A/N: Hey guys I know this might look like old ghisa pita concept. But as I wanted to upload a RagLak one shot also. But I wasn’t finding a concept. I wrote it in a hurry. Hope you people like it. Finger crossed. Advanced sorry if you feel it is not upto your expectations(Holding my ears, with puppy pout) Happy Valentine’s Day. Kehdo Apne Dil ki Baat Andaaz Ke Saath
Date: 20th March 2002
I still remember that day. The day I met you. The day my life changed. The day when I smiled looking at someone’s smile.
I was on my daily rounds. “Dr. Lakshya” called Dr. Anjali who was in emergency ward. I held my stethoscope and turned to her. “Yes Doctor?” “Dr. Lakshya we have a emergency case” said she worried and I ran with her. As I was entering the ICU my eyes fell on her. She was sitting outside on the chair bending her head and placing her hands near her lips and tears continuously flowing from her eyes. And her cheeks and nose had turned pink. She might have been crying from hours I guessed. “Doctor” called Dr.Anjali bringing me to reality and I brushed my thoughts and entered ICU. I examined the patient and instructed Dr. Anjali about the medications to perform. As I was outside the ICU I saw her again. She had placed her head on some lady’s shoulder might be her mother.
It is actually against the hospital rule that we speak to patient’s relatives. But I wanted to talk to her and console her. I was not able to tolerate her pain. “Papa mujhe chodke nahi jayenge na(Papa will not leave me na)” asked she for which the lady caressed her hair and said “Na bacha Papa will be fine. Now don’t cry. You know right he doesn’t like his gudiya crying” As she closed her eyes to stop the tears I felt my eyes welling up. I took a deep breath and headed to my cabin. I sat on my chair and looked at the wall. Her pink face and tearful face looked like playing on the wall. I’m such hard person that even if I watch most emotional movies my eyes will not drop a single tear. But her pain made my eyes well up. Some connection we have. Something happened to me from the time I have seen her pain.
Her dad was admitted as an emergency case. His body was fully infected due to Asthama. I was feeling her fear to lose him. I coul
d feel her pain. “Doctor time to meet the patient’s relatives for daily updates” said Doctor Anjali. As she was busy with the new case she told me to meet her. Finally I was going to talk to her but as a doctor. I was nervous. I did not wanted to give her any false hopes but her dad’s condition was worsening as the time passed. It had been a week that he was admitted in our hospital but there were no signs of him recovering. How will I tell her? What will I tell her. I was fighting a battle within me. It wasn’t that I haven’t faced such situations but I did not wanted to be the reason for her pain or I did not wanted to increase her pain.
“Hello” said I and stretched my lips. She just met my eyes with her tearful eyes. Awkward. Why do I have to do this? “See we are trying our best but his infection is not reducing” I blurted. Gosh what the hell did I do. I have never told any relative of patient so frankly. I should have put it in better words. Bad news is bad how will you put it in better words. Will the words change the fact no but will they reduce the intensity of situation? Might be. I looked at her. She was biting her lower lip to control her cry and her tears were just ready to jump. I can understand she did not wanted to break. And I also did not wanted her to break. Her voice started coming out of her throat and she was slowly ready to burst into a bitter cry. I held her elbow and dragged to me and she placed her head on my chest and my left hand moved to her head. I started patting her head. She needed me or more appropriately someone who can hold her. She cried, she cried her heart out and held my shoulders.
I could sense her tears on my shirt. She needed that. She was holding her pain from long time. Pain is something you should release it as early as possible otherwise it will not take much time to consume and break you. I could feel her relaxing a bit. I forgot my protocols as a doctor. I let her cry as much as she wanted. Later her sobs started fading. She was relaxing. “I’m sorry” said I as she stood straight and was wiping her tears. “Thank you” said she in return. I just smiled at her weakly. “Shall I leave?” asked she. “You want to meet him?” asked I for which she nodded her head weakly. “Come” said I and started walking and she followed me.
“Papa” said she in a painful voice which pierced my heart. She moved her hand and tried touching him but I felt she was scared. I held her hand and placed it on her dad’s chest where her dad’s heart was beating. I saw her tears flowing when she sensed her dad’s heart beat. A fear to lose that was increasing with every passing second. I held her hand tightly and she looked at me. “Relax” said I to cool her. “See your papa is okay” I told her when she turned her head to him. “You have to be strong. Medical science is no miracle but feelings are. You have to make him feel that you are around him always and he will be alright. You know he is scared he is scared more than you. He is scared he will go away from you. You have to be his strength. You have to bring him out of that fear and only you can do that.
Speak to him assure him everything will be fine” I said in her ears softly. She nodded her head controlling her tears. I left her hand and watched her. “Papa. See I’m here. Your Ladoo is here. Nothing will happen to you. Nothing. I’m there na. Your brave Ladoo is there na? You know na how stubborn I am. You cannot leave me like this okay. You cannot. You never say no to your Ladoo na. Get well soon na Papa. You know we have to equal our scores with Sushanth Bhai when he will return from U.S. How can you forget. You are the best papa in the world right. You will listen to your Ladoo right. You won’t leave me na.” said she in a cracking voice. Tears flew from my eyes. True a dad is the first super hero of a girl. Daughter and father relation is something very strong and unbreakable. If a daughter decides she can bring her dad back to life and I witnessed it that day.
Her dad started recovering from that day. His infection started fading. And more than her I was happy to see him recovering. True we feel the pain and happiness of our loved one more than our happiness and pain.
“Ragini” I called her when she was heading out of my cabin. She turned smiling. Her smile always brought a smile on my face. “Can we have a coffee together?” asked I gathering all my courage. She nodded her head smiling and turned to leave. OMG she agreed for a date. I’m so happy. I will propose her today. Finally.
As I was walking in the corridor to go to the children section suddenly I felt dizzy and my vision blacked out. I held the railing to support myself. Later what happened I have no idea. When I opened my eyes I was on a bed and Doctor Mukesh beside me. I looked at him confused. Then my gaze moved to the clock. It was 5. “Fish I had told Ragini I will meet her” I said and tried getting up. Again I felt dizzy and sat on the bed with a thud and held my paining head. “What happened to me?” I asked as I was not able to tolerate the pain. “Laksh” said he and paused. “I’m asking you something doctor answer me” I said looking at him with rage. “Laksh you have tumor last stage” said he and I felt heavy pain in my heart. I looked at him shocked. He just nodded his head not able to meet my eyes. And tears flew from my eyes. I had no dreams till now. No dreams at all. One dream had made its way to my heart when I met her. One dream to spend my life with her. To make her part of my life. And that one dream also scattered into pieces. “You must be joking” I said as I was not able to believe him. He just lowered his head and I closed my eyes as tight as I could and let the tears flow. My head was paining but my heart was in a deeper pain. A pain to have such a short life span after meeting her.
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“Where is this Laksh?” I saw her walking over the corridor and searching me. I leaned to the wall from where I was watching her and closed my eyes and held the wall. I wiped my tears and walked to my cabin. “What is wrong with you Laksh?” asked she as she opened my cabin door. I controlled my emotions and looked at her with shrunk eye brows to maintain a tough look. “You said we will meet for a coffee two days back and you have been avoiding me from then. May I know the reason?” asked she and I could feel her pain. I closed my fist, I was so angry on myself for hurting her. “I had important cases to attend” I said finding a reason. “You could have told me that. I do understand your work commitments. Come let’s go for a coffee now. You know na today Papa is getting discharge” said she excited.
I can’t give you the pain of losing your loved one Ragini. I cannot. Not when I can’t be there to console you. I controlled myself. “Don’t you think you are being too friendly with a doctor? See I just helped you out of humanity but I feel you have decided to trap me” I said and I know how much my heart was crying to speak those words. “What are you talking Laksh?” asked she and her eyes were welling as my words pierced her heart. “Doctor Laksh. Miss Ragini” I said as I got up from my seat and walked towards her. She looked at me confused. “What happened?” asked I. “No nothing La..” she stopped and wiped her tears and said “Sorry Doctor Laksh. Sorry I disturbed you” And she ran out of my cabin. I held the table and banged my closed fist on the table as hard as I could. I pulled my hair frustrated. I hurt her. I hurt her very badly. I collapsed on the floor and held the table above my head and cried my heart. “Ragini” said I in between my sobs.
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“Hello Laksh” said someone as soon as I entered my home. I turned and found a bunch of people sitting on sofa. It took me time to recognize them. My tumor had made my memory power a bit weak. It was Ragini’s dad and her family. What is happening why are they here. I looked at Savita kaaki my house maid who gave me helpless look. Then my eyes moved back to them. “What are you people doing here?” asked I confused. “They have come with my marriage proposal for you” I heard her voice. After 6 months I heard her voice. How much ever my memory cell were weak I could still recognize her voice. May be she was not in my mind but in my heart. I turned from where the voice came. She came from the kitchen with a tea tray. What is she talking? Is she out of her mind. She placed the tea tray on the table and stood in front of me smiling. “What the hell are you talking?”
I asked her with stiff face. “Truth” said she smiling widely. Has she gone mad. Why is she talking so casually. No I have to show her my anger otherwise I will fall weak. I held her hand and dragged her with me to my room and closed the door with a bang to scare her. But to my surprise she was smiling. “What is all this non sense?” I screamed at her. “Stop acting like you are angry on me Laksh” said she. How does she know I’m acting. I fumed to hide my confusion and held her elbow and dragged her close to me. “You think you can trap me? Never” said I. “Why should I trap you? I know you love me and I love you too” said she and pecked my lips. I jerked her hand and avoided eye contact with her. “What non sense I don’t love you” said I harshly. “Oh really. Look into my eyes and tell me” said she turning me. “See I don’t believe in this bull shit so stop trying your luck and get lost” I said.
“You love me and your eyes speak that” said she cupping my face. “I don’t” said I determined. “No you do” said she and neared my face. “I said na I don’t” I jerked her hands as I couldn’t control myself more. “Then why are you hiding about your health condition to me?” she asked in her cracking voice and I turned swiftly and looked at her shocked. “I heard you talking to Doctor Mukesh yesterday when I came to collect dad’s reports copy as I had lost the originals” said she and met my eyes with her painful eyes. “That has nothing to do with you. Why should I tell you about my medical condition?” said I trying to avoid the topic. “You know what when you dragged me to a hug for the first time that day only I realized how much you love me. And by hiding this truth you proved me how madly you love me” said she and I struggled a lot to hide my emotions. “I love you Laksh. I really do” said she as she hugged me and placed her head on my chest. I wanted to hug her back and console her but my hands weren’t responding. “Leave me” I said as I dragged her out of the hug and turned to leave but she held my wrist. I looked back at her. “Never” said she nodding her head. Her face was covered with tears. How much more time I have to see her like this God.
Can’t you reduce my pain. I held her hand and dragged her out of the room and made her stand in front of her family –her dad, her mom and her brother. “Uncle please make your daughter understand. I don’t love her and she simply is wasting her time and life” said I pleading them. I expected them to at least understand and stop her. “Sorry beta she is very stubborn. Once she decides something we cannot do anything” said her dad casually. I was like what the hell. I sighed and said “See Uncle I’m suffering with brain tumor do you understand tumor. And I have very less time in this world. Don’t spoil your daughter’s life like this” said I pleading him. “We know that” said her mom shocking me. “And you want her to spoil her life?” asked I shocked. “Love doesn’t spoil life Laksh” said her brother. I looked at him confused. “There is no doubt that more than you nobody can love her. It is clearly visible in your eyes and in your decision to go away from her.
Yes we were not ready for this but she made us understand” said her brother smiling. “What did she made you people understand?” I asked confused. “That life’s length depends on your assumptions. If you feel you have lived long then few years also looks like a life time. But if you feel you have lived short then lifetime also looks like just few years. You will leave me or I may leave you anytime. Life doesn’t give you assurance for number of days but whatever time you have you should fill life in it. Then your life is meaningful” said she turning me to her. “You are spoiling your life Ragini” said I and she placed her finger on my lips and stopped me. “What if I had tumor? You would have left me?” asked she. I could just nod my head in a no. “So how do you expect me to leave you Mr. Laksh Maheshwari?” asked she and hugged me and burst out crying. Now my hands had enough courage to move. I caressed her hair covering her in my embrace and placed my chin over her head. True she was very stubborn. Very very stubborn.
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“Laksh” said she holding me when I felt dizzy. She made me sit on the bed back. “I told you to be careful na. Why don’t you listen to me ever” said she and I felt her eyes tearing. “I had told you na Mrs. Maheshwari you are spoiling your life” I said smiling through my tears. “Shhh” said she placing her finger on my lips.
Pal do pal ki kyu hai zindagi
Iss pyar ko hai sadiya kaafi nahi
to khuda se manglu mohlat mai ek nayi
rehna bas hai yeha ab door tujhse jaana nahi
Jo tu mera humdard hai Jo tu mera humdard hai
Suhana har dard hai Jo tu mera humdard hai
Teri muskurahate hai taakat meri Mujhko inhi se umeed mili
Chahe kare sitam koi yeh Jahaan Inhi me hai sada ifazat meri
Zindagani badi khubsurat hui Jannat ab aur kya hogi Kahi
Jo tu mera humdard hai… Jo tu mera humdard hai….
Suhana yeh Dard hai… Jo tu mera humdard hai
“You look more handsome like this” said she caressing my bald head. I smiled weakly at her. Chemotherapy had claimed all my hair. Pain wasn’t easy to bear but she made it easy with her presence in my life. I did not wanted to leave her but I have to leave her. I know she is strong very strong. But will she be able tolerate my departure. The thought made me shiver. Every day I used to pray god to give me one more day to live with her. Like this almost an year had passed. And as a doctor I was well aware of my condition and that feeling started growing inside me that I won’t survive more. Actually Dr. Mukesh had given me just 6 months but her love and stubbornness had kept me alive more than that. “I love you” said she as she kissed my forehead. I just smiled in my sleep. I never told her I love her. I did not wanted to confess my feelings and make her weak. And she did not needed my confession at any part of her life. She was sure about her feelings and she did not needed anything else.
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“Laksh” she ran behind her nephew of 10 year old. It had been 15 years that I left her alone in that world. She stayed strong. Really she was stronger than my imagination. I smiled at her through my tears. I remembered my last day on earth; with her.
“I want to say something” I said struggling to breath. I knew I had just few breaths of my life and I wanted to make it special. “I….” she was struggling to control her tears. She wanted to show herself strong. She did not wanted me to have the guilt of leaving her in middle. “I love you” said I and collapsed on the bed. I faintly could sense her screams. She called my name. I wanted to hug her. I was scared of that moment all my life. The moment when I won’t be there to console her. The moment when I will be responsible for her pain. And that moment came but I was dead to experience it. I was numb to feel it.
“I love you Ragini” I said looking at her when she held her nephew finally whom she named after me in my remembrance. I wiped my tears and continued looking at her. She had opened a cancer patient treatment hospital, where she goes to spend her time. To remember me. I have never seen a girl so crazy who would love to be in pain so that she can be with me. She was right. If we think few years also will look like a lifetime and if we think life time also will look like few years. My one and half year with her looked like a lifetime for me. And I’m so thankful to her for giving me that life. “I love you too Laksh. Happy Valentine’s day” she said looking up as if she heard me. And I smiled looking at her smiling face. The smile which made me smile. The smile which made me live. The smile which made me tolerate my pain.