“That Unknown Feeling”- Chapter 42: Vivid Memories and Broken Angels

Recap: Yuvani finds out that Sayyam has started cutting himself again, and they have a deep conversation. Krishna wakes up and remembers everything from the night before.

To visit all previous chapters: Click here for all episodes

Warning: discussion of self-harm and shower scenes (just kidding…or am I?)
*****

Sayyam slowly entered his room, his hands still tugging at the ends of his sleeves, quietly heading for the bathroom. He flinched when he caught sight of Krishna, staring at her reflection in the mirror.

He swiftly turned away, momentarily forgetting about his sleeves, and took a step towards the bathroom when her voice stopped him cold in his tracks.

“I remember.”

Just those two words.

Sayyam froze.

He slowly turned around, hesitant to look her in the eye. He was scared of what he’d see.

Would he see fear, disgust?

Would she flinch, and step away from him?

Or would her eyes contain pure hatred for him?

Something told Sayyam he wouldn’t be able to handle her hatred.

Anger maybe, but not hate.

He fought to control his breathing when he noticed her moving closer. On instinct, he took a step back, placing some distance between them.

“I remember everything,” her voice was cold, somewhat detached, but Sayyam couldn’t tell what was on her mind.

“You helped me- in the bar- yesterday night, and the drinks,” she mumbled, finally looking into his eyes.

Sayyam released the breath he just realized he was holding. In her eyes was a different emotion. He didn’t know what it was, but it definitely wasn’t pain; it wasn’t fear.

It wasn’t hatred.

He exhaled, not knowing what to say, his hand reached for his hair on impulse, his sleeve sliding down.

“You’re hurt,” there was a slight tremor in her voice, as she stepped closer to him. Sayyam immediately crossed his arms, realizing he’d just messed up. He swore under his breath, his body tensing up as she took hold of his arm.

“Krishna, I don’t think-”

“Shh,” she frowned slightly, her eyebrows narrowing in realization as she took in the fresh marks on his arm.

“You did this to yourself,” she whispered, and looked up at him, and it was then that Sayyam recognized the look in her eyes. It was the same look he’s seen in his own eyes that morning.

The desperate need to make everything better. The almost painful wish to fix the situation.

His breath hitched as she took him by his arm, leading him into the bathroom.

“Krishna-”

She wordlessly dragged him into the shower, turning the water on and letting it run over both of them.

He winced as he felt her gaze run over his form, checking for any more injuries, hissing as she found the cut on his cheekbone and the faint bruises lining his knuckles. He felt her fingers slowly brush over the faded scars on his arm and flinched. She was seeing him in his most vulnerable state.

“How long?” she whispered, neither looking at his arm nor his eyes.

“I don’t-”

“When was the first time you-” she paused, unsure of her next words, “-you cut yourself.” she winced.

Sayyam and her stood quietly for a moment, while he debated over what to tell her. He took a deep breath; she deserved to know. She deserved the truth.

“I was thirteen years old…” his voice trailed off, the memories coming back to him.

She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, there was a certain pain in them, a kind of guilt. She exhaled slowly.

By this point they were both drenched, and Krishna was still in her dress from the night before.

“Your shirt,” she whispered, concern evident in her voice. “Take it off.”

“Krishna,” Sayyam repeated, not knowing how she could be concerned for him. Not knowing how she could even stand to look at him. She obviously wasn’t thinking straight.

“Sayyam, I’m not scared of you,” she glanced at him, and Sayyam heard it in her voice:

She was trying to tell him it wasn’t his fault.

She was telling him that she didn’t blame him for what had happened.

She was trying to tell him, that she trusted him.

And Sayyam didn’t know how to feel about that.

He let her slowly take his shirt off, as she scanned his back for other wounds, hearing her sigh in relief when she found nothing serious. The water was still pouring over the both of them, and Sayyam relaxed as she gently cleaned off his cuts and bruises. It had been a long time since he had let anyone care for him like this. Not even his mother had had the chance to fuss over him like this. He was too used to covering up the pain, and dealing with all his problems by himself.

He felt her run her hands through his hair, and bit his tongue as she put too much pressure on a cut lining his forehead.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, and he knew she was talking about what had happened at the bar.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he opened his eyes, taking a good look at her.

His savior.

He could’ve sworn she was glowing, almost like an angel.

He was the darkness, all things bad, and she? She was always the light. She always seemed to save Sayyam from himself. She always freed him from the shackles his mind placed on him.

He didn’t know how she did it.

The shower water began to get colder and Sayyam turned it off, exhaling slowly. Krishna closed her eyes for a moment and leaned against the wall opposite Sayyam, seeming exhausted.

“Krishna?” Sayyam called softly, getting worried.

“No, I’m fine,” she breathed, extending her hand to support herself against the wall.

Her knees buckled, and Sayyam caught her just in time, letting her fall against his chest.

He bit his tongue, cursing himself for being so stupid. How could he not have noticed? The water had been hot, not allowing him to realize that Krishna had been burning up. She was running a fever. He gently picked her up, setting her on the chair next to the bed. He rushed to the cupboard, taking out a set of clothes for her.

“Hey,” Sayyam gently touched Krishna’s shoulder, his palm travelling to her face.

“Krishna, c’mon, wake up,” he shook her softly.

“Mmm,” Krishna groaned, her eyelids slowly opening.

Sayyam handed her the clothes, trying to get her to stand up. “Krishna, can you put these on?”

Krishna sighed, seeming a bit confused, and took the clothes from Sayyam. He began to walk out, but she stopped him.

“Wait!” She called out quietly.

“Yeah?” Sayyam turned around.

“Can you just stay in the room, and just turn around or something?”

Sayyam gulped, stepping closer to her, “How about this? I’ll wait out here, and you go into the bathroom.” he walked her to the entrance of the bathroom, “keep the door unlocked if you want, I’ll be out here.”

“Kay,” she whispered, walking in to the washroom and closing the door behind her.
_____

Baby walked down the hallway and into the kitchen, deep in thought. She was thinking about everything other than her husband, Yuvaan. Then again, she hadn’t expected to see Sayyam at the Birla house.

What was he doing here?

She sighed, making a cup of coffee for herself. Sayyam loved coffee, and she’d acquired his love for the drink after all the time they’d spent together.

If he knew why she was in this house, he’d be disappointed for sure. But she’d always been the one with the plans and the skills, and he’d always been the one with a conscience.

She groaned in frustration, getting a mug from the shelf. She’d started thinking about him again. She needed to find out why he was here. Something was going on in this house, and the answer was painfully obvious, but she had to find out for herself.
_____

Krishna emerged from the doorway a while later. Her hair was relatively drier, and she was now wearing one of her softer kurtas; it was the yellow one, that matched the golden specks in her eyes.

Sayyam shook his head, wondering why that was the first thought that entered his mind. He walked over to her, guiding her to the bed, and made sure she took some medicines to help with the fever. He tucked her in and turned to leave, when she grabbed his arm, careful not to hurt him. Sayyam turned around, sitting next to her on the bed. She held onto his arm for a while, before opening her mouth to say something.

“Why can’t things be normal?” She whispered.

“What do you mean?” Sayyam frowned, tucking a stray hair behind her ear.

“I mean, I miss the times we had before…” she trailed off, glancing up at him timidly.

“I do too,” Sayyam whispered, mostly to himself, pulling his hand away from her head.

“I don’t hate you for what happened Sayyam,” she started in a small voice, “I don’t know why you did what you did, but I know that you wouldn’t hurt me. Not on purpose.” She blinked slowly.

Sayyam had no response for what she’d just said. How could this girl choose to see the best in others? He was in awe of how well she understood him; of how she could see past his actions and into his heart.

Sayyam felt vulnerable.

Very Vulnerable.

He sighed, pulling up the blanket to cover her completely and warm her up.

“Sayyam?” Her hand still hadn’t let go of him.

“Yeah?”

“Mr.Khadoos?”

Sayyam grinned despite himself. Now he definitely knew that she was under the influence of the medication.

“Yes Mrs.Girnewali?” His eyes sparkled with mirth.

“Tell me a story, from your childhood,” she snuggled into the covers, closer to him.

“What kind of story do you want to hear?”

“Well, you couldn’t have been this Khadoos as a child,” she stuck her tongue out, “tell me one of your funnier memories,” she laughed softly, her gentle laughter echoing slightly in the room.

So Sayyam smiled bemusedly and proceeded to tell her about the time he’d pranked an older kid at his orphanage,

but not before deciding for himself that he loved the sound of her laughter.

*****
Alright guys, I’m back as promised! We’re definitely gonna be seeing more of Baby. I’ve always seen a lot of potential in the relationship between Sayyam and Baby, and I feel like the writers ruined her part in the story. So I’ll be making Baby a very complex character, and you’re going to be learning more about her as the story proceeds. Also, shout-out to that shower scene 😉
I just want to strengthen Kriyam’s bond before we start with the real scenes 😉

Again, I’ll be updating on Sundays and Thursdays, so I’ll be posting next on Thursday!

Love you guys!
– Shreya <3