“That Unknown Feeling”- Chapter 40: Thoughts, Feelings, and Inner Demons

(Recap: Sayyam banters with a drunken Krishna, who mildly annoys him with her questions and actions.)

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Warning!!: This chapter is 14/15+ kinda 😉 Read at your own risk.

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Sayyam gently set Yuvani down on her bed, heaving a deep sigh of relief. He’d gotten them both back home, and now, everything was okay. Knowing that Krishna was sound asleep in their room put him at ease.

Wait. Their room?

Sayyam shook his head, shaking off the sudden feeling of uneasiness. He honestly didn’t know why he’d been having such random thoughts recently. He gently pulled the covers over Yuvani, reflecting back on everything that had happened in the past hour.

Strangely, for a second, it had felt as though everything was normal again. While arguing with Krishna, Sayyam had actually believed that everything was fine between them. He knew it shouldn’t have mattered to him, but he hated the awkwardness between them these days. Fighting with her was better than the pointed looks and the way she flinched every time he got close to her.

He didn’t know why the idea of being a monster in Krishna’s eyes bothered him so much though. Why did he care so much for her? He’d always wanted to portray himself as strong and passive to everyone, so why was Krishna an exception?

For no particular reason, Sayyam found himself not wanting her to wake up sober.

Dark hair was ruffled from the breeze outside as he stepped away from Yuvani’s bed, making sure the curtains were drawn closed; and grinned as she frowned cutely in her sleep, snuggling into the blanket he’d covered her with. He turned the lights off and walked out, slowly pulling the door closed behind him.

As soon has he was out, he walked across the hallway quietly, entering Krishna’s room carefully, so as to not disturb her sleep. He shut the door and flipped the lamp switch closest to him, looking towards the bed.

She wasn’t there.

He bit his lip, looking around the room to double check, huffing when he noticed she was leaning against a wall. He was sick and tired of receiving mini heart attacks because of her. He inched towards her, being careful not to make any sudden movements. Sayyam heard her mumble a few words under her breath, and froze as she turned to look up at him. Her eyes weren’t focused though, and he could tell she was still under the influence of the alcohol.

What he saw next almost made him fall over in shock.

Krishna lazily turned to face him, a bottle of vodka in her hands; and it seemed to him that she’d been drinking it from the bottle.

“Krishna, no! What are you doing?” Sayyam hissed, reaching for the bottle, “Go to bed!”

“Nope,” she shook her head playfully, “You had three bottles in your cupboard and you never even thought of sharing with me, I don’t wanna sleep now.” She took another sip from the bottle, making Sayyam wince when he saw her grimace due to the strength of the drink.

“Krishna…please.”

Krishna tilted her head to the side, as if she were considering his words, “You know?” Krishna held the bottle up, “I can understand why you’re addicted to this. You feel the pain ebb away, don’t you? It’s like all your worry, all your problems stop existing for a fraction of a moment. But they don’t.” She paused, and Sayyam found himself listening to her in apprehension. “When I wake up, everything will be the same, absolutely nothing would’ve changed. I’ll still be the same person and my life will be the same as before. And that’s bitter, but it’s the truth.”

Neither of them had realized it, but Sayyam had been inching closer to her with every word she said. He was hanging on to her pain in her voice, focusing on her every gesture. And suddenly, something hurt. Something inside him hurt. Deep down, he knew that she was right. That even though Krishna was drunk, she was right about it all. Something tugged at his emotions, and he didn’t know what to think anymore. It was obvious the only reason she was in this state was because of him.

To hell with this.

Sayyam grabbed the glass bottle out of her hands and held it up to his mouth, gulping it down until there was no more left. He leaned against the wall next to Krishna afterwards, catching his breath. He felt Krishna briefly shift closer to him and turned to face her. There was an unreadable expression in her eyes. For an instant, Sayyam had the urge to explore her eyes, to dive in and find out what it was that made her eyes so bright, so vivid. So powerful.

And it was then that he realized she was just like him. They were exactly the same and different in so many ways. The pain hidden in her eyes was the same pain he saw in his own. There were so many depths of emotion he could observe. They’d gone through so much, in different ways, but they both knew exactly what it felt like. It was an unknown feeling, but it was one they’d both felt before, countless times.

His breath caught as he found himself counting the myriad of golden hued specks in her hazel eyes. Sayyam watched as her pupils dilated and she involuntarily leaned closer, her breath warm on his cheek. The knowledge that he was creating this kind of reaction in her ignited something in him.

“Krishna…” Sayyam exhaled, his voice husky and raw.

“It’s okay, it really is,” Krishna silenced him, her breathing erratic.

Sayyam didn’t know if it was the vodka or the adrenaline in his system, but he reached up impulsively and cupped her cheek, letting his thumb gently trace her lower lip. Krishna closed her eyes and leaned into his touch, sighing softly. At that precise moment, Sayyam made a selfish decision.
He decided to let himself feel.

Sayyam leaned towards her; and as his lips found hers’, the world fell away. For that moment, nothing else mattered; nothing else could’ve mattered. Sayyam’s arms found their way around her waist while Krishna entangled her fingers in his hair. They moved in perfect sync, and in the silence of that night, all unspoken words had already been exchanged, all emotions shared.

Sayyam pushed her against the wall as they parted for air, and he bent down to kiss her again, Krishna kissing him back just as hungrily. She tasted like strawberries and surprisingly, whiskey. Sayyam smirked unconsciously, pulling back to find her hands on his collar now.
He impulsively leaned towards her, burying himself in the crook of her neck and inhaling the faint scent of her perfume. Krishna shivered, leaning more into his touch, and they stumbled towards the bed.

Sayyam abruptly froze, realizing the gravity of their situation. Something clicked in his head, and all of a sudden, it wasn’t so hard to let go of Krishna. He swallowed down his desire and emotion and stilled his now shaking hands. What had he been about to do?

Krishna whimpered against him, her hands still firmly grasping the lapels of his shirt. He looked into her eyes, and the innocence in them scared him. He would be no better than that man at the bar; he would be no better than his father if he’d let himself get carried away. Disgust and guilt overwhelmed his senses and he gently pushed her off him. He felt tears well up in his eyes and glanced away, ashamed of himself.

Krishna suddenly seemed confused as she turned away from him, stepping towards the bed with a slight falter in her step. Sayyam resisted the urge to catch her and stepped backward. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he opened the door, convincing himself that she was just tried and would be fine on her own.
If his inner demons had never affected him before, they were going to torture him tonight; that much he knew. He also knew he deserved it.

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Heyy guys, I know that kiss was wierddd, get the chapals and tomatoes ready please. Idk…that was the first time I’ve written a kiss…also if I ever write “that” type of scene it will be at most 16+ so yeahh…hehe

Tell me what ya guys think, missed you guys so much.

Also, I just want to thank everyone who comments (Fidato, Fenil, Dinu, Rehmat, Aman, Aarti, Polly di, Mithila, Annie, Muniya, Kriyam Fan, Shaz, Mahi, Dewdrop, and everyone else!) I love you guys like anything. Sometimes I don’t have the time to comment or I don’t have wifi, but I want you guys to know that your comments are a really great source of motivation for me.

Love ya guys!
– Shreya <3