
She opened her eyes and nodded again. She was fine. There was nothing wrong with her.
Swara chat­tered all the way back to Baadi. She had to put up a good front, she realized rather feverishly. She couldn’t possibly allow him to guess what had really transpired within her by the river.
She had known, of course, that Sanskaar was hand­some, even startlingly so. But it had all been an abstract sort of knowledge. Sanskaar was handsome, just as her brother Sahil was muscular, and her mother had beautiful eyes.
But suddenly… But now…
She’d looked at him, and she’d seen something en­tirely new.
She had not noticed her friend.
She’d seen a man.
And it scared her out of her mind.
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As soon as they reached Baadi, Swara forced her mother out of the house with a hurried goodbye to a startled Sanskaar and whisked away to the shops. Her mother, though surprised gladly followed her as she was delighted to see her daughter ready to step back into the real world.
Sharmishta was really surprised that Swara wanted to go with her to the shops. Out of all her children, Swara was different, more independent, a bit more reserved though she too played the monkey at times.
Swara too was surprised. Normally, She would have bristled at Mishti’s interference; she was perfectly capable of picking out her own wardrobe, thank you very much, but today she found her mother’s presence oddly comforting.
Not that her mother wasn’t usually a comfort. Just that Swara tended to favor her independent streak more often than not, and she rather preferred not to be thought of as “one of the Gadodia Family”.
As they waded through the crowded streets, Swara sat in the car and realised she was terrified. Her fists were clenched together and she was fidgeting with herself.
She stared down at her gray and black outfit. She was comfortable in them. She had worn colours like these for 4 whole years. Though widows were supposed to wear white, She chose to go for a little more dullness and now her clothing were all browns, blacks, greys or olive greens. They were like a uniform for her.
Even if she hadn’t decided it was time to remarry, shrugging off her widow’s garb signaled a huge change, and not one she was entirely sure she was ready for.
Swara : Ma!
She looked astonished. She didn’t know what she wanted to tell her mother. Sharmishta turned around and smiled at her.
Mishti : Yes dear?
Swara : Ma! Papa has been gone for so many years. Why did you never remarry?
Mishti’s lips parted slightly, and to Swara’s surprise, her eyes grew bright.
Mishti (softly) : This is the first time any of my children thought of asking me that.
Swara looked at her shocked. How could that be the case? It was a question that was so important to Swara. She looked at her mother. Even if her brothers and sister did not think about this for their personal requirement, Shouldn’t they have at least thought of it for their mother’s sake.
Didn’t they want to know their mother? Truly know her?
Swara felt ashamed that she didn’t take more care of Mishti.
Swara : I’m sorry Ma! I didn’t mean to put aside your pain for mine. I’m so sorry for not thinking more about you.
Mishti (in surprise) : Swara beta! I never thought that you don’t care about me. I know Adarsh, Sahil, Ragini and you love me so much. I know you will give up the world if I ask you to. Then how can I think you don’t care about me?
Swara gave a slight smile.
Mishti : When your father died, it was very sudden. None of us expected it.
She gave a sad little laugh, and Swara wondered if she’d ever be able to laugh about Laksh’s death, even if it was tinged with grief.
Mishti : One day he was here and the next, he was gone. He wasn’t even old. Well, it was unexpected. I don’t really know what else to say, except…( looking at Swara with achingly wise eyes ) Except I imag­ine you understand better than anyone.
Swara nodded, not trying to stem in the tears that were gathering in her eyes.
Mishti : That first year was miserable. I’m really not sure how I survived it. Everything seemed so hazy. So I couldn’t possibly even think of marriage.
Swara (softly) : I get that.
Mishti : And after that… well, I don’t know what happened. Maybe I just didn’t meet anyone with whom I cared to share my life. Maybe I loved your father too much. (shrugging) Maybe I just never saw the need. I was in a very different position from you, after all. I was older, don’t forget, and already the mother of four children, not to mention Uttara too. And your father left our affairs in very good order. I knew we would never want for anything.
Swara thought of her cousin Uttara who came here as often as she could for motherly love and companionship. Her mother had died in childbirth and while her father loved her, it still seemed that Uttara needed a woman’s care.
Swara : Laksh had the company in excellent condition as well. He never would have let anything happen to me or his mothers.
Mishti : Of course, Laksh was an exemplary young man. But you don’t have four children, beta. And you’ve quite a lot of time ahead of you to spend it all alone.
Swara nodded sighing.
Swara : I…I want…. I can’t… I want a baby so badly Ma!
Sharmishta nodded smiling.
Mishti : I thought so. But why are you so sad about it?
Swara : I feel like I’m being selfish. I keep thinking I’m dishonouring my memories with Laksh, my marriage.
Sharmishta’s heart went out for her daughter. God had played a cruel trick on her. She had been so in love with Laksh and for it all to go away in an instant. Her daughter had been suffering for 4 years now. And she was helpless. How could she make it all go away?
Mishti (cuddling Swara) : Laksh would have wanted you to be happy.
Swara : I know. I know. Of course he would. But don’t you see— I’m not even looking for that. I’m not going to find someone like Laksh. I’ve ac­cepted that. And it feels so wrong to marry with less.
Mishti : You won’t find someone like Laksh, But you might find a man who will suit you equally well, just in a different way.
Swara : You didn’t Ma!
Mishti (nodding) : I didn’t. But I had the 4 of you. And Uttara when she came. You children were my world. You still are. I never needed anyone else.
Swara : When you knew I wanted a baby, Why didn’t you ask me anything about it?
Sharmishta smiled.
Mishti : Swara, You are different. If you had been tempestuous like Ragini or forthright like Uttara, I might have said something. You’re not the same. You never have been. Even as a child you set yourself apart. And you needed your distance.
Swara (hugging her mother tightly) : I love you.
Mishti : Of course you do Sweetheart. Just as I love you.
Swara : I think I would give up anything to be my Mumma’s little girl again.
Mishti (kissing the top of her head) : You always will be, Swara beta! Even though you’ve grown. In my care, you’re my little girl.
They smiled and then there was silence for a while.
Swara : Ma! Can I ask you one more question?
Mishti : Yes, my dear?
Swara : If I don’t find someone like that, and I marry someone whom I rather like, but per­haps don’t love… is that all right?
Mishti (silent for several minutes before answering) : I can’t answer that, beta. Only you will know. Half the society has marriages like that, and quite a few of them are perfectly content. But you will have to make your judgments for yourself when they arise. Everyone is different, Swara. I sus­pect you know that better than most. And when a man asks for your hand, you will have to consider him on his merits and not by some predefined standards that you have thought of.
She was right, of course, but Swara was so sick of life being messy and complicated that it wasn’t the an­swer she’d been seeking.
And none of it addressed the problem that lay most deeply within her heart. What would happen if she actu­ally did meet someone who made her feel the way she’d felt with Laksh? She couldn’t imagine that she would; truly, it seemed wildly improbable.
But what if she did? How could she live with herself then?
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PRECAP : Sanskaar is ill
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Hey guys, Am sorry for the short chapter.. but I just wanted to tell you a few things about this story.
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* This story is inspired by Julia Quinn’s When he was wicked : An amazing story. I love it a lot and the emotions that run within this story are deep and heart-wrenching
* I think some of you find this dull now? And too boring and detailed. I don’t know how to make it interesting for now. I’m trying to include as many Swasan scenes as possible, but the story is such that both Swara and Sanskaar have complicated lives and a simple romance won’t help at all.
* Please tell me if you wish me to change the storyline.. I’ll trymy bet but I’m not sure right now on how to change it.
* This story is completely different from MMAI…. This will be only about Swasan and is not going to be a family story. Soon, It will be a pure Swasan story with lots of passion and desire (hopefully portrayed well)
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These are the 4 points I wanted to tell… Criticisms accepted… Please do give me pointers on improving 😀 😀
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